Minivans Are Hot | Kids do the darndest things

My laziness knows no bounds

December 20, 2011 By Kelli 11 Comments

It was a beautiful December day here in the Sunshine State. Days like today are why people spend their winters in Florida. We spent much of the day soaking in the warm rays of the sun, while also being delighted with a cool breeze.

For those of you who live somewhere cold, please don’t hate me.

The view from my perch.

Around 1:00, the natives grew restless. I didn’t feel right letting them watch a movie on a day like today, and in return they didn’t feel right about letting me sit poolside and read.

Savages.

So after an hour of hearing about the injustice of such imposed boredom and the true cruelty of expecting them to entertain themselves I packed up the antsy brood and off we went to the park where I planned to continue my lounging while they ran off pent up energy.

Upon arriving at the park, I rejoiced to find a long swinging bench mercifully vacant and I settled in for a bit of relaxation only to discover that the smallest of the children had different plans in mind.

“Hey Mom, wanna play house wif us?” Landon asked. I looked over at Tia who widened her eyes pleadingly, which is a completely unfair tactic. Puppy dog eyes are cruel and unusual.

“What do I have to do to play house?” I asked wearily.

“How about you be the Mom and we’ll be the kids,” Tia answered.

Um…

“Okay,” I said. “Kids, go play and let Mommy rest for a bit!”

“No, Mom! That’s not how you play!” Foot stomp.

Seriously?! Puppy dog eyes and a foot stomp? She’s good, ladies and gentlemen.

“But I’m the Mom so I can tell you what to do, right?”

“No, Mom. You have to get up and come over here and drive us to school. Then you have to take us to the store and then you have to take us to Chuck E Cheese. That’s how you play!”

Funny. I always assumed that playing pretend actually took us out of real life.

“Okay,” I said. “But this swinging bench is my car so hop in.” And away we drove. I dropped them off at school, then picked them up, then we headed to the store.

“C’Mon, let’s go shop.”

“Uumm…” I stalled. “Let’s pretend I broke my leg and I have to ride in one of the motorized carts at the store. This bench will be my cart.”

“Aw, yeah!” they yelled and away we went. Notice that so far, I haven’t had to move from my bench.

Finally the “errands” were done and we arrived home. ”Alright, you guys go play now,” I said waving them on, stepping out of my role as pretend Mom and into my role as real Mom. It’s all very confusing, I know…

“No, Mom! Now you need to make dinner!”

*sigh*

“Tell you what,” I reasoned. “How about you be the Mom now and I will be the long lost Aunt who came for a visit, okay?”

“Alright! What’s your name?”

“Uh…Toto? Oh and hey – let’s pretend that I came from far, far away and I’m super tired so I have to lay down and sleep. How does that sound?”

“Hey, yeah!” they cried. “And this bench can be your bed and we will rock you while you sleep!”

Deal!

So I laid down, closed my eyes and they rocked me back and forth, back and forth until I literally began dozing off.

“Mom. Hey Mom!” They shook me and I squinted up into their displeased eyes.

“This game is boring,” Tia said with a frown. “We don’t want to play anymore.”

“Yeah,” echoed Landon. “It’s bowing.”

“Can we go play on the playground?” Tia asked.

I looked at them for a silent moment then let out a small sigh. “Well, alright. If you really want to go play, I guess I don’t mind.” And off they ran, forgetting all about needing my entertainment. I laid back down then, my swing moving slowly back and forth in the afternoon breeze. Alone.

Seriously. I should get some kind of award for that…

Filed Under: Florida, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Motherhood, Tia Tagged With: Entertaining kids, I think I need more sleep, Motherhood

Dreams of revenge are just as sweet

December 19, 2011 By Kelli 14 Comments

Alternately titled: Payback is a Beast

Imagine this scene: You’re lying on a cloud buried beneathe warm, fluffy blankets made of the finest wool. The dark air around you is cool as the nighttime air slow begins to burn off. The sun hasn’t graced the sky with her rays just yet and you relish that dreamy moment between sleep and consciousness. It is peaceful. It is comfortable. It is blissful.

Now imagine that a spindly, gangly child jumps on the cloud with you. He burrows beneathe your blankets, bursting through your warm cocoon with his icy feet and shivering body. He tucks his toes underneath your legs causing you to yelp in surprise and yanking you, rather rudely, out of dreamland in one fell swoop.

Then he turns on the lamp and your eyes, still not fully prepared for wakefulness and accustomed only to the serenity of the dark, go blind. The light pierces through the room with such forcefulness that you wonder if perhaps you will ever be able to see again.

After this he turns to you with his eight year old morning breath and begins talking. Not whispering, mind you, but full out gabbing as if he’s in Grand Central Station during rush hour. Your senses are overwhelmed what with the light and the noise and the icy feet underneath.

Imagine he pulls out a photo album that he wants to look at with you and he wants to discuss every photo from seven years ago down to the very detail.

“I was cute wasn’t I?”

“Oh look how small I was!”

“What were we doing here?”

“How much did you love me then?”

And you want to engage, you really do. But you’re blind…and deaf…and paralyzed.

“Mom, open your eyes and look at this one! Wasn’t that fun? Tell me about it?”

You hear him but you don’t compute. Partly because you’re wondering how on Earth it happened that minutes ago you were sleeping on a cloud and now you’re being attacked before the sun is even lighting the sky an early morning grey. Plus, you’re too busy thinking about other things.

You’re dreaming about the coming day when he’s a teenager and rising before the crack of dawn is no longer exciting. He will long to spend a few extra hours in bed, wrapped in his own cocoon of warmth and then?

Then it’s going to be your turn.

*insert manaical laugh here*

You think of that moment when you can flip on his light and start chattering incessantly about how much you miss him being little and what a sweet baby he was and look at these old pictures, honey!

Maybe you’ll want to stick your icy feet under his covers and watch him gasp and try and get away. Although he’ll probably be bigger than you so that may not be wise, but you could at least yank off the covers and flip on the lamp sitting beside his bed causing light to pierce his eyeballs like hot daggars. You know…just for kicks.

This is all hypothetical, of course.

Or maybe it’s not.

Truthfully, as you envision this blessed payback you know that in reality you will likely never have the opportunity, or the guts, to be so cruel to your child. As the fog of sleep slowly lifts, you change your tactic and instead of dreaming of the day when you can exact sweet revenge, you instead begin praying with an urgency that you haven’t felt or experienced in a long, long time.

Lord, give this boy a child just like him some day.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go have another cup of coffee. After all, I was up before the sun this morning…

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids do the darndest things, Motherhood, Sloan Tagged With: Early Risers, Kids do the darndest things, Mama is exhausted, Motherhood and sleep

A slow death by numbers

December 13, 2011 By Kelli 17 Comments

Eight grade Pre-Algebra was not kind to me. In fact I remember roughly three things from that class:

1.) You can never have too much blue eye shadow as was evidenced by Pam Whats-her-Face who sat across from me.

2.) Kissing boys was apparently an amazing experience that I needed to start trying out.

3.) Somehow, some way the alphabet was supposed to be divided, subracted, added and compressed, which would then magically turn the letters into numbers and if organized just so could ultimately bring about World Peace.

I did not receive a passing grade in Pre-Algebra, but I did get a rather unfortunate sex education from Pam Whats-her-Face. So I had that going for me.

Listen, I’ve seen the statistics about how girls tend to do poorly in Math and Science simply because they’re female and are expected to be bad with numbers. I want you to know that that is not what happened to me. I just suck at Math. Plain and simple and heartbreakingly true. I still don’t understand algebraic equations. I have long since forgotten how to do long division and most days I cannot do basic addition without using my fingers.

Feel sorry for me.

I can, however, sit and daydream for hours and I’m not too shabby at finding shapes in the clouds.

So it was with no small amount of fear and trepidation that I embarked upon the business of homeschooling my children because I knew that in so doing I would, indeed, need to conquer the evil numbers. I mean, granted Sloan is only in second grade and Tia is in Kindergarten so really, how hard could it be?

Turns out it can be flat out torterous, folks. It’s Chinese water torture by SUBTRACTION!

Lawdy.

We started the year out fine. Basic addition facts were covered. Ordinal numbers, Odds and Evens, Counting by 5′s, 10′s and so on…Cake, ladies and gentleman. I began to see addition facts in the clouds.

Somewhere around our fifth week in, however, things took a turn for the worse. Just for Sloan. Tia has taken off in Math. In fact, I’m pretty sure we’re going to be buzzing into a first grade Math book before year end because she not only enjoys Math, but she asks to do several lessons at a time.

So TAKE THAT statistics! My daughter rocks the numbers. BOOM! In yo face!

Ahem…

Early last month, I decided to take a different approach to the cruelty of Math. Instead of tackling it every day, I declared Tuesday and Thursday to be Math days and every other day would remain number free. I figured this to be a happy compromise and a fair way to hopefully give Math more of an appeal.

It took us two hours to finish one short lesson today.

*hangs head*

So here’s how this Math thing goes down. ( I don’t know why I’m capitilizing Math. I think it’s because I’m scared of it and maybe if I show a little respect, the numbers won’t infiltrate my brain, thus turning me into some kind of mad woman who lives alone with a hundred and fifty cats and wanders around mumbling equations nonsensically.) I say, “It’s Tuesday guys. Math day! Yay!”

Tia: “Can I do three lessons today? Please?”

Sloan: ”What?! No, it can’t be Tuesday. It’s only Monday! I know it. I’m only doing half of a lesson today. And no adding. Or subtracting.” This is usually said after he’s collapsed his head dramatically into his arms.

Landon: “Wait, what?! We have to do school AGAIN today?!” School is a surprise every day.

I understand my son’s anguish, I really do. I lived his anguish every day until I finally managed to choose a major with the least amount of Math required (English Professional Writing, baby! Boom! Pick out shapes in the clouds all day if you want. It makes for more creative writing…)

But alas, I must pretend to be horrified at his disdain for numbers and tell him what fun it is to know and learn Math. “Math is lots of fun!” I exclaim as I open up the dreaded book.

Did you hear that? Math makes me lie to my children. Eeeeeeeevvvviiiiiiilllllllll.

And we then spend the next two hours trying to simply tackle one short lesson. And here’s the kicker – he’s actually really good at the Math. As in, when he switches off the tyrant in his brain raging against the injustice of learning, he generally whizzes through the equations and he doesn’t even need to use his fingers!

Clearly he possesses a bit of his father’s genes.

And thus the story goes. I pull out the Math books. He thinks he’s going to die. I think that trying to teach him the basics is going to kill me. And around and around we go.

However…

Ask the kid to write you a poem. I dare you. Because he will sit for as long as it takes to craft the perfect poem with nary a complaint.

And today I caught him staring at the clouds. “That one is shaped like a blue whale,” he said, pointing.

I am so proud…

Fear not, good people. We are surviving the Maths and I do think he is learning a bit. There’s a good chance, though, that should we continue down this homeschooling path, I will be hiring a Math tutor to manage the crazy.

The End.

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Homeschool, Kids, Kids do the darndest things Tagged With: Homeschool, mama's going crazy, Math, Teaching Math

Just Call Me Grandma

December 4, 2011 By Kelli 11 Comments

“You are definately having trouble converging,” he said pulling the spidery metal contraption off my face. “And you’re a bit nearsighted.”

And I was all, “Um…excuse me, what?”

SIT DOWN!

Try taking three kids to the optometrist and NOT sounding like you have Tourette’s. Try it. I dare you.

*sigh*

I’ve gotten ahead of myself. Let me back up a bit.

For the past couple of years I have had difficulty focusing when I read. My eyes feel tired and the words on the page actually seem to move around. The last two months have been terrible, though, and I finally decided that I should, perhaps, go see someone about the swimming words. Because either I was going crazy and words really were moving around, or something wasn’t quite right with my eyes.

I also made an appointment for Tia to have her eyes checked. Two birds – one stone. The problem is I had to bring along the other two birds and they weren’t happy about it. At all. Vocally unhappy.

*eye roll*

So we piled into the opteometrist’s office and Tia hopped up in the chair and began her exam. The first time she had her eyes tested, she didn’t know most of her alphabet so I was never really sure if her eyes were tested properly. Turns out, they were. Her eyesight hasn’t improved. But her command of the English Alphabet is masterful.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

So is Landon’s, by the way. Because every time the doctor flashed a letter up on the wall he would blurt it out, much to the doc’s consternation. Finally, Tia finished and it was my turn in the hot seat. At this point, the boys were reaching the melting point. I hissed a couple of warnings, then settled into the chair as the doctor lowered his space-age contraption. Looking through the doo-dad’s on my face I saw not only the letters flashing on the wall, but also my children throwing down a serious wrestling match on the office floor. It was all kiddie WWF and I was mortified.

“I can see you,” I said and the three froze, their eyes locked on the goggles nestled over my eyes. “Sit. Down. Puh-lease,” I said through clenched teeth and the doctor chuckled in my ear.

“So when was your last eye exam?” he asked.

“Uh…gosh, I don’t know. I guess maybe in high school?”

High school was a long time ago.

So after he ran his little tests and gave me the skinny on my not so stellar eye sight, he dilated my eyes and I headed out to the waiting area with my kids still wrestling on the floor behind me. Then things got a little dicey. The doctor assured me that the dilation would not affect my ability to drive, but within minutes I couldn’t see a blasted thing. Nothing but a blur.

I called my husband, explained to him my dilemma and asked if he was nearby. His reponse?

Laughter.

“You need glasses?!” he howled. “That means you’re getting old.”

And I had no come back because dang it he seemed to be right. Some people are born with poor eyesight. It’s genetic and there’s nothing they can do about it. And that’s okay. But some people, like myself, are naturally gifted with good eyesight. I’ve always been 20/20. So the fact that my eyes are no longer able to focus the way they once could is merely evidence of the fact that I’m not as young as I once was.

I’m not a spring chicken anymore, people. I need glasses to read. Reading glasses!

He prescribed bifocals, for the love of Pete!

He also gave me a second prescription specifically for when I’m working at the computer. He suggested I start with that one and if I felt like I needed something stronger he could fill the bifocal prescription at a later date.

My grandparents wore bifocals…on little chains around their necks.

Bifocals!

It was a little traumatizing, my friends. I have to be honest. My eyes are failing me. But upon thinking it over the last couple of days, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t really blame my age. Nah. It’s not that I’m getting old at all!

It’s the kids! I blame them.

Three pregnancies and my feet didn’t grow at all. They’re the same size they’ve been since junior high when I galumped around like Marmaduke for two years before my body caught up to my feet. But, clearly, my eyes were terribly affected by pregnancy hormones. They have been irreversibly damaged!

I have pregnancy eyes.

And I’m sticking to that story. Don’t try to tell me that’s not the case. I’m not old. I’m a MOM.

I went back to the doctor’s office the next day to pick out my glasses. I couldn’t get them the day of the appointment due to the dilation and the fact that I couldn’t see anything at all. I didn’t want to end up paying an arm and a leg only to find out later I had blindly picked out a pair of glasses with a tiny picture of Justin Bieber on the middle of the frame.

We were at the office inside ~~the Holy Land~~ Target, thankfully, so the kids and I walked around until my eyes cleared enough for me to feel confident driving home.

And you better believe I picked out the coolest looking pair of glasses I could find. Think sexy secretary. Because I’m not old, dangit. I’m not. I’m just…uh…

*sigh*

Whatever. Just call me Grandma from now on, m’kay?

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Kids do the darndest things, Life, Motherhood, Random Tagged With: Age, Eyesight, glasses, Mama's getting old

Hey Mom

November 21, 2011 By Kelli 12 Comments

The boy who doesn’t need sleep pulled a fast one on me the other night. What with his fuzzy head and killer smile, it’s really not that difficult for him to have me at his beck and call, but Saturday night was no less than a supreme use of his killer cuteness.

Supreme.

After keeping him up way too late the night before when we went out to dinner with friends (Friends! We have friends!), Saturday found him in desperate need of a nap almost from the moment he woke up that morning. It is his nature to fight sleep until the very last moment and fight the nap he did.

But finally, he gave up the fight and fell deep into slumber. So deep, in fact, that I could not rouse him to save my life. I picked him up. I shook him. I gave him a cup of juice, which he drank in his sleep. I sat him on the couch and he promptly fell asleep sitting up. He fought waking as much as he did sleeping, which means by the time I finally got him to move around he had had far too long of a nap.

Which led to bedtime disaster.

For over an hour he was up and down and I, who had not been so lucky to get a nap, was at the end of my rope. Using my sternest and firmest mom-voice, I let him know in no uncertain terms that should he set one more toe out of his bed he would suffer the wrath of Zombie Mommy.

He blinked twice, totally not buying my empty and, let’s face it, lame threat.

Thirty minutes later I was piled up in bed with my iPad, gloating in my victory over his near-four-year-old crazy. Lee was out for the night and I finally had a bit of peace and quiet. Until…

I saw his tiny little eyes peek around the corner. I ignored him, hopeful that maybe he would remember my threat (and yes, I actually told him that if he got out of bed I was going to turn into Zombie Mommy…oh yes I did) and abort his current mission to drive me insane. I kept my eyes on my glowing smart board until I heard a soft rustle. I looked down to see him on his stomach on the floor. He was in nothing but a t-shirt and his Buzz Lightyear Underoos and his tiny little spaceman backside stuck up in the air as he army crawled slowly across the floor.

This was better entertainment than the iPad so I continued to watch as he was completely oblivious to my stares. He crawled past the foot of the bed, his raspy breath a complete giveaway of his whereabouts. I heard him crawl to the opposite side of the bed and then it got quiet.

And I waited.

A minute later, I saw his Calvin hair slowly raise up, followed by his white eyebrows and then his saucer blue eyes. He met my stare, his gaze equal parts delicious and mischevious.

“Hey Mom,” he said, his voice all sugary. Then his face broke into a naughty little grin.

And me? Well, I completely lost it and started laughing uncontrollably. He joined in and together we cackled, me at him and him at me. Then he crawled up into bed, snuggled close and fell fast asleep.

As a recap – he disobeyed, I gave empty threats, he disobeyed again, I laughed and he ultimately got what he wanted.

That, folks, is how you get this parenting thing done. If you’re looking for any parenting advice, feel free to ask. Clearly I’ve got this mothering business down…

Filed Under: Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Motherhood Tagged With: Kids do the darndest things, Motherhood, parenting

Tales from the Homefront

October 25, 2011 By Kelli 7 Comments

“Mom! Hey, MOM! Lookatthislookatthislookatthis! It’s Ra, the Egyptian Sun god!”

Thus yelled my eight year old across the aisle of Homegoods, as he stood face to face with a life size statue of Ra. It was in the clearance aisle.

Odd. I would think a creepy looking faux Ra would be a hot ticket item...

The gentleman sitting in the arm chair nearest Sloan looked up in surprise. He then looked at me quizzically as I cleared my throat.

“We’ve been studying Egypt,” I said with a smile.

pause

“Why?” he asked.

“We were reading about Moses bringing the Israelites out of Egypt,” Sloan said. “Have you heard that story? Where Moses turned the water to blood and sent tons of frogs and parted the Red Sea and Pharoah and his people sank to the bottom.”

The man looked at Sloan with amusement, then back at me.

“We homeschool,” I said. It’s my only defense. Why else would we be in Homegoods at 1:00 on a Monday afternoon?

“I see,” was his reply, then he leaned back into his chair, presumably to nap since his wife was nowhere to be found. I grabbed Tia’s hand and motioned Sloan to follow us. As we walked away, Tia glanced back at the statue over her shoulder.

“Why would anyone want to worship that little statue?” she asked. “It’s just made of wood. Wood can’t help you like the one twue God.”

And as we walked away, I heard the man let out a hearty laugh.

Homeschooling is an adventure unlike any I’ve ever taken. I’ve got a video to share with you all at some point. I wanted to today, but my computer ate half of it and I don’t have it in me to start over now.

This past week was rough. It was crawl into bed and lay staring comatose at the ceiling rough. A myriad of issues led me to a bit of a low point where smiling felt like a chore and everyday tasks seemed monumental.

Make the bed? Impossible.

Clean the dishes? Painful.

Sweep the floor? Everest.

It was like a marathon just getting through the basic tasks of each day. And I just felt sad. Even a night away generously donated by my husband couldn’t pull me out of my funk and I couldn’t figure it out.

As Lee and I talked, my eyes welling up with tears, I told him how I just feel frustrated. There’s so much to do. So many plates to keep spinning. And I am overwhelmed and feeling very…alone.

It felt good to cry. Yesterday I woke up feeling a little more refreshed and ready to tackle the day with a specific prayer on my heart – Lord, let me see You today.

About half way through my day, I received an email from a company confirming my participation in an event in St. Louis. This company has agreed to not only fly me up to St. Louis, but also the kids. A much needed chance to get away, take a break and be refreshed.

I saw.

Last night I attended a meeting at a local church for homeschooling moms and it did more than give me a couple of new ideas for making our school more fun – it refreshed my heart. I met people my age, in my same boat who get it.

I saw.

The woman sharing was a veteran homeschooling mom with her oldest preparing to graduate high school. “It goes so fast,” she said. “You blink and they’re teenagers and it’s gone.”

I’ve heard this a thousand times, but I needed it again last night. I really needed it.

“Soon the house will be empty,” she continued. “It will be quiet and in order and clean…but I’d rather have the noise.”

I saw.

These were seemingly little things, but they brought a fountain of relief and rest to my soul.

Right now, as I type this, the house is refreshingly quiet. Blissfully so. But I know the noise is coming and I want to greet it with a fresh perspective. It’s hectic and chaotic and my house isn’t decorated how I want it, or painted the right colors, or even organized functionally.

But it’s full. And that’s a good thing. Plus I get the added perk of driving that smokin’ hot minivan for a long time to come, right? Huh? Huh?

I’m going to choose joy this week, because tomorrow they’ll all be one day older. Time isn’t going to slow down so I’m just going to hang on and enjoy the ride that is this current season of my life.

Now, where to put my statue of Ra…

Filed Under: faith, Family, Homeschool, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Life, Motherhood Tagged With: Homeschool, Kids, Life, Motherhood

Takin’ Care of Business

October 20, 2011 By Kelli 22 Comments

This post comes to you with a sheepish, yet polite, request for help. I hate talkin’ shop, but wanted to just toss a few little things out there. Don’t worry, though. This post won’t be all dry. I’ve got a gem of a story to tell you at the end.

It’s my dangling carrot.

So here’s the deal, friends. I stink at self-promotion. It makes me wildly uncomfortable. As I told someone recently, it makes me feel a bit like the girl standing on top of a table in a crowded room and screaming LOOK AT ME!! And I’ve never been much of a table top kind of girl.

Ahem.

But, my goal in the next few months is to beef up the readership and participation on my blog. And to do that, I need your help. If you read something on here that you like, would you mind forwarding it on? You can hit the little Facebook button at the bottom of the page, or if you’re the Tweetin’ kind, you can give a little Tweet.

You know…if you want.

Also, well I don’t talk about it much and, to be quite honest, I don’t utilize it much, but I DO have a Minivans Are Hot Facebook page that you can like by clicking riiiiiiight…here. You don’t have to drive a minivan to like the Facebook page, but I will warn you that should you choose to follow the blog AND the Facebook page, you will likely start to feel the pull of the minivan.

Because minivans are bringing sexy back.

Huh?

Whatever.

If you do read something you like and have a second or two to respond, well, I’ll confess – I’m a bit of a comment whore. I promise I will respond to you…or you can respond to one another. I like community so let’s build a community of minivan lovin’ (or hatin’ – you know who you are) women…and men, too. I know you guys are reading.

Finally in the manner of business, I would like to ask if there’s anything you guys would like me to specifically write about. Is there are particular topic you like better? Is there something you’d like me to avoid discussing (the frequency of my childrens bowel movements? DONE! – Look how accommodating I am)?

Seriously – let me know.

Now, on to that carrot:

The Scene:

A beautiful, sunny Florida afternoon. The kids are playing outside while I enjoy a few quiet moments alone to do whatever I want – which means I’m cleaning the kitchen…again. The windows are open and a beautiful, cool fall breeze is drifting in. Nothing can break the perfection of this moment. Nothing, that is, until I hear a scream that rattles the glass throughout the house.

The back door flings open aaaaaaaaand CUE DIALOGUE!

“Mooooooooommmmm!!!” Tia shrieks, running into the house all sweaty and red-faced. Sloan comes running after her with a tormentuous (this is my blog – if I say that’s a word…it’s a word) grin on his face.

“What in the world?” I say as she throws her arms around my waist and cries. “What’s going on?”

“Sloan stole my gun!” She cried. Sloan throws his hands up in mock innocence. “What’d I do?” he yells.

“What gun, Tia?” I ask, detaching her from my leg.

“My pwetend gun! I was fightin’ the bad guys with it and Sloan took it and now the bad guys are gonna kill me!”

Pause.

Uuuuummm.

“Tia, if it’s a pretend gun, can’t you just get another one?” I try my best to say this without rolling my eyes.

“Nope, she can’t,” Sloan says with a smirk. “Because I destroyed all the guns in the imaginary gun shop.”

“Yeah!” Tia cries again. “And he ate the pie I made for Justin Bieber who was gonna come over for dinner at my pwetend house! I don’t LIKE Sloan.” She stomps her foot and runs to her room, slamming her door.

“Whatever!” Sloan yells in return, huffing to his room.

Landon walks in at this moment and strolls past me with string and a crowbar tucked under his arms.

And this folks is why I am slowly but surely losing. my. mind.

The End.

Filed Under: Blogging, Family, Florida, funny stuff that happens, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Minivans, Motherhood, shameless self-promotion, Sloan, Tia Tagged With: Blogging, Building Community, mama's going crazy, Minivans Are Hot, Self Promotion

Big Foot, Roman Soldiers and the Voices in my Head

September 27, 2011 By Kelli 8 Comments

It is quiet and I am alone. Three children sleep in their beds, the first time all three have slept in their beds since we moved in.

A new house is scary. There are sounds to fear. And other things…

“Mom, I can’t sleep,” he said, coming out for the four-frillionth time. “I’m too scared!”

“What are you scared of?” I ask…also for the four-frillionth time.

“I was just starting to close my eyes and I imagined I was a Roman soldier being killed…”

That is scary.

After assuring him that he would, indeed, not die the violent death of a Roman solider, and also reiterating once again the fact that Big Foot does not indeed exist, we headed back to his room.

“Big Foot is real!” he protested. “I saw it on TV.”

Yet another reason we did not hook up cable.

“Honey, even if Big Foot were real, he wouldn’t live in Florida. It’s too hot here. And there are no mountains or tall trees for him to hide in. Big Foot lives in Oregon…if he exists…which I don’t think he does.”

Silence.

“But you said bears live in Oregon.” God help the poor child if he ever has to live in Oregon. Don’t worry Oregonians (right?), I didn’t pin monsters on you. I told the kids monsters live in Canada.

S’all good.

“Lay down, babe,” I said, brushing my hand across his silky smooth cheek. Would that I could bottle his skin up…

“Let’s find something you can hold on to while you go to sleep so you don’t have to be scared,” I said, looking around his room.

“I can hold on to you,” he replied grabbing hold of my hand and looking up with ocean blue eyes. And I melted…fast. Knees buckled, a mass of goo, I slid under the covers and held his hand. Five minutes later, he slept. All the lights are still on in his room. Because Big Foot doesn’t like light. If he did, we’d have caught him and there would be no need for a TV show.

And now I sit in an empty, quiet, semi-organized room. I believe I have found my writing zone in this new house. I love this front room. It’s peaceful and happy and I feel inspired here. Last night I stayed up, much too late, writing, for the first time focused on my book. The voices of my characters are swirling and moving again.

I’m going to finish it, friends. It may mean I have to spend a little less time with you and a little more time with the people I want to introduce you to. Bear with me as I find my stride. And in the meantime, if you could all be on the lookout for Big Foot and let me know when and if you find him.

I, on the other hand, will continue to keep the air bed inflated on the floor next to my bed.

Something tells me we’re going to need it for awhile.

Image Credit

Filed Under: Family, Florida, Kids do the darndest things, Novel, Sloan, writing Tagged With: Big Foot, Motherhood, moving, New House Fears, writing

The Tapestry of Now

September 12, 2011 By Kelli 9 Comments

Life’s adventure rarely leaves time for long enough pause to question. How did I come to this and what brought me here? It’s only upon stepping back from the tapestry and observing that we’re able to truly see the Artist’s flair.

What looked to be a tangled web of yellow thread was really a sunbeam.

The woven blue lines folding in and out grew into a vast ocean when stepping back.

Did you know that sometimes you can step back and look at even the most recent past and see beauty? Did you know that if you take just a minute to breathe, you might be amazed at what’s developing right before your eyes? Did you know that sometimes the present feels tangled and knotted but upon closer examination, it’s really shaping up to be something…grand?

I’m there. Right now.

I didn’t want to “provide my children with a home education program” as the State of Florida asked me to word it in my letter to the Superintendent. But somehow I knew I was supposed to. And it scared me. It still scares me.

But here we are. Two weeks in and dare I say we’re having fun? And if I step back for a few minutes and let the weight of this responsibility slide off my shoulders, I am able to see something beautiful being pieced together.

: The root word + the suffix =

My kids and I are enjoying one another. Naturally there are moments of frustration. There are certain children who are to remain unnamed who, apparently, are so easily distracted that the simplest of tasks can turn into the most painful. There are whiny moments and at least once a day I have to stop myself from tossing my hands in the air in exasperation.

But, more than anything else – we’re laughing together.

: Russian lessons

We’re living life together and learning as a whole. Similes, compound sentences, geography…who knew learning could be such fun? They can label every state on the map and, as an added bonus, so can I. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, eh?

Tia loves to do "hard math."

And suddenly, without even knowing really when or how it happened, I became that mom. The mom who schools her children in the home…and likes it. I still don’t know if this is a permanent situation for us. I honestly don’t know. But for right now, I’m enjoying this bumpy little ride.

Taking a compound sentence from Sloan’s journal and pointing out the conjunction. He was also required to use one simile. My poor kids…stuck with a mom who finds a freakish amount of glee in similes and compound sentences. You should feel sorry for them.

As I look back at the tapestry being woven these past few weeks, I’m in awe of the beauty and the masterful way it’s all slowly coming together.

Even if there are a few stray threads still needing to be plucked…

I wrote out a few conjunctions and turned around to talk with Tia for a minute. When I heard snickering I turned back around to find Sloan had edited my writing slightly. Silly little boys make the tapestry a little more fun and…colorful, wouldn’t you say?

*sigh*

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Homeschool, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Russian, School, Sloan Tagged With: Boys will be boys, faith, Homeschool, humor, Life's Tapestry, Motherhood, Teaching kids in the home

Utah, A Bomb and a Slithering Sea Snake

September 5, 2011 By Kelli 16 Comments

The first week of school is tucked firmly beneath my belt. This is fancy talk for, I survived. So did the kids, by the way. Landon barely. Apparently I neglected to mention to him when we began that school occurs every. single. day. So on day two, as he toddled into the kitchen, his morning Cup ‘a Joe nestled firmly between his teeth (read: sippy cup of juice), he asked me the same thing he asks me every morning.

“Mommy? What we gonna do today?”

“We have school again today.”

Shock.

Horror.

Face crumbles, juice falls to the floor and a great deal of weeping doth commence. “But we alweady did school yestewday!”

Um…yeah. Apparently school every day isn’t his favorite. By day five he started to come around, though he never met the news that school was about to begin with much glee. You can’t please everyone, right?

Not that school was a wash for him. We worked on learning the States last week. We labeled them on a map and each day learned to identify a few more. By the end of the week, Sloan was able to point to and label 30 States. Tia could label about 15 and then needed a few prompts for the rest. Landon can point to about 6 when asked where they are. But all on his own, he can label one State.

Utah.

For some reason Utah. Not Florida. Not Missouri. Utah.

Why?

There is no way for me to answer that question. I don’t know why. All I know is my three year old can point to Utah when shown a blank map. I am so proud.

We are one with the fish

As a reward for a great first week of school, we finished lessons early on Friday and headed to the The Florida Aquarium in Tampa. We got up close and personal with the sting rays, we growled at the sharks and we made silly faces at the alligators. And we topped it all off with some good old fashioned water play.

Grrrr....

As an impromptu history lesson, we walked next door to the American Victory Ship, one of only four operational World War II ships in the country. It was the end of the day and they were preparing to close, but they let us have the run of the ship before shutting everything down. We rang the bells, visited the captain’s quarters and fought mighty battles against the enemy warships and alien droids.

We won each battle with nary an injury. It was truly a victorious ship.

Just before leaving, one of the sailors aboard the ship took us into the Engine Room and gave us a quick history lesson. The ship was built 70 years ago (not 60 hundred as Landon guessed…by hey – he can identify Utah, right?). And the massive vessel was built in only 55 days. Not 25 years as Sloan guessed. But hey…he can point to 30 States on a map, right?

“Can you take us out on a ride in this ship?” Sloan asked the Sailor-man. I just wish my child wasn’t so shy, ya know?

“Well, no. Not right now. We’re dry docked right now. There are a lot of things that need to be done to get a ship out to sea.”

“Oh,” Sloan said, not masking his disappointment at all. This week’s homeschooling theme is “Tact and How To Use It.”

Seeing his crestfallen face, Sailor-man smiled. “You know,” he said. “Every once in awhile we do take this beautiful ship out for a spin on the water. You have your mom find out when we’re going to do that again and make sure you all come out to take a ride with us, okay?”

Sloan grinned and clasped his hands together at his chest. “Okay!” he cried, his eyes dancing. “When we go out, can you shoot off a bomb? Please?” He did use lovely manners making his Mama brim with pride.

“Well,” Sailor-man said, his own eyes twinkling, “Now I’m afraid that’s frowned upon…”

Pause. Silence.

“What do you mean?” Sloan asked.

And we all laughed. Me with the “Oh I’m so embarrassed I will explain this to him later” Mom laugh, and Sailor-man with the “I used to be a little boy and I had a few little boys of my own so I totally understand what’s going on inside his head” laugh. And off we went.

Sunday night brought beautiful, perfect Florida weather. There was an ocean breeze perfect for fishing and we traipsed down to the dock at sunset where Sloan immediately snagged a beautiful, large blue crab. After a bit of dancing and a whole lot of finagling, we got him in the bucket and gave him a pinfish to play with. Lee pulled in a good sized catfish that we all ooed and aahed over until it came time to take him off the hook, then we all scattered and let Lee handle the honors alone.

We’re a brave bunch.

The night ended early, however, when Sloan’s line bent over and he struggled and fought and pulled up a…friggin’ snake. When we figured out that’s what was on his line, Tia sprouted wings and flew 50 feet in less than a second. I danced and yelped while Lee held his arms straight out and yelled “STOP! Do not pull that thing in.” He grabbed the pole and shook it until the long (too long) sea monster finally fell off. And with our hearts hammering in our throats, we packed it in and marched inside, cooking our crab for a little late night snack.

How was your holiday weekend?