The day I questioned everything I knew to be true

Saturday night found Lee and I in the minivan, kids in tow, heading out to the mattress store to purchase two new mattresses.  Never mind that the kids desperately needed them.  Never mind that Tia’s mattress was so cheap that is was literally falling apart and becoming a potential hazard.  Never mind  that both mattresses had been peed on so many times they could be deemed a health code violation.  Never mind any of those things.  The fact is simply this:

I went out on Saturday evening to buy mattresses and thought it was fun.

Hi, my name is Kelli and I am a  bona fide minivan mom.

Ah, but we haven’t even got to the best part of the story.  What?  Surely you know there would be more to this story than the fact that I had a hoot buying twin mattresses on a Saturday night, right?  A hoot!

It was the incident that occurred when we returned home that sent my world aspinnin’.  It started simple.  We came home so Lee could drop the kids and I off and return to the mattress store to pick up our most exciting purchases.  We had to remove the car seats and fold down the back seats and clean up a bit.  And it was during this event that I began to question my entire identity.

The title of my blog is Minivans Are Hot.  With the operative word being Hot.   I know, I know…Minivan and Hot together in a sentence is an oxymoron.  And most days I would beg to differ and would launch into a diatribe about how it’s sexy to be a mom and how minivan moms have it goin’ on and I would work my hardest to convince you that I was right.  Until Saturday night…

What I found in the back seat of my minivan was anything but Hot.  Let’s start with what I found under the seat, shall we?  It was sticky…it was brown…it had flecks of leaves and dirt stuck to it.  What was that?!

From there I removed the kids car seats to find enough dried, crumbled food to feed a small pack of wild baboons.  It was sealed into the lining of the seat fabric and had to be scraped out with my fingernail.  *heave*  Don’t even get me started on what  I found in their seats.

But the piece de resitance came when I crawled into the way back and looked inside the cup holder.  It is here that I gasped, looked at my husband and exclaimed, “Gross!  This is why minivans are NOT. HOT.”  Then I clutched my chest with the gravity of my statement and fell in dramatic Disney Princess fashion onto the seat, the back of my hand against my forehead…

No I didn’t.  That last part didn’t happen – mostly because I wouldn’t want to lay on those seats for $100.  Maybe for $1000, though.

In the cup holder sat dried, crusted, molded bread.  It appears my children are stock piling food in the back seat of our minivan in the event that a giant meteor should come crashing down to earth and we need to seek shelter inside the car for a significant amount of time.  It also appears that they have eaten portions of a sandwich and then shoved the remaining portion in the cup holder and have, every day for who knows how long, been looking at this rotting sandwich and ignoring it.

It’s like I’m raising little cave people!

I promptly dug out the rot and marched to the trash can.  My husband, sensing my impending melt down went dashing for the Shop Vac in the basement.  Being the super hero that he is, he spent the next half hour sucking the muck out of our minivan while I went inside and lectured my children on the importance of throwing away rotten food.  I also tried to talk myself out of changing my blog title from Minivans Are Hot to Minivans Are A Place Where Horrors grow Beneathe the Seats and in the Cupholders While You Yourself Obliviously Drive From Here to There Thinking You Are Looking Fine When Really You Are Controlling a Moving Science Experiment.

But in typical Hero fashion, my man came inside just as I was certain that my entire online identity was going to have to be realtered and yelled “Ta-Da!”  I walked outside to see the seats clean (hey look!  The fabric’s grey…) The cup holders clean…er.  They still have a sticky substance that I can only assume will need to be chisled out at some point (probably just before we decide to sell the car).  And it smelled much more pleasant too.  It was actually quite nice in there.

I smiled at him and jumped into his arms.  Small birds flitted about our heads as he spun me around and when we kissed little animated hearts floated up into the dusky sky. 

Alright…that last part didn’t happen either.  Sometimes I wish I lived in a cartoon.

Despite the cleanliness of my car, however, I couldn’t shake the fact that I had outwardly acknowledged the un-hotness of my minivan.  And so I’m here to retrain my mind.  And if any of you are having a hard time believeing that Minivans Are Hot like I am, then why don’t you join in with me as we repeat the mantra over and over.  

Minivans are hot, minivans are hot, minivans are hot, minivans are not, minivans are not…

NONONONONO!!!!

Let’s try again.

Minivans are hot, minivans are hot, minivans are hot…

Do you believe it?

Comments

  1. I DO live in a cartoon – except it is one of those where you are constantly falling off a cliff and either a piano, a bank vault, or a 10 ton weight follows you.

    If there is one rule about cars you haul kids around in, it is NEVER GO IN THE BACK SEATS AGAIN! Congrats on surviving that. It’s really quite impressive.

  2. I long for the day when my car no longer smells like chicken nuggets.

  3. Ha! Gregg, I now know and will prtect myself from the dangers of the back seat from here on out. And Kelli, I couldn’t agree more…

  4. Ok now you have me heading out to go clean my van as well, thanks a lot just when I thought I would waste the rest of my afternoon on the computer. 🙂

  5. Ah yes…it is my mission to ensure that all mom’s get up and work, work, work and not ever sit and spend time on the computer…

    Wait – that’s not right! I want you on the computer, dangit. I want you here reading my blog! 🙂 Just kidding.

    Maybe.

    Have fun cleaning your van! At least you know you’ll burn off a few hundred calories in the process!

  6. Kathy Hart says:

    I hate to tell you this Kelli, but it only get’s worse when your kids get older!! You’d be shocked at what you’ll find under, in between and behind your van seats! But at least then, you can make them help clean it out –at least mine do. Hard to get rid of the McDonalds smell though! Seems to linger forever–best not to eat fast food anyway.

  7. I drive a 1993 Buick LaSabre. Minivans are way hotter than an old man car. Besides, it doesn’t matter what you drive, if kids are in the vehicle, you will still find unidentifiable food pieces smooshed deep in its crevices.

  8. Did you happen to read my post about my tahoe the other day. Here is a link http://thedisheroons.blogspot.com/2010/09/it-is-all-about-poop.html

    That should make you feel better about a little rotten food. lol

  9. Christine says:

    Yeaaaahhhh…I saved for and delightedly paid for some car nerds to detail my car last summer…..when I picked it up they said, “oh, it’s you.” This sounded bad so I said, “it is…..is there something wrong?” They replied, “No, we were just discussing whether we should double the charge for detailing your van but decided not to this time, since you are a new client.” I was disgusted, being a total cheapskate, and said, “DOUBLE? Are you joking? Why!?” The poor guy, he stammered and finally said, “Ma’am, I have been doing this a long time and I have never seen anything like the back of your minivan. I think it is at the top of our top ten. It beat a lady that had a potbellied pig.” I slunk out of there as quickly as I could, paying my “discounted” rate gladly. Lol!!

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