Family | Page 22 | Minivans Are Hot

When Daddy Explains

June 12, 2011 by Kelli

I was on the phone last week, pacing the driveway. It was a beautiful day and the kids were all napping or resting. I just needed some air. As I spoke with my friend, I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned in time to see Sloan marching by with a twelve foot ladder tucked snuggly under his arm. He didn’t even glance my way as he walked past, his face cool and nonchalant. As if carrying around a ladder was normal.

I swear, if that kid had a stuffed tiger I would be living with Calvin and Hobbes.

“Um…I think I should probably hang up,” I said to my friend as Sloan set the ladder down next to the corner of the house and popped it open. He looked up at the roof, his hand shading his eyes slightly. I managed to reach him just as he stepped on the third rung, the ladder wobbling precariously on the slanted driveway.

“Whatcha doin’?” I asked, grabbing hold of the base of the ladder.

“Oh, hey Mom,” Sloan said, still playing cool. “I’m checking out the bird’s nest up here.”

I looked up and sure enough, there was a nest just underneath the roof.

“Can I?” he asked, looking down at me with his penetrating blue eyes. Then he grinned. Stinker.

“Yes,” I replied. “Be careful.”

So up he climbed to the top rung and he peered over the side of the nest.

“There’s a baby bird in there!” he screeched. Seriously screeched. My ears are still ringing. “It’s so cute! Aw, Mom come see the baby bird!”

So we switched places and I climbed the ladder with him holding it steady. Inside the nest was a tiny, newly hatched baby, it’s beak pointed upward, waiting for nourishment.

“Can I see it again?” Sloan yelled, shaking the ladder for effect. Nice.

He climbed back up and looked in again. “This is so freakin’ cool!” he yelled again. To which I reminded him that I was only a few feet below and he didn’t need to scream. Then he reached for the bird.

“Don’t touch it,” I cautioned. “If the Mama bird comes back and smells you on her baby, she’ll leave him and he’ll die.”

With one last look and a wave, we pulled the ladder back down and headed on with our day.

Fast forward to this afternoon when we’re driving home from church. Sloan pipes up from the backseat. “Hey Mom. I don’t care if it dies, so when we get home can I get the ladder out and pick up the baby bird and keep it? I’ll get it worms and I’ll take care of it. Can I raise the baby bird?”

“No,” I said. “It’s Mama would be sad. And we really don’t know how to raise a baby bird. It’s better if we leave it alone.”

“But I can take good care of it,” came the anticipated protest.

“Hey Buddy,” Lee said, glancing into the mirror. “You don’t need to try and raise that baby bird.”

“Why?”

“Well,” Lee said, and he paused. “It would be like a bear coming to our house and seeing you and saying ‘I want to take that little boy home and raise him.’ Bears don’t know how to raise little boys. That bear wouldn’t know how to feed you – he’d probably just give you raw meat or raw fish, like he eats. And if he tried to hug you or give you a kiss, he’d probably claw you to death or bite off your nose with his sharp teeth. Bear’s aren’t meant to take care of little boys just like little boys aren’t meant to take care of baby birds.”

This is the part where I begin clutching my sides, I’m laughing so hard.

“And bee’s should take care of bee’s, wight?” Tia chimes in.

“Right,” Lee replies. “Bears take care of bears, bee’s take care of bee’s, bird’s take care of bird’s–”

“And people take care of people!” Sloan interrupts.

“That’s right!” Lee pumps his fist in the air. “Homosapiens take care of Homosapiens.”

And THAT, folks, is what happens when Daddy decides to explain.

The End.

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Lee, Sloan Tagged With: Dad's say the darndest things, Kids, Lee

One more year

June 6, 2011 by Kelli

I am officially one more year older as of Saturday. I am 29.

Stop laughing.

I have to tell my children that because the two youngest can’t say their “Th” sound, which means “Th” sounds like “F” so when they say my age they place me well into a decade that I’m not prepared to enter.

When I was a 19 year old college girl, I began dating a boy who was, at the time, a senior. One night as we sat in his apartment, I asked him how old he was. “23,” he replied. And I almost had a heart attack because OMG 23 was so old.

One year after marrying my husband, we headed over to the home of a couple who was one life phase ahead of us. They had three young kids, a big house and were everything we thought we wanted to be. It was my birthday. “How old are you today?” they asked.

“23,” I replied. And they laughed. “Do you remember 23, babe?” she asked her husband.

“Barely,” he replied and I laughed along with them but for a different reason because OMG 23 felt so old.

Shortly thereafter I began having children. And I waddled around, 25 and knocked up. Feeling so old. Despite the fact, however, that I looked to be no older than a teenager in a very precarious position.

Then I hit 29 (where I have remained) and I finally felt at peace with my age. When you have three children and you’re under thirty, you tend to get a look or two. It’s a look of pity and wonderment. Three kids already, huh? I got asked more than once. So 29 felt right…it felt good.

So I stopped there. Mentally, anyway. The truth is, I’m only in my early thirties. I’m two whole years away from my mid-thirties so there’s really no need to acknowledge the thirties at all, in my opinion.

And there sure as heck isn’t any reason to tell my kids my age. Because if I do, then whenever they’re asked how old mommy is, their reply will be, “Mommy if fowty-fwee.”

And h@#^ no I’m not. I’m nowhere near the 4-number. I can’t be because OMG forty is so old.

Stop laughing.

Obviously, age is just a number and it’s all relative. Forty really isn’t that old, but in my mind, it seems old. I remember my parents turning forty, for cryin’ out loud. But whatever. The older you get, the younger old looks…right, Dad?

But I’m a long way from the 4 number so there’s no need to worry about that anyway. Moving on…

So the number may not be my favorite thing but, I have to say, that in my 29-ish years of life the greatest accomplishment I’ve had by far are these three:

I still feel like that little 19 year old girl floating on the cloud of youth (just the fact that I am compelled to refer to anyone under the age of 25 as “little” or “kid” is evidence of my age…) but I will gladly grow older because each year brings new joys, new blessings and the chance to watch those sweet kids grow.

I’ll take that in exchange for a few new wrinkles. But just a few!

Just please, don’t ask them to say my real age until we’ve had a little time to work with a speech therapist. Deal?

Stop. Laughing!

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids do the darndest things, Life, Motherhood, Random, things I don't need to hear Tagged With: birthdays, growing older, Motherhood

Childhood

June 1, 2011 by Kelli

I am going to post some pictures, but before I do, I feel compelled to offer this warning:

The photos you are about to view contain images of extreme cuteness. View with caution, particularly if you are sensitive to happiness, small children and unabashed joy. These images should not be viewed by the faint of heart or anyone with an aversion to the following items: babies, puppies, rainbows, sunshine or happiness as they will not be emotionally equipped to handle the cute. If you suffer from hard heartedness, view with caution and with full awareness that you may be forced to smile. Proceed carefully and it is advisable to let out a hearty “Aaaawww” while viewing to prevent your heart from exploding.

Phew. Now that I got that disclaimer out of the way, you’re free to look. Does anything scream childhood more than this? Tell me. Anything at all?

Aaaaaawwww…

Filed Under: Family, Kids, Landon, summer fun, Tia Tagged With: Kids, sprinklers, summer fun, things I love

The packing fairies failed me

June 1, 2011 by Kelli

I am putting out an SOS. This is my Bat Signal, the rocks in the sand spelling H-E-L-P. I need you webernets! I am here on my knees…grovelling.

Our house has a contract on it. We’re waiting on inspection reports and will likely have a bit of negotiating to do, so it could all fall apart still, but in all likelihood our house is going to sell and we will need to be out June 30. That’s 30 days from now. Which means one very important thing:

I need to start packing.

I bought boxes last weekend to do just that. See?

I brought the boxes home – 11 small boxes, 7 medium boxes and 4 large boxes – and I excitedly set them in the kitchen, prepared to begin filling them with all our life’s treasures. Then I stepped back and looked around and my throat closed. I sat down in a kitchen chair and stared at the boxes.

A half hour later, Lee walked by. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged.

“Are you going to do something?” he asked, ever so gently.

“I don’t know,” I replied, my eyes glassed over. “Maybe I’ll start with the closets. I can at least pack up the winter stuff.”

So I carried four boxes to my bedroom and leaned them against the wall…where they still sit.

I don’t know where to start, folks. I just don’t even know where to start. I can pack up winter clothes, but that means going through the closets, which look like this:

Clearly, going through the closets is no small task. They are filled with clothes, many of which should probably be weeded out and donated. And I’m just not sure where or how to start. So I asked the packing fairies to come out at night and magically fille my boxes in an organized and efficient manner.

They haven’t responded.

It was suggested that I try packing up things I don’t use, like my fine china. That’s a much less overwhelming room to pack because there’s not much in it and I won’t be giving anything away. I just need to pack it.

But I’m nervous, because that stuff is highly breakable and fragile and I don’t know how to pack it in a way that doesn’t destroy it. I’m scouring the internet for special boxes and I know I should get packing paper and newspaper. I do have bubble wrap and a nifty tape gun, so I have the tools.

I just don’t know what to do with them.

I have moved before, incidentally. But that was back when we were first married and we lived in a little apartment and had17 possessions to our name. Packing a house?

I need a drink. A stiff one. And I really need those dang fairies to do their jobs.

So do you have any advice for me, internets? Where do I begin? And please, someone tell me how I’m supposed to do any of this with three rug rats under my feet!

Filed Under: Family, Life Tagged With: Mom's Overwhelmed, moving, packing

The Pick-Up Game

May 30, 2011 by Kelli

Did you know that my man was a star basketball player in high school and in college?

He would never tell you that because he’s too humble and he wouldn’t want to brag.

I don’t mind bragging about him, though.

Did you know that my husband was asked to play professional basketball in Germany right before we got married?

We said no.

It is perhaps our biggest regret.

Not that we regret the way our life turned out.

The decision we made led us down a different path of blessings.

But the reason we declined that opportunity is cause for regret.

We said no because we were scared. We were babies and marriage felt monumental enough.

Moving to Europe didn’t feel safe.

That’s a terrible reason to say no. Fear is never a good reason to dismiss opportunity.

Did you know that my basketball man still has game?

He’s humbled more than one teenager on the court.

He’s not afraid to humble the college boys, either.

He gets a little more sore after playing than he used to, but he’s still got skills.

Did you know that my basketball man can not say no to the game of basketball?

Even if he’s bone tired and has had a long day working…

if Sloan asks him to play ball, he will say yes.

And you will probably find two or three neighborhood boys out there with him, too.

He always shares the ball and makes sure everyone, right down to the littlest one, gets a turn to dribble and shoot.

He also…

makes sure they know…

the old guy’s still got it.

Happy Memorial Day!

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Lee Tagged With: Basketball, Daddy with kids, glory days

Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls

May 26, 2011 by Kelli

Last night we watched the American Idol finale. We haven’t watched American Idol all season so we had no idea who the finalists were, but we knew that the final show was bound to have good entertainment.

It had excellent entertainment, if slightly inappropriate for young eyes. What the heck was up with J-Lo’s dress and dance?!

Yes, the show was good. Only Idol could bring together Judas Priest, Kurt Franklin and Gladys Knight all within a ten minute time span and make it work. But I must say, the real entertainment did not begin until TLC walked on stage. When they announced it Lee looked at me with wide eyes.

“TLC is coming on stage?”

“Who’s TLC?” Sloan asked.

“TLC is old school, son,” I replied. “They were popular when I was in high school.”

“They were popular was I was in high school!” Lee said with a laugh.

When they hit the stage Lee’s shoulders immediately began to shake throwing me back to 1999 when I first entered a dance club with my soon to be husband…

*squiggly lines* *dream sequence* *squiggly lines* *dream sequence* *squiggly lines* *dream sequence*

I stood in line outside the club with the man who had not long ago professed his love for me. We were waiting to get into Midnight Rodeo, the hottest dance spot in Waco, Texas. At least I think it was still called Midnight Rodeo – the name of the club might have changed at this point. This part of the dream is a little fuzzy.

“Why is it so crowded tonight?” Lee asks the couple in front of us.

“Vanilla Ice is going to be here tonight,” the guy replies, his cigarette bouncing between his lips.

“Seriously?” I say. “Did Vanilla Ice have any other songs besides Ice, Ice Baby?”

We finally paid our admission into the club and, for the first time, I am able to enter without being branded with a giant X on the back of my hand by a Sharpie wielding bouncer. I’m 21 now so I don’t have to be branded anymore. How cool am I?

We start the night by watching the two steppers in the middle of the hard wood dance floor. Lee and I marvel at the size of the mens belt buckles. The only thing that rivals them is the womens hair. After watching for awhile, we decide to try and join the ranks. We don’t know how to two step, but how hard can it be, right?

It’s hard. Two stepping is country’s version of swing dancing. There’s twisting and turning and their arms intertwine into four knots then they spin and unwind and Voila! They are no longer tied in knots. All the while they’re two stepping their feet in a slow circle around the stage.

We try for one song and decide to quit embarrassing ourselves. But then Strawberry Wine comes on and everyone slows down, so we do too. Because who doesn’t want to dance to Strawberry Wine, right?

After our slow dance, we head to a small room on the right where it’s just been announced that Vanilla Ice is about to take the stage. We head inside and cram in with more people than I thought would care about Vanilla Ice. And take the stage he does.

“He’s short,” I shout to Lee over the noise of the crowd.

“And he still has the same haircut!” Lee shouts back.

Vanilla Ice starts and it’s horrible. His songs…they’re horrible. They don’t make sense, every other word is the F-Bomb and it’s just terrible music. We decide to leave when we hear it.

Bum dum dum dum da da dum bum

That’s the beginning strains of Ice, Ice Baby. Couldn’t you tell?

And Lee freaks out. He waves his hands in the air and then starts doing a move I’ve never seen before. His fists ball up at his sides and his shoulders start shaking up and down. I laugh and join in.

Alright stop.

Collaborate and LISTEN.

Ice is back with a brand new inVENTION.

Something. Grabs a hold of me tightly,

Pulls like a harpoon daily and nightly.

Will it ever stop? Yo! I don’t know.

Turn out the lights and I’ll go.

To the extreme something something like a candle

Light up the scene somethingsomething like a vandal

DANCE.

I stop singing because I don’t know any of the words after that, but Lee does. He know the whole. dang. song. And he sings it while bouncing his shoulders up and down, his body moving to the rhythm. It was hysterical and terrifying all at once.

After he woos me with his impressive knowledge of early ’90’s music, we head to the third room in the club where they are playing true dance music. We take to the colorful dance floor and Lee continues to dazzle me with his impressive shoulder shake. He shakes his shoulders to every song that comes on. It is a move I’ve never seen before and I’m slightly baffled by it. He accompanies the shoulder shake with a great deal of attitude in his face. Lips pursed, brow furrowed, I’m a hip dancerman type face.

Sexy.

We dance until someone spills a large cup of beer in my hair. As we leave I wonder if Lee’s shoulders are sore from all that bouncing. Little did I know that the shoulder bounce is his signature move and he would bust it out anytime a song from his glory days (high school and college) came on…for all of eternity.

*squiggly lines* *dream sequence ends* *squiggly lines* *dream sequence ends* *squiggly lines*

As TLC sang last night, Lee’s shoulders shook out of habit. It’s force of nature for him, you see. But what I wasn’t prepared for was the TLC girls (what are their names) dance moves.

They were doing the shoulder shake!

“AHAHAHAHA!” I laughed. “They’re doing your move. It’s old school, baby!”

“THIS IS WHERE I GOT IT!” he yelled and jumped off the couch, his face full of attitude, his shoulders full of bounce.

Awe-to the-Some.

Filed Under: blast from the past, Family, funny stuff that happens, Lee Tagged With: American Idol finale, dancing, hysterical, Marriage, TLC, Vanilla Ice

We’re Back

May 25, 2011 by Kelli

On Friday I picked Sloan up from school early. I took all three kids outside the building and finally let them in on a secret I’d been keeping quiet for two weeks.

We were going to Florida.

I have never had more fun. We will definately be doing more surprise trips in the future because their expressions were priceless and it was so fun to tell them we were hopping in the car and heading to the airport. I kept it a secret from them out of necessity because we were going down there to surprise my Mom when she landed in Tampa after being in England for forever. My Dad and I planned the trip several weeks ago and I knew that if I told the kids the surprise would be ruined.

So fun.

Mom was surprised and had no idea we would be there. The kids thought it was the greatest thing ever to jump out and say surprise when she got off the plane. It was just fun.

We soaked up every minute of fun while we were in Florida. We swam, spent hours at the beach, rode on the kayak and the boat, snorkeled, found sand dollars, watched the sunset and ate lots of M&M’s and ice cream. It was a great quick trip.

This was my first time flying alone with all three kids so I was a little nervous, but they did great. Sloan sat in a row by himself and talked the ear off the woman next to him. The only hiccup came when all three kids had to go to the bathroom at the same time and were all positive that they were going to wet their pants. The bathroom closest to us was occupied for a solid 20 minutes by a man two rows back (yeesh) so we finally trekked to the front of the plane only to be informed by the flight attendant that we all had to squeeze into the bathroom together because we weren’t allowed to wait in the hallway.

So we all squeezed into the bathroom together.

Adventure.

The people in the first few rows of the plane got quite the entertainment as they heard my kids squealing and screeching.

“Don’t touch me while I pee!”

“I don’t have space!”

“My pee won’t come out. Stop looking at me!”

“I can’t reach the toilet paper to wipe!”

“You’re too close, this is weird!”

All the while I’m taking deep breaths and trying not to panic because we all know I have an irrational fear of airplane bathrooms. I tried to think of happy things like puppy’s and butterfly’s so I could keep my mind off the vision of the four of us plummeting 35,000 feet to our deaths inside a cramped airplane outhouse…

Finally everyone managed to do their business and we exited the bathroom to applause.

Awesome.

We’re home now and it’s time to finish school and prepare the house for the inspections that are happening this week. I have pictures and video to share, but not today. Today I have to scrub floors and organize so that my house can be picked apart and scrutinized.

This is the part where I tell you I wish I was back at the beach…

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, summer fun Tagged With: beach, home inspections, Kids, Life, Random

Ulyana

May 23, 2011 by Kelli

We met eight years ago. Both of us young, married and in love with the world. She was my translator and for one month she acted as my guide. I was on a grand adventure. I was touring the country of Ukraine, interviewing veterans of the great war, World War II. I was five months pregnant and became ill almost the second I set foot in the country. And she made sure that I was well taken care of as we traveled.

We took trains and taxi’s, my pregnant belly bouncing all over the pitted roads, me hanging on for dear life becuase the taxi driver’s seat belts were broken.

“He wants you to trust him,” she said. I heard the sympathy in her voice. She knew I was uncomfortable. Over the course of our adventure, Sveta and I bonded. My mom was with us and the three of us became fast friends – family. Separated by an ocean, but filled with trust and love for one another.

Sveta and her husband, Vova, were fairly newlywed and were devastatingly cute. They were, and still are, madly in love and it just made me smile to see them together. They were mushy and gushy, but not in an uncomfortable way. They just made you happy.

One of the stops on our trip was to Sveta’s hometown of Dunaivtsi. We spent two days with her family, her Mom and Dad fussing over me and making sure I was well fed and taken care of. I ate her Mom’s green borscht and it was, quite possibly, the most wonderful meal I’ve ever eaten. Ever.

Sveta and I laughed a lot on that trip. Her sense of humor was so keen and her English so sharp that she was easily able to keep up with my random wit. We visited fortresses and classrooms. We spent time in colleges and she stood by my side as a group of veteran soldiers poured out their hearts, and their memories, to me in vivid detail.

Sveta became more than a friend. She became a sister.

And for eight years, Sveta and I have remained the dearest of friends. We’ve rejoiced in children born and mourned pregnancies lost. Her first born, Ulyana (Ulya) and Landon are just days apart. I’ve watche dSveta, through her blog, as she’s grown into such a wonderful, beautiful, lovely mother. She is expecting her second child now and I’m just so proud of her and excited for her.

But tomorrow Sveta and Vova need your prayers. Ulya was born with specific health challenges that have brought them to a point of needing surgical intervention. The surgery is tomorrow and it’s dangerous and meticulous and difficult. No parent ever wants to see their child suffer pain or discomfort. It’s stressful and frightening.

Would you please pray for Sveta, Vova and Ulya tonight and tomorrow?

Pray for peace as Sveta and Vova wait. They are currently in Kiev, where the surgery will take place and they will remain there as Ulya recovers. Pray for Sveta in particular as she is dealing with major stress while pregnant. Pray for her safety and for the safety of her unborn child.

Please pray for the doctors as they work on Ulya, a sweet little girl with a vibrant personality. Pray that they have wisdom and special skill. Pray for protection over her little body. Pray for Ulyana’s bones, that they would be strong and that her body would be able to withstand the procedure. Pray that this surgery would only enhance her life.

Sveta and Vova have been on my heart for some time now as they prepared for this day. They have been concerned and frightened, as any parents would be. It just felt right to share this prayer need with you all and I’m thankful because I know that you all will lift them up.

Svetochka, I love you and I, along with many others, will be praying for you, Vova and Ulyana tomorrow!

Thank you, everyone, for supporting a sister in need! I appreciate it more than I know how to express.

Filed Under: faith, Family, Random, Russian Tagged With: faith, FRIENDS, prayer, surgery, Ukraine

Happy Birthday, Mom

May 17, 2011 by Kelli

So this video isn’t nearly as cool as I wanted it to be. But as we all learned yesterday, I’m not really that cool anyway, so this actually fits quite well.

Today is my awesome Mom’s birthday and she’s half way across the world. I so wanted to fly to England and surprise her for her birthday, but alas, it wasn’t to be. Instead I had the kids write down 60 reasons why they love their Byshka (short for Babyshka – Grandmother in Russian). And here they are, all 60 reasons.

Unfortunately you can’t understand a word Landon says due to his lisp and inability to say several letters but he’s painfully cute so it doesn’t matter.

(A small disclaimer: I promise I bathe my kids, although in this video they are visibly dirty. The bruise on Tia’s chin is the result of an unfortunate run in with a parked car as she sped down the hill on her bike. We’re still working on riding without training wheels. The mark on Landon’s nose is the result of me not clipping his nails soon enough. I have no idea what’s on Sloan’s face. Carry on…)

Mom, I love you and I hope you’re having a grand time in London today. We’re sending kisses from across the pond. I think we’ll even pick up a little birthday cake and eat it in your honor today. So thanks for having a birthday – it gives us an excuse to splurge on a cake. And cake is good.

Love you and see you in a few weeks!!!

Filed Under: Family, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Motherhood, Sloan, Tia Tagged With: Kids, Mom, video

Handstands in Heaven

April 26, 2011 by Kelli

Alternately titled: Car Ride of Random

We were heading home from Russian school, altogether as a family (in our smokin’ hot minivan that we now officially own, no less. HAWT!). It was raining. Again. We were tired and a little hungry since I failed in my mom duties and forgot to pack us dinners to go. But we were together as a family and that made everything a little bit better.

“Hey Mom,” Sloan piped up. “Why do girls always pick on me and bully me?”

“Probably because they like you,” I replied. I know the girls in question and I’m not entirely sure that’s why they’re picking on him. I think they’re just ornery, but I felt compelled to give the standard issue Mom answer as clearly directed in Article 16, Section C of the Mom’s Bylaws for Dealing with Difficult Questions.

Lee turned around and grinned at Sloan. “Told ya,” he said. It’s the standard issue answer for Dad’s as well, apparently.

“But why do they like me?” he asked.

“Because you’re cute and you’re smart and funny. Why wouldn’t they like you?” I answered.

“Hey Mom,” Tia yelled from the back seat. It was raining hard, we had to yell. “When I go to school and I wike some boys, I’m donna bully dem, okay?”

*This is the part where I desperately thumb through the Bylaws. There are no instructions. No INSTRUCTIONS!*

“No, you shouldn’t pick on boys,” Lee answered quickly.

“Why?” Tia asked. “You said dats what girls do when dey wike boys.”

DARN THOSE STANDARD ISSUE ANSWERS!

“Just don’t pick on boys. Treat others the way you want to be treated.”

WAM! The Golden Rule. Works every time…

“Hey Mom,” Tia yells again.

“Yes.”