It’s just too much fun…
Hi, My Name is Kelli…
January 4, 2011 by
And I’m addicted to skin care products.
Hmmm…addicted makes it sound serious. Perhaps I should just say I’m in love with skin care products. But that makes my relationship with all things skin related sounds healthy. You know what? Let’s just not qualify it.
Hi, my name is Kelli and I have a lot of skin care products. So much so that my husband recently commented how ten years ago when we got married, had he known how much “stuff” girls put on their face, he would have required me to open and stock a seperate bank account just for all my “stuff.”
And incidentally, can we not call it “stuff?” It’s heaven’s nectar. It’s youth in a jar. It’s what’s making sure that when I’m 50, I’m still going to look 30, baby!
To which Lee would reply, “Well that’s gonna stink for you because when I’m 50 I’m gonna look 50 so you’re gonna be stuck with an older man.”
Hmph. I’m holding out hope for Zac Efron. Or Ryan Reynolds…
I’m kidding!
*a little*
So. What was I talking about? Facial products! I love them. I would wash my face five times a day and put on a different moisturizer if I knew it was good for me. But it’s not, so I settle for the more common twice a day washing. Then I pull out my awaiting stash and breath in its lovely scent. I have morning mositurizers with antioxidants. I have a nighttime moisturizer with some kind of ingredient that’s supposed to keep me looking young. Plus, I think it wards off vampires.
I have masks, my newest being a Vitamin C peel and it’s A-to the-MAZING. It might be my new favorite. I love how my skin feels when it’s been scrubbed and slathered. I feel refreshed and awake and ready to conquer the day.
Okay, I think it’s safe to say I’m an addict.
Here are a few of my favorite products. You know, just for fun…
Arbonne NutrimenC – I order a full set almost once a year (at a discounted price) and it usually lasts me a whole year, which is why I feel no guilt. NONE. Why would one feel guilty about wonderful, glorious face products?
Neutrogena – This lotion smells amazing, has antioxidants in it – which, I don’t really know what that means but it sounds like it’s really good for you – and has spf 15 to keep the sun’s rays at bay, but not out completely because who doesn’t look better with a tan, right?
Philosophy: When Hope is not enough – This is my new vitamin C peel. Actually it’s called a Microdelivery Peel. Doesn’t that just sound amazing?! Seriously, this stuff is spectacular. I love it. Love it, love it, love it. This may be an unhealthy love…
Hugo Naturals – I was recently introduced to this product line for the kids. Particularly Landon who has got some pretty nasty exzema issues. As in the pediatrician told me, “His skin is going to be your job.” Lucky for Landon, I LOVE SKIN. Their products are 100% natural and organic. They’re gentle on his skin and the lotions are amazing. I also got a couple of the sugar scrubs and body butters for me and Sweet mercy! I’ve found a new love. You can find these at Whole Foods and I highly recommend them, especially if you have kiddos with problem skin…Or if you are addicted to skin care products.
Wexler MMPi: I don’t know what is in this stuff but it makes my skin feel as soft as the day I was born. Or as soft as I imagine my skin was the day I was born. It’s a jar full of magic made by fairies at the base of rainbows. Hint: You can get it at Bath and Body Works on special several times/year.
This is not, of course, an extensive list of my facial loves. You don’t even want to get me started on eye cream, or on the When Hope is not Enough oil I got for Christmas that makes me feel like I’ve been swimming with the gods. If I believed in ‘the gods’ of course…
Is there a 12 Step program for this sort of thing?
Never mind. Don’t answer that. I don’t want to give it up…
So with that, I’m going to hop out of bed and scrub my face. The excitement I got from writing that last sentence is almost embarrassing. Except, I LOVE TO WASH MY FACE!
If any of you have skin care tips or products you love, do share. Because clearly I’m a junkie who needs more.
*Incidentally, I was not paid or asked to write about any of these products. I share my skin care secrets out of the goodness of my heart. You are SO welcome.
2010: The Wrap Up
December 31, 2010 by
This year can only be described as blessed. As we move into 2011, I find myself feeling filled with anticipation. What will this year bring for our family? What blessings? What heartaches? What new challenges and opportunities? What joy and laughter? How will the kids grow and develop? How will Lee and I grow and develop?
In looking back on 2010, I have seen some definate areas in my own life that need improvement. I enter 2011 aware of those and prayerfully seeking the strength and discipline to implement the necessary changes. I look forward to a fresh start.
I also look forward to another 12 months of blogging and laughing with you all. Because what fun is life if you can’t laugh…a lot! So in order to look back at the fun this year has brought, I give you the official 2010 wrap up. It’s been a hilarious ride!
January
The Minivan Mom Runs: Remember when I decided to take up running again? And then I quit. But then I decided to take it up again? And then I quit. This fall, I took it up again and I was actually doing quite well. I was actually enjoying it. Then I got pneumonia and the cold that wouldn’t end and haven’t been able to run in a month. Good times…
Battoning Down the Hatches…or something like that: In which, like a modern day Ma Ingalls, I survive being snowed in alone with three kids. This was during our Little House on the Prairie kick.
Feburary
From his perspective aka A really bad idea: Lee decided we needed to change our life insurance policy, which meant a scary nurse lady came to our house and jabbed me with a needle. I was too afraid to consider not having the children watch. Sloan thought I was being put to sleep…
Sometimes sticking to your guns is hard: The one where I had to defend my position on vaccinations in a very uncomfortable manner. Ugh…
March
The Dance of the Little Bee: This post still makes me laugh. This is my reminder that my son, already a Ladie’s Man, is growing up far too fast for my taste.
My Stud Muffin with his Stud Muffie: The video of my hot husband and my youngest child and their mad basketball skillz. That’s right I said skillz!
April
The confidence to walk away: Sloan was bullied and my mother’s heart was broken into tiny pieces, rolled in broken glass, doused in alcohol, then lit on fire. He’s emerged a stronger kid, though, and for that I am beyond proud.
Tia Tales: The Four Year Old Edition: I got my magic camera this month, and thus my pictures got so much better. And Tia? Well, there’s always a story to tell about my crazy middle child.
Girl Meets Boy: I began a series entirely dedicated to the love story I share with my husband of a decade. It was so much fun walking down memory lane with him. You can read the entire story here.
May:
He had to be first: The month we experienced our first broken bone. We just finished paying that sucker off. Good times…
Disturbing: My son’s addiction to coloring on anything but paper freaked me out…a lot. I threw that doll away, incidentally.
June
Just call me MacGyver: In which I got creative with Kotex. Don’t ask. Just read…
Toy Story 3: Better Titled “Let’s Tear Mom’s Heart from Chest and Stomp on it.”: I took the kids to see Toy Story 3. Then I bawled my eyes out. For days.
July
Lemonade for Haiti: Sloan urged us to let him have a lemonade stand for Haiti, so we did. And in the process, my son once again taught me a valuable lesson in giving. Later that summer, he got to hand my uncle the envelope with $120 in it for Haiti relief. He’s quite a kid.
The Photo Session: We spent three weeks in Florida last summer. And I lived to tell the story. I almost didn’t though. Despite it being just a tad too much together time, we had fun. And I managed to get some great pictures of my kids – with a few outtakes.
August
The Wedding: My cousin Whitney got married and Sloan and Tia were her ring bearer and flowergirl. The cuteness was over the top.
Ice Cream Surprise: We surprised our kids with an after bed ice cream treat. It is a great memory and gave us a hilarious video.
This I Pray: I sent my son off to first grade. We had our first experience with a full school day and I grew increasingly aware of the need to bathe him in prayer while he was gone. It was good for me to re-read this post and be reminded of that again.
Phew. August was a fun blogging month. I had a hard time narrowing it down. That was the same month I admitted to not showering on a daily basis, I went to New Orleans to cover the Katrina memorial and I posted more than one random post filled with bizarre little tidbits.
September
This is the month Lee and I took the trip of a lifetime through Switzerland, Austria and Italy. We talk about this trip almost every day – sometimes multiple times a day. It was that amazing.
Hallstatt – A Day in the Life of a Postcard Town: I still can’t believe we made it to Hallstatt. It is truly the most beautiful place I have ever visited and was our favorite part of the trip.
Italy: Austria was by far our favorite country, but Italy wasn’t half bad either. I mean…we weren’t complaining or anything.
A Different Kind of Mountaintop: We came home after ten days ready to be with our kids. Rocking Landon to sleep the night we got home was a different kind of mountaintop experience. Read with Kleenex…
The Day we Spent $127 on Soap: We made a very stupid American mistake in Hallstatt. It’s funny now. A little…
October
He is Dad: The one where I made my dad cry. Then he made me cry back. All mushy, mushy…
The day I questioned everything I know to be true: I cleaned out the back of our minivan. In the process I doubted whether Minivans were actually Hot. My faith has been restored in the hotness of minivans, just as long as I never go back there again!
November
Cry me a Freakin’ River: We took down the crib and in doing so tore a piece of my heart out.
How to go from Reverent to Irreverent without even really trying…: Sloan brings us to church when he prays. Tia brings us back to reality.
December
The Brawl: I think this might be my favorite post of the year.
Celebrating Christmas: We started what I hope will become a great tradition for our family.
So there it is. My 2010 list of favorites. This is not an exhaustive list and these certainly aren’t all my best posts, but they represent my favorite moments of the year. I’ve tried to keep it light and fun, but there have been some heavy moments too. Thanks for sharing them with me.
As I thought about what my favorite photo was of the year, I had a really hard time narrowing it down. I think I got it down to two…okay that’s not true. I have 478 favorite photos from this past year. But I’m just going to share two:
Me, my man and an Austrian mountaintop. Just an awesome moment...
I love those faces. And I love this picture. It captures them perfectly...
Happy New Year to all of you!
Today
December 8, 2010 by
– Opening night for The Christmas Post was last night. It went really, really well. I’m not going to lie – I was a little concerned. As of Saturday we had never made it all the way through the play. There was so much work to be done, so many little details to be fine tuned that it seemed we might never get it all pulled together.
But God is good and we did it and it was a lot of fun! There are still tickets available for the rest of the week – please come if you can! We have spent countless hours over the last few weeks pulling this together and we would love to see a packed house every single night.
– Today, mercifully, we have the day off. And I am thankful. The muscles in the left side of my body have decided to have a party and have all bunched up so that turning from side to side, leaning for forward, picking anything up or moving in general has become a bit of a task. I need a day to unwind, go to bed early and be with my family.
– Speaking of my family, my husband rocks. Seriously. He’s doing this parenting thing alone every night this week. That’s a lot of work. But he’s been great about it and I couldn’t appreciate it more.
– While this musical is great fun, it’s also a sacrifice. I’m sacrificing my own time and, while I’m having fun, I’m also working really hard. My husband is serving me and through his service, I am able to serve others along with all of the other members of the cast. Service is hard – even when it’s fun. It requires that we step outside what’s comfortable and easy and we sacrifice – we sacrifice our time, our resources, our sleep and more.
– I’ll be honest. Service has never been really natural for me. I’m very selfish, especially with my time and my gifts. But I don’t think service is ever easy. It really goes against our human nature. I’m grateful for the chance to serve others this week. It’s hard, but it’s fun and it’s rewarding!
– Switching gears…
– Sometimes this blogging thing stresses me out. Particularly in weeks like this one. I’m wiped, both physically and emotionally. I don’t have a lot to offer my readers. Yet I feel pressure to offer something quippy and funny. I have to remind myself that I don’t have to do this. It’s okay to take some time off. The world as we know it won’t cease to revolve if I don’t write a post or two.
Will it?
– I’ve had this little issue with my shoulder for awhile now. Like eight years. Ever since I coached gymnastics a lifetime ago. All that overhand spotting caused all sorts of craziness to take root. And instead of having it looked at, I ignored it. Until a few weeks ago when I realized I was having a hard time pushing elevator buttons without wincing in pain. I headed in to see a physical therapist and since that time I’ve been wondering what took me so long to do something about my shoulder. I have severe tendonitis, perhaps a bit of bursitis and who knows what else.
At some point I may see an orthopedic to get an MRI, but for now I’m sticking with my PT because he rocks and he’s nice and he has a great southern accent that makes me happy.
– Christmas is coming up in a couple of weeks. I’m not sure if you heard. It falls on the 25th this year. Someone I know is not ready…she hasn’t even finished her shopping. I’ll give you one guess as to who that is…
– Okay, this is the part of the post where I wrap it up.
Let’s all breathe a sigh of relief together.
I’ll be back next week with real content. 🙂
The Brawl
December 1, 2010 by
BASED UPON A TRUE STORY
The Scene
Three kids, all blonde, varying heights, clearly in posession of shared DNA. They are heading downstairs to play a game together with the largest of the three rallying his troops to action.
The Setting
A Basement. Vibrant colors, pathetically filthy, scattered with disregarded toys and costumes.
The Protagonist
The largest of the three blondes. Male. A smattering of freckles and deep blue eyes. Sweet natured but easily frustrated. Possesses a strong desire to be in control and a swift and thorough sense of justice. A natural leader who inspires others to action when he’s not using his leadership for personal gain.
The Antagonist
The middle blonde. Female. Dangerously cute. Freakishly strong. Possesses the rare trait of being able to push others to the very brink of their sanity then backing off as they self destruct. Can widen her eyes abnormally giving her the appearance of a lost puppy and making her nearly irresistible. Cannot say her ‘R,’ ‘TH,’ or ‘L’ sounds. A master of psychological warfare.
The Tagalong
The smallest of the three blondes. Male. Bright blue eyes. A mischevious grin. A natural born sidekick with the ability to alternate partners seamlessly throughout the course of an altercation, sometimes more than once. Has a seemingly unbreakable love for the word “stupid” and the phrase “I hit your butt,” despite repeated admonishments. Also unable to say the letters ‘R,’ ‘TH,’ or ‘L’ as he spends much time listening to, and mimicing, blonde number two. A free spirit, The Tagalong is prone to fits of bouncing and can rarely focus on any one activity for more than 60 seconds at a time.
The Conflict
The Protagonist orders all blondes into the filthy basement for covert operations and a mad game of tag. Naturally, The Protagonist begins laying out rules and restrictions upon the game that directly violate The Antagonist’s awareness of what is fair. In addition, The Antagonist has spent much of the afternoon being nice to The Protagonist and is simply in the mood to ruffle his feathers.
The Tagalong is just glad he was invited.
The Antagonist agrees to play the game as laid out by The Protagonist. She waits until the opportune moment and then, mid-stride, stops, turns and declares, “I don’t wanna pway anymore.” She throws a look at The Tagalong that lets him know he should take her side for a good time. He quickly chimes in, “Yeah, I not pway anymore too.”
They wait. But not long. The Protagonist falls into a fit of frustrated rage. He stomps. He begs. He pleads. “Please play with me, guys.” But they hold their ground. It’s just too much fun to stop. To really set The Protagonist over the edge, The Antagonist throws in, “We don’t wike to pway your games.”
The Protagonist responds, “Fine! Then I don’t like either of you. You’re not my friends!” This is declared at the top of his lungs at a decible that reverberates off every window in the house. The younger two blondes stomp upstairs indignantly.
“He’s mean,” they declare as they move to the couch, The Tagalong’s arms crossed over his chest in a mini protest. Minutes later The Protagonist runs up the stairs.
In two leaps he lands on The Antagonist, digging his nails into her arm. She lets loose a dramatic scream and brings forth a few tears for added effect. Then the smaller, freakishly strong Antagonist flies at the larger blonde, her hand finding contact with his face with a crack. Her finger somehow burys itself in his eye.
The Judge steps in, seperating the two brawlers. The Tagalong looks on with wide eyes as The Protagonist is taken to another room.
“Yeah!” The Tagalong says to The Antagonist. “You dot him, Tia. You beat ‘im up. Ha. Ha.” They give each other five. The Judge’s wife stifles giggles.
The Resolution
The three blondes are sitting at the dinner table. Little has been said about the earlier altercation until The Protagonist pipes up. “Why did you poke my eye?” he asks, pure offense dripping from every word.
“Because you hit me and you was bossing me,” The Antagonist answers.
“Yeah,” The Tagalong interjects.
“Don’t start again, guys,” The Judge says and shoots his dagger eyes in their direction.
“Hey! I have an idea!” The Protagonist says, throwing his hands up in the air.
“What?!” The Tagalong asks, clearly excited.
“Let’s all be best friends.”
“Yeah!” The Antagonist and The Tagalong reply in unison.
“Let’s all say it together,” The Protagonist says, relishing the fact that, once again, he is in full control. “Ready? One, Two Three…”
“WE’RE ALL BEST FRIENDS.”
And they all lived happily ever after.
Or at least for the next few hours…
The End.
Monday in Bullets
November 22, 2010 by
– My children are systematically trying to ensure that I never sleep a full night again. This is the part of the mom blog where I’m supposed to say that it’s Thanksgiving and I’m thankful for the sound of their little feet pitter pattering through the house no matter how early it is…
I’m not gonna say that. I want to sleep. I want to sleep all night long without someone coming into my room for this, that and the other. I’m tired today. And a little crabby.
– In Landon’s defense, he has been dealing with winter illnesses for a couple of weeks now. He’s had a cold, that’s morphed into upper respiratory issues on top of which he’s developed pink eye and has so far this morning puked twice. Good times. In the midst of that, we’ve moved him out of the crib into a big bed allowing him the freedom to traipse into our room at all hours of the night. Because we’re brilliant like that.
– Yesterday we attended our church’s annual Family Christmas Workshop. I love this event. There are almost 100 rooms set up with different homemade crafts for the kids to make. There are Christmas carols and cookies (so many cookies!) and it’s a great way to kick off the holiday season. It also gives us several handmade gifts to give to teachers and grandparents. Score!
– Speaking of our church, we are putting on a Broadway style musical in a couple of weeks and, if I do say so myself, it’s going to be amazing. Wanna come? Purchase tickets here. Most of the front tables have already been sold, but there really isn’t a bad seat in the house. And in addition to a great show, you’ll also get dessert! All for ten dollars. Please come!
– I have a fantastic giveaway up on STL Family Life today. Seriously – you don’t want to miss it. The bracelet I’m giving away is gorgeous. I so wish I could keep it for myself.
– Landon is watching Toy Story 3 Monster’s Inc. right now. I am letting him watch all the TV he wants today. It keeps him still and near the puke bowl in case he needs it. And it keeps me from having to follow him around the house hoping to catch his upchuck because, as we all know, toddlers give no warning before spewing.
– I’m grateful to my husband. He’s been amazing this weekend. He helped me out so much in a variety of different ways and this morning before leaving he told me he knew today was going to be sucky and he was sorry. I so needed to hear that. I didn’t need a pep talk about how I could do this and how I would survive this day and how I just needed to power through. I just needed to hear some acknowledgment that today, indeed, will be a sucky day. What a guy…
– I’m going to sit down and take a nap on the couch fold laundry while Landon watches his movie. Here’s to hoping he doesn’t yak on me while I sleep work.
– Go Monday – FTW!
The Journey
November 15, 2010 by
No, I’m not going to bust out in a radical version of Don’t Stop Believin’. Although if I still had make up on, it wasn’t 11:10 at night and my FlipCam was close by, I might have considered it.
Nope…I’m talking about a different kind of journey. On Friday I shared with you the struggles and insecurities I’m feeling as my career climbs ever so slightly and the inner battles that wage within. I received great, wonderful, supportive comments from many of you. I also received a couple of phone calls and a few emails filled with encouragement.
All of this encouragement began squeezing at my heart, which then overflowed in prayer. How am I to feel about all of this? How do I respond to the obvious passions and desires of my heart when opportunity presents itself? And how do I balance those with the obligations and love I have for my family?
A conversation I had on Sunday solidified in my heart my need for serious reflection on this matter. I found myself encouraging a new friend to pursue her own passions. I heard myself tell her that God doesn’t want us to live in fear. He has given this girl obvious talents and passions and she yearns to pursue them, but there is that nagging little thing called practicality. It is telling her that pursuing her passions, even to the glory of God, means giving up a tiny bit of security and safety. Not that I think I know what’s best for her life, by any means, but I do know that when I see someone who longs and desires to pursue a passion I’m going to do everything in my power to encourage her to do it without shame and or fear.
I need to have a talk with the girl who stares back at me from the mirror…
Practicality is a good thing. Practicality keeps food on the table and money in the bank. Practicality makes sure that should your two year old topple off his stool in the middle of dinner, you can walk into an ER and get his broken arm plastered up without fear of losing your home to medical bills.
Not that we know anything about that, of course…
As we drove home from church Sunday afternoon, I relayed the discussion to Lee and I could almost hear his brain explode inside his skull. Because he’s been telling me this for years.
I am trapped in practicality. But the problem with my practicality is that it isn’t the good kind. It’s not the kind that is really truly doing my family any good. It’s really just my excuse to not try too hard. If I don’t try too hard to succeed, I sure as heck don’t have to worry about failing.
Nice, huh?
Except it’s not.
The thing that baffles me about all this is the fact that I didn’t use to be this way. This fear based practicality was birthed the second I became a mother. Suddenly I found myself afraid to dream anymore for fear I might shove them all toward costly psychiatrist bills when they’re older. Because we all know that it’s always the mom’s fault, right?
Here’s the thing: this is not the place we were designed to live. This is not where I was designed to live. None of us were meant to hide behind practicality – to use it as a shield to hide us from the world. Sometimes practicality is entirely impractical. It’s not always wise to be practical. God didn’t design us to live in fear, insecurity and guilt. He designed us to walk freely, unashamed and with passion. And passion is rarely ever practical. Think of the greatest leaders and innovators in history – very few of them operated in passive practicality. Most of them threw caution to the wind and surrendered to their dreams.
Think of Christopher Columbus. Sailing around the world was not practical, especially when the prevailing thought was that the world was flat. But he tossed practicality over the side of his ship and sailed forth, driven by passion and a good deal of gumption. Or what about a group of five men who, in 1956, risked everything to minister to a group of people known as the Woadani deep in the Amazon only to end up being brutally murdered by the people they so desperately wanted to help? Was it practical to transplant their families to that region? It could even be argued that that was unwise…unless you know the end of the story when Jim Elliot’s son returned and forever altered the future of the people who slayed his father.
Of course, wisdom must play a role. But wisdom and practicality are different aren’t they? Practicality is a dross around the neck of passion. Wisdom is the wings which give passion flight. Wisdom allows us to pursue passions with the knowledge that even if we don’t succeed (as the world sees success), we certainly can’t call ourselves failures. Because how can we fail? Hasn’t the battle already been won on our behalf?
Sometimes, of course, wisdom and practicality must go hand in hand. It would be both unwise and impractical for me to pursue a career as a professional surfer. There are a number of reasons for this, one of the more prevalent ones being I live in Missouri…not a lot of ocean to be found. I also have to be sure that the things I pursue are supported by Lee. It is not wise or practical to chase a dream without my husband’s full support. I will never succeed that way.
If, however, I do have the full support of my husband and I step out in faith, wisely seeking direction along the way, then haven’t I already experienced success, even if I don’t accomplish that which I set out to accomplish? What about the journey I took? What about the things I learned on the path? If the journey leads to deeper faith, new experiences and greater wisdom, then tell me where exactly the failure lies?
The truth that has taken root inside my heart these last few days is so simple, yet also a bit complex: If I am willing to embrace my dreams, without guilt or fear, perhaps that alone is the success I am to find. And what a journey that would be…
Don’t stop. Believin’. Hold on to that feeeeeeelin’.
Huh…look at that – the song fits after all.
Righteous.
The curse of the stay at home, work at home, loves her home mom
November 12, 2010 by
In recent months work has taken off for me quite a bit. I’m at the tail end of editing a third book this year with a fourth lined up to start next week. All four of these books fell in my lap and I have had more fun than I’d like to publicly admit fixing them up. In addition to the books, I’ve started writing for a couple of other websites, am speaking next week at a social media event and am ramping up plans to send STL Family Life to the next level.
So many blessings. I can’t tell you how much it thrills me to have these opportunities, but…
I’ve struggled lately. Am I doing the right thing? Is this what I should be doing? Am I being all that I need to be for my kids, my husband and my community? What if this path is the wrong path? Am I being selfish?
I’ve been wading through some insecurity lately. When I began this blog almost three years ago I had no clue what blogging was all about. I wanted to keep a record of life with three kids amidst the insanity of a new baby. And now, while I still want to keep a record for my kids, I must admit I’m also doing this for me. I’m doing it because I love to create. I love that this blogging/social media business has helped me burst out of my bubble a bit and meet people I never would have met before.
Some of you may have a hard time believeing this, but by nature I’m a bit of an introvert. Meeting new people scares the crap out of me. Meeting people who are successful and funny and accomplished makes me feel like curling up in bed with a copy of Jane Eyre, a bottle of wine and a year’s supply of PEOPLE magazine.
Sad, I know.
But in the last year I’ve found a new sense of confidence bubble beneathe the interior of my insecurity. Part of it stems from my husband who never ceases to make me feel like I can conquer the world…and who tells me I’m hot on a daily basis. Seriously can’t get enough of that…
Some comes from the fact that my family all support my online writing with a great deal of glee. I can always count on my parents to make me feel like I hung the moon.
But a large part of this confidence has come from dear friends and absolute strangers. People here in town who have embraced me and encouraged me, taught me and challenged me. People who are beautiful and successful and…nice. Women who are great moms and great writers. Women who stay at home, women who work at home, women who work outsdie the home, women of all stages of life…Women who tell me it’s okay to pursue my dreams.
So a new confidence is brewing inside. But there is still guilt and insecurity. You see, while I now feel confident in my ability to accomplish my goals and dreams, I question my motivation to do so. I like that I can earn a little income and help support our family to a degree (or at least help take my husband on a rockin’ European vaction, anyway), and I like the creative outlet writing and editing give me which make me a better mom altogether.
But is it right?
I read this post today by Megan at Velveteen Mind and it struck a chord in my soul. My career is filled with lofty ideals and noble goals. My family is my mission. I can fail in my freelance career – I cannot fail as a mother.
The thing that’s most frustrating about my current insecurities is that most of them have no base. I’m not being unwise in my career. I’m not sacrificing my family. I’m not taking on more than I can handle (not now anyway) but I am struggling against this feeling of uncontentment. I’m not content with my career because I want to take it to the next level, but I don’t want to take it to the next level because I fear I’ll sacrifice my family. I’ve had enough work lately that I’ve tossed around the idea of hiring a babysitter for a couple of hours a week so I can get things done. Oh the guilt I’ve felt for even thinking that! Insane amounts…And here’s why – I love what I do! Writing and editing are not work for me. So hiring a sitter once a week so I can hole up in Starbucks and have fun feels like an indulgence. I’m still not sure if I’ll do it or not…
And so I flounder a bit.
I don’t share this to have the problem solved. I think all moms deal with this to a degree. We all have to balance who we are inside the home with who we are outside the home. We all have passions and goals outside of motherhood and yet we all long to do nothing more than be great moms. I share this just to share. To get it out of my head and off my chest. To verbally confess – I’m struggling with life balance. No one in my family is suffering, everyone’s healthy (emotionally that is – Tia has a nasty cold) and we are enjoying one another daily. But I still battle within.
I don’t think I’m alone in this…
Thankful in November
November 10, 2010 by
My sister-in-law (who is all kinds of awesome) is doing a month long series in which she details that which she is thankful for. Imagine that! Giving thanks in the month of Novemeber…who ever heard of such a thing?
I, personally, love the idea of focusing on that for which I am thankful. It’s so easy to get bogged down in the negative, in the business and craziness and OMGI’MNOTGONNASURVIVETHIS moments of life that sometimes I have to stop myself and remember the happy.
In general I’m not much of an Eyeore type person. I’m thankful for that because with some of the heartaches that I have faced in the past, it would be very easy to be an Eyeore. But then again, it’s that way for all of us, isn’t it? We’ve all faced pain, heartache, trial, hurt. We all have the choice to dwell in the pain, live in the past and simmer in the hurt.
Or…
We can move on, step forward and let the past fade in the distance. For some, that’s easy to do. For others, it’s much harder due to deeper wounds, harsher trials or simply because they are hardwired from conception to stew, analyze and think.
So today I’m focusing on the thankful. I have been so bogged down lately that I really haven’t had time to stop and think and…thank.
Outside of the obvious (my husband and kids…what kind of wife and mom would I be if I didn’t mention them, right?) I’m thankful for where we are in our lives right now. We’ve walked a bit of a tightrope in the last few months and it had every potential end in a stomach dropping plunge. But, instead, the tightrope has slwoly widened and we are once again feeling a bit more secure. Not comfortable, of course, as we are ever on our guard, but we have definately seen blessing in the last month.
I’m thankful for that.
I’m thankful for the memories I made travelling Europe with my husband where he snapped the above picture on our last day in Italy as I lounged in a park in Bellagio. I was looking at the mountains across Lake Como and marvelling at God’s majesty, totally in awe of creation. I’m thankful for that day, for that moment and for the many pictures that are seared into my brain from across the seas.
I’m thankful for the career I’m slowly but surely beginning to develop in writing, editing and social media. I wasn’t looking for this and it kind of fell in my lap and I just have to say – I’m having the time of my life. I’m still navigating the waters of what is feasible for me to pursue and what needs to be sacrificed as I also tend to my young brood. But I’m thankful for opportunity, whatever it might be, that comes my way and I’m totally enjoying the ride.
I’m thankful for Nutella. It’s just so very, very good. On everything. Including pizza crust, on which we slathered an entire can a couple of weeks ago and presented it to the kids as dinner. Which leads me to the next thing:
I’m thankful that I can still please my kids with a Boboli Pizza crust and a can of Nutella. I’m thankful that my seven year old still thinks it’s cool when I accompany him on field trips. I’m thankful that my four year old still wants to hold my hand and sit in my lap. I’m thankful that my two year old tells me I’m beautiful almost every day and then squints his eyes in a mischevious grin because he knows it melts my heart.
I’m thankful for my soft bed and thick pillows even though I don’t get to enjoy those as much as I would like to.
I’m thankful.
I’m also now craving Nutella.
I’m thankful that Target is only a couple of minutes away and they faithfully stock Nutella on their shelves.
What are you thankful for?
Cry me a freakin’ river
November 7, 2010 by
I’ve told you before…I’m a cryer. Crier? Yes…I think it’s crier.
I cry a lot.
I cry easily, I cry loudly, I cry ugly. And if I try not to cry, I eventually burst like a dam spilling my ugly all over whoever is closest to me. Sometimes I laugh to cover the cry, which tends to make the cry louder and even more embarrassing. I blubbered throughout my entire wedding ceremony.
I don’t know why! Weddings are happy right?
I’m off topic. I’m reeling myself back in. I said all of the above to lead into the fact that I cried this weekend. I cried a lot, I cried hard and I cried ugly. This is the part where you all need to feel sorry for Lee, the unintended target of all my crazy.
It started Thursday afternoon when Lee came home from work to find me wrapped in two blankets in front of the fire place trying to thaw out after a frigid morning at Purina Farms on Sloan’s field trip. The conversation went something like this:
Lee: “So what’s the plan Saturday?”
Me: “Mom and Dad are keeping the kids overnight Friday night and are bringing them back Saturday around 3:00.”
Lee: “Well, I forgot to tell you, but the elders are supposed to do XXXXXXXXXXXXXX on Saturday morning and we’d really like our wives to come along.”
Me: “No! I can’t. That’s my one day off.”
And then…the dam broke. It was a face in hands, over the top, Sweet Mother of all that’s Holy cry from the gut. And here is why:
Every single second of my life right now is scheduled. From the moment my feet hit the ground to the second my head hits the pillow I have things that need to be done and places I need to be. Every single evening of the week is occupied and by Thursday afternoon I had been burning the candle at both ends for so long that I was dangerously close to burn out.
And I snapped.
Poor, sweet Lee. He didn’t even see it coming. Again my fault. I haven’t been communicating because I didn’t want to complain since I’m the one that committed to all of these responsibilities and I hadn’t really communicated to him how desperately I needed a day to myself. But being the Wonder Man that he is…and given that I freaked him out a bit with my impressive meltdown, he immediately told me not to worry about it, he’d go without me and youjuststayhomeandgetalittlerest.
Amen.
So I did and it was bliss. I edited 30 pages of the book I’m working on, did six loads of laundry, got my house relatively cleaned up and never once changed out of my pajamas. I didn’t wipe anyone’s behind or take out a single sippy cup. By the time they all came home I was completely rejuvenated.
Until…
We decided to take down the crib this weekend and put Landon in a big bed. Good grief, just writing that sentence brought tears to my eyes. I took the mattress out of the crib while Lee went to search for a tool box and I just looked down into it and literally seven and a half years of baby floated through my head.
I remembered myself a brand new mom holding Sloan on the floor next to the crib because we had just moved in and I had no place else to sit. I remembered walking in and seeing Sloan coo at his mobile hanging above the crib. I remembered walking in to find a fat, happy little boy staring at me for two years until he was replaced in the crib by a tiny, precious surprise of a baby girl.
I remembered buying new, girly bedding and excitedly putting it in the crib despite the fact that I had purchased “gender neutral” bedding the first time around. I remembered staring at that sweet baby in pink for hours, her tiny little backside up in the air as she slept. I remembered the sound of her climbing out of the crib before she was even two…
I remembered placing Landon in the crib and looking down at him, wondering if he really would be the last to sleep in it. I remembered the long nights as I rocked with him in the chair next to the crib. I remembered the dread I felt as I thought of disassembling the crib.
Then Lee came back in the room and sat down on the floor. He stopped for a minute and looked around. “This is sad,” he said.
Cue breaking dam.
I tried to laugh it off like, Hahaha- isn’t it so silly to cry over this? But I couldn’t laugh and I turned away so he wouldn’t see my ugly cry face and I sobbed those deep, soul wrenching sobs. Kind of like I’m doing right now.
Then Lee got all choked up, which made me cry more…and made me feel better. I wasn’t crazy to cry. It is sad. It was time to do this, for sure. But it was also sad. That season of life went by so quickly and I’m not ready for it to be over. Of course, it might not be. There is always the possibility that we’ll have to pull the crib back out at some point…but for right now, that’s not the case. For right now, that crib is lying in the basement, a reminder that life is flying by in solitary blinks.
Cry with me, won’t you? It feels good. And it hurts.
After a few moments of sobby sobs, I reigned myself in and handed Lee the screwdriver he needed. Of course, my tears quickly turned to laughter…or at least mild chuckles…when we realized we weren’t at all prepared with a big bed to move Landon into. We have to round up box springs, which we hadn’t even thought about when we decided to make this move.
Oh and, incidentally, who in their right mind decides to move a child out of his crib the night of daylight savings? I think we were so focused on ripping the bandaid off that we didn’t think clearly and logically through what we were doing. So for now, the boy sleeps on a mattress on the floor, which suits him just fine.
And me? I have a feeling there will be a few more tears shed over this little milestone. Ugly gopher tears. Lee – prepare yourself.
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