Kids do the darndest things | Page 7

How to go from reverent to irreverent without even really trying…

November 18, 2010 by Kelli

If ever you ask my seven year old to pray before a meal, I suggest you make sure you’re not starving. Because Sloan? He brings it when he prays. All I need is a tent and a white hanky and Glory, Hallelujah we’ve got a revival.

Landon and Tia, try as they might, have a very difficult time making it through one of Sloan’s prayers without sneaking a bite or four. Sloan has been known to pray up to five minutes or more. He thanks God for everything from his toys to the military. He prays for poor people and for everyone he can think of by name. He prays for his own attitude and, on any given day, could likely be heard praying that his sister’s attitude would change too.

Last night’s dinnertime prayer went something like this:

Dear Lord. You are the Creator. You created. Everything. God. You are our Lord. Thanks for being our Lord. And for being our Savior. Thank you for, um, the veterens (which he pronounces vechrins). Thank you that they protect us and keep us safe. Thank you for Mr. Nevil that he fought to protect our country. We are very glad for them. Thank you for the Army vechrins and the Navy and…um…the Air Force. And all of the people that serve. It’s just awesome that they do that for us. Give them glory, Lord.

We thank you for Jonri (our Compassion child), God. He is poor. But he’s not poor anymore because we can help him to not be poor. And thank you that he will get Christmas presents. We pray for all the poor people, God. We pray that they will have food. And toys.

Lord you are very great. God. Thank you for our family (lists everyone from grandparents to aunts and uncles and cousins). Thank you for all my friends (lists as many as he can think of by name). And, God. I pray that I would have a good attitude. Thank you that I had a good day today and was nice and happy. And thank you that Tia was nice to me today and we could have a little fun.

*It’s at this point that Lee and I are trying not to crack up as Landon, with his head down and his eyes squinted open begins grabbing food and putting it in his mouth, then clasping his hands together again while he prays and chews. My grandmother would have told him he was going to choke for sneaking food during prayer.

We just thank you for everything you give us, Lord. And it is in your Holy, Powerful Name we pray…In Jesus Name.

Amen

It’s not hard to understand why Jesus commanded us to let the little children come to him. There is no holding back in the sincere prayers of a child. I am always blessed by Sloan’s prayers, no matter how lengthy they may be.

As soon as Sloan finished his prayer, we all echoed the Amen and picked up our forks to eat. But wait! Tia wanted to pray. So we bowed again. Her prayers are generally short, sweet and to the point.

Dear Wowrd. Fank you dat we have a gweat famiwy. And fank you dat you dive us dis food. And…well…amen.

Amen!

Ah the reverence. I was momentarily tempted to pat myself on the back for raising such wonderful, thoughtful children.

Then I was humbled.

After the beautiful prayers, the meal took a slight downhill turn. We picked up our forks again and Lee thanked the kids for being willing to pray. Half of Landon’s plate was, of course, clean. Everything was gone except his meat…naturally. I made beef stew. It was delicious but I will admit…it didn’t look appealing. Tia put it a…different way.

She looked down at the pile of meat on her plate and wrinkled her nose.

“Is dis poop?!”

And thus, the reverence of the moment was totally gone. Sloan cracked up and Landon looked with great disdain at his plate. It took several minutes to convince him that I did not, indeed, prepare poop for dinner.

We started off grand, though, didn’t we?

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Motherhood, Sloan, Tia Tagged With: Children praying, compassion international, kids say the darndest things, Teaching kids to love God

Kids Say the Darndest Things – A New Edition

November 5, 2010 by Kelli

It’s high time I recorded another installment of Kids Say the Darndest Things because my kids have ripped out some doozies lately. Parenting is seriously entertaining…you know, when it’s not stressful.

Me: “Hey Sloan, can I throw away this ribbon?” I hold up his Dare to Stay Off Drugs ribbon from the D.A.R.E. program at school.

“No!” He exclaimed.

“Why?” I asked. “What are yo ugoing to do with it?”

“I’m going to save it and set it out in case Daddy decides to do drugs.”

At which point I almost fell over laughing.

_____________________________________________________________

For over a year Tia has been telling us how excited she is to turn five so she can climb the rock wall at the gym. A few weeks ago she had this conversation with my mom.

Mom: “Tia, you’re going to be five soon.”

Tia (grinning): “Yep. I’m donna be five.”

Mom: “And what happens when you turn five?” Obviously prompting her to say she gets to climb the rock wall.

Tia: Pauses and thinks…”I get heavier?”

____________________________________________________________________

Eating breakfast a few weeks ago, Landon started freaking out as only a nearly three year old can.

“I not wanna sit by dat door!” he cried, pointing at the back door.

“Why not?”

“It’s thcawy (scary)!”

“Why is it scary,” I asked.

“Betause. A monthster come frew dat door.”

I laughed and moved him and thought nothing else of it, until…

I picked him up out of his crib at the crack of dawn a few days later as he cried.

“What’s wrong?”

“I thscared of dat door,” he cried, pointing at his half open closet door.

“Why?”

“A monthster in dere.”

“Honey, there aren’t any monsters,” I siad hugging him tight.

“Yeth! Wike in Monthster’s Inc.”

Note to self…help him find a new favorite movie and tuck Monster’s Inc. away for a long, long time.

I love my kids.

Happy Weekend everyone!

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things Tagged With: kids say the darndest things

Baggage

October 26, 2010 by Kelli

I’m carrying a little extra baggage today. It has settled in a most unattractive place. It’s not flattering. I don’t like it.

It’s under my eyes.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. It is likely due to the fact that I have so much going on it is hard for my brain to unwind and calm down at night. Combine that with an almost three year old who has developed wonky sleeping habits and you have…baggage.

Landon is a crafty little bugger. I go back and forth as to whether I should put him in a big kid bed or keep him in the crib. I’m not sure I’m ready for the battles of a big kid bed, but him laying in bed and whining “Mommy” over and over throughout the night (and starting most mornings around 5:45), is killing me softly. Purple under my eyes is not my color.

Dangit.

This is what I hear many mornings and, recently, in the middle of the night as well:

“Moooommmyyy…I’n firsty.” “Moooommmyyy…I needa go potty.” “Moooommmmy? Tan you tome hewe pwease?”

I don’t know what it is with our boys but both of them have been difficult sleepers in their toddler years. I’ll have to share sometime the nightmare we went through with Sloan when he was 3. Just thinking about those months makes me shudder. I’m praying we don’t have to endure that kind of difficulty with Landon too, but his recent nighttime behavior is scaring me a little. The biggest problem of all is that he is so dang cute! And he knows it and is workin’ it. And me? I’m just really, really tired. There is no rest for the weary.

Take last night, for instance. I had a rehearsal at church for our upcoming Christmas Musical. It was a pretty intense scene we were working on with lots of movement and singing so it took me a bit of time to unwind when I got home. At midnight Landon started crying. Thankfully he fell back asleep after only a few minutes. At 12:49 Sloan came into our room with an issue that needed to be dealt with. Fifteen minutes later I crawled back in bed determined to fall asleep. I did, thankfully, only to be awakened at 4:00 by a massive wind storm that shook our walls so violently I found myself wondering if I should move everyone to the basement. And at 4:30 the smoke alarm in the basement started chirping every 30 seconds indicating a dying battery. At 5:27 Landon started calling for me and intermittently singing Jesus Loves Me. By 6:30 he was done being patient and his cries escalated to the point that I knew I needed to drag my weary body out of bed.

And today we start all over. There isn’t time to rest, no time to sleep and it will be another late night.

Please…someone tell me I’ll sleep again someday. Please? Puh-leeeeeze?

Filed Under: Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Life, Motherhood Tagged With: Kids, Motherhood, sleep, sleep issues in children

The day I questioned everything I knew to be true

October 25, 2010 by Kelli

Saturday night found Lee and I in the minivan, kids in tow, heading out to the mattress store to purchase two new mattresses. Never mind that the kids desperately needed them. Never mind that Tia’s mattress was so cheap that is was literally falling apart and becoming a potential hazard. Never mind that both mattresses had been peed on so many times they could be deemed a health code violation. Never mind any of those things. The fact is simply this:

I went out on Saturday evening to buy mattresses and thought it was fun.

Hi, my name is Kelli and I am a bona fide minivan mom.

Ah, but we haven’t even got to the best part of the story. What? Surely you know there would be more to this story than the fact that I had a hoot buying twin mattresses on a Saturday night, right? A hoot!

It was the incident that occurred when we returned home that sent my world aspinnin’. It started simple. We came home so Lee could drop the kids and I off and return to the mattress store to pick up our most exciting purchases. We had to remove the car seats and fold down the back seats and clean up a bit. And it was during this event that I began to question my entire identity.

The title of my blog is Minivans Are Hot. With the operative word being Hot. I know, I know…Minivan and Hot together in a sentence is an oxymoron. And most days I would beg to differ and would launch into a diatribe about how it’s sexy to be a mom and how minivan moms have it goin’ on and I would work my hardest to convince you that I was right. Until Saturday night…

What I found in the back seat of my minivan was anything but Hot. Let’s start with what I found under the seat, shall we? It was sticky…it was brown…it had flecks of leaves and dirt stuck to it. What was that?!

From there I removed the kids car seats to find enough dried, crumbled food to feed a small pack of wild baboons. It was sealed into the lining of the seat fabric and had to be scraped out with my fingernail. *heave* Don’t even get me started on what I found in their seats.

But the piece de resitance came when I crawled into the way back and looked inside the cup holder. It is here that I gasped, looked at my husband and exclaimed, “Gross! This is why minivans are NOT. HOT.” Then I clutched my chest with the gravity of my statement and fell in dramatic Disney Princess fashion onto the seat, the back of my hand against my forehead…

No I didn’t. That last part didn’t happen – mostly because I wouldn’t want to lay on those seats for $100. Maybe for $1000, though.

In the cup holder sat dried, crusted, molded bread. It appears my children are stock piling food in the back seat of our minivan in the event that a giant meteor should come crashing down to earth and we need to seek shelter inside the car for a significant amount of time. It also appears that they have eaten portions of a sandwich and then shoved the remaining portion in the cup holder and have, every day for who knows how long, been looking at this rotting sandwich and ignoring it.

It’s like I’m raising little cave people!

I promptly dug out the rot and marched to the trash can. My husband, sensing my impending melt down went dashing for the Shop Vac in the basement. Being the super hero that he is, he spent the next half hour sucking the muck out of our minivan while I went inside and lectured my children on the importance of throwing away rotten food. I also tried to talk myself out of changing my blog title from Minivans Are Hot to Minivans Are A Place Where Horrors grow Beneathe the Seats and in the Cupholders While You Yourself Obliviously Drive From Here to There Thinking You Are Looking Fine When Really You Are Controlling a Moving Science Experiment.

But in typical Hero fashion, my man came inside just as I was certain that my entire online identity was going to have to be realtered and yelled “Ta-Da!” I walked outside to see the seats clean (hey look! The fabric’s grey…) The cup holders clean…er. They still have a sticky substance that I can only assume will need to be chisled out at some point (probably just before we decide to sell the car). And it smelled much more pleasant too. It was actually quite nice in there.

I smiled at him and jumped into his arms. Small birds flitted about our heads as he spun me around and when we kissed little animated hearts floated up into the dusky sky.

Alright…that last part didn’t happen either. Sometimes I wish I lived in a cartoon.

Despite the cleanliness of my car, however, I couldn’t shake the fact that I had outwardly acknowledged the un-hotness of my minivan. And so I’m here to retrain my mind. And if any of you are having a hard time believeing that Minivans Are Hot like I am, then why don’t you join in with me as we repeat the mantra over and over.

Minivans are hot, minivans are hot, minivans are hot, minivans are not, minivans are not…

NONONONONO!!!!

Let’s try again.

Minivans are hot, minivans are hot, minivans are hot…

Do you believe it?

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Lee, Minivans, Motherhood, Random Tagged With: Cleaning out the minivan, identity crisis, Minivans, Minivans Are Hot

Does this make my butt look big?

October 5, 2010 by Kelli

To all the men who read my blog…you know who you are. I just want you to know that I’m on to you. I’ve almost got you guys figured out. Oh yes I do. I have now birthed two beings of the male persuasion and raising them is giving me unique insight into all of you. Be very afraid.

My most recent insight come to me this morning in the form of my seven year old who has suddenly become very aware of what others think and how his peers perceive him. This is not something that surprised me, although it makes me sad that this awareness has creeped in so young.

This morning I laid out his clothes for him, as I do every morning that he lets me. Some mornings, when he’s feeling particularly ornery and independent he wakes up and dresses before I can get to him. Because it’s chilly out today, I made it a point to get to his clothes before him so that he would wear pants. Because the boy hates pants.

I laid out a pair of loose fitting cargo pants. They were a cotton material and I thought he would like them because they weren’t tight and they fit more like sport pants. I paired them with a Star Wars T-Shirt to sweeten the deal and prepared breakfast. Suddenly Sloan came stomping into the room.

“Mom, I am not wearing these pants,” he huffed.

“Why?” I asked, preparing my argument for why he could, indeed, not wear shorts when it’s 40 degrees outside.

“People will laugh at me,” he replied.

“Why would people laugh? Those pants are cool!”

“No, they’re not,” he moaned, slapping his hand to his forehead.

“Why are they not cool?” I said, stifling a laugh.

“Look at the back,” he said, turning around.

“What’s wrong with it?”

“It makes my butt look big in the mirror!” he wailed.

I let him change into jeans. Then he wanted to change into a tie dye shirt, “because that’s really cool.” I’m trying to win the war, folks…not the battle.

But this just proves that us girls are not the only ones checking out our butts in the mirror. You guys do it too. And you care. You care about image and how you look. This isn’t isolated to my kid, because my husband…he cares too. So does my brother. I’ve kind of been surrounded by the male species most of my life. You care. You check. You build outfits based on the perception of your butt.

Your secret’s out…

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Motherhood, Sloan Tagged With: boys and fashion, Kids, Kids are Funny, Kids do the darndest things, Men

I Said “A Boom Chicka Boom…”

September 12, 2010 by Kelli

This post has nothing to do with that title – I have just really wanted to title a post that for a long time now…

Actually, this post really has to do with nothing at all. You’re ripe with excitement to read further aren’t you?

Maybe I should do an entire post of one liners.

So there was this blogger who walked into a bar…

Nah.

We’re T – four days and counting until the big trip. I’ve had some freak out moments in the last few days, the biggest being when I realized that we might have to cut Hallstatt out of the itinerary. My Hallstatt. My preciousssssss.

I fretted and fraught (fraught?) and worried and moped. But it was a reality that we had planned way more than we could probably feasibly accomplish in our short time over there. And I really didn’t want to cut out Tuscany. Something had to go. Until…wait a minute. Maybe not.

What it boiled down to is this: We need to be flexible. We I need to be willing to cut out Hallstatt if it becomes apparent that there is just no way we’re going to make it all the way there and still have time to book it down to Tuscany. And so I still have hope, my friends. You see, the goal is to try and stay off of the AutoBahn (and Autostrada) as much as possible. We want to explore and get the flavor of the land. We want to round a curve and be looking down at a village nestled in the mountains. This means that it will take longer to travel. But it also means we’re going to have an adventure.

And if we miss Hallstatt, we’ll just have to go back, right? Deal!

Moving on…

See? More one liners. There is always room for one liners.

Too bad these aren’t the funny kind of one liners.

They’re kind of boring actually…

Ah well.

Sloan woke up with a low grade fever tonight. I gave him some Tylenol and piled him back in bed where I hope he’ll wake up fever free for school tomorrow…because I’m that mom. If you’re not dying, you’re going, kiddo.

We’ll see.

We will also be buying Emergen-C in bulk tomorrow. And Zinc. And Echinacea. I will not come down with a fever on my dream vacation. Oh, and to our parents who are splitting kid duty for the ten days while we are away: I’m so, so sorry. Here’s to hoping whatever Sloan has doesn’t spread. Or maybe he doesn’t have anything. Here’s to hoping that.

Speaking of Sloan – he and I had a duke it out, we-might-not-make-it homework session tonight. I won. Barely. We’re having this minor issue with child #1 in that every.single.time we bring him to the table to do homework, he brings along a massive chip on his shoulder. He is heaping with sass these days and it’s never more apparent than when he is under educational duress. It is especially evident when it comes time to do russian homework. Ay-yay-yay.

When it was all said and done and that which could have been completed in twenty minutes was finally finished after an hour of sweat and tears (no blood, thankfully) I felt defeated and dejected. Now that I know he is running a low grade fever I feel a little better, but the truth is – homework is often painful.

But, just before bed, Sloan grabbed my hand and led me back to our bedroom and sat me down on the bed. “We need to have a little talk,” he said.

“I had a bad attitude tonight and I was just angry and upset and sometimes russian is really hard and I feel like I can’t do it. But I didn’t act right. I wasn’t ‘quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry’ and I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

He did that on his own. Without any prompting.

My heart is still a little gooey. Of course I was quick to offer my forgiveness and apologize for my lack of patience. Amends were made and we agreed to work as a team to make homework more fun. It is moments like those that I truly, truly love being a parent. Sure it’s cool when they hit a home run or draw you a picture, but when they exhibit a heart attitude that you have worked so hard to help shape and mold? That is when parenting is most rewarding. Just when I felt like I was the worst mom ever and totally incapable of successfully parenting that boy, he reminded me that his sweet little heart is full of gold nuggets just waiting to be dug up and harvested.

Do you harvest gold? Did I just mix metaphors?

So yes…parenting is wicked hard. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I wouldn’t even trade it for Hallstatt, Austria.

I Said “A booma ticka rocka ticka rocka ticka boom!”

The End.

Post edit: Sloan woke up fever free this morning and he happily skipped to school (well, happily skipped onto the school bus anyway). Whoop!

Filed Under: Family, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Life, Motherhood, Random, Russian, School, Sickness, Sloan Tagged With: Hallstatt, Hallstatt Austria, Homework, Motherhood, parenting, Raising Kids, Random, Sloan, Working with Children

Today I plan to melt your hearts

September 8, 2010 by Kelli

Yesterday was Tia’s first day of preschool so it was only natural that I pull out my trusty magic camera and take 697 pictures before she left.

The results were glorious. She was cute, naturally. She can’t help but be cute. And Sloan was ever the charmer.

“Mom, you can take two pictures of me and that’s it. I don’t want any more.”

Right. I took a couple more than two. Don’t tell…

It is the shots of Landon, however, that will leave you with a toothache. This is due in part to the fact that his hair was so spectcular when he woke up that I had to wet it down and slick it to the side. Chubby cheeked cherub with slicked back hair?

Sweetness.

Combine that with a pair of pants that I found at a little shop in Orlando this summer – pants with suspenders – and you have a recipe for pure love. It also makes for some great pictures. So I present you my children. You’re welcome.

And, of course, the first day of school wouldn’t be the first day of school without a good old fashioned tree climb. In a dress…

And one more of Landon, because sweet mercy! That face is amazing. Don’t you just want to eat him up?

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Motherhood, School, Sloan, Tia

Ice Cream Surprise

August 16, 2010 by Kelli

*update – if you’re having trouble with the video constantly stopping and buffering, click on the numbers in the bottom right hand corner. I don’t know what they mean but if you click it it should change from 360p to 480p and then the video should play without stopping. At least that’s what worked for me. I think it has something to do with pixels, but I dunno really…

I got this idea from my friend Nicole a few months ago.

We put the kids to bed early last night. Sloan stomped and groaned and bemoaned the fact that the summer is over and school is starting and “why won’t you let me stay up and enjoy my last night of summer – WAAAAAAHHHH!” About five minutes after laying them down, we went into their room and flipped on the light (only to find them both sitting up in the same bed…so much for them actually going to bed) and told them we wanted to go get some ice cream.

“Would you like to come with us?” we asked.

Their reactions were priceless. And you can see them for yourself.

*a quick disclaimer: Lee got a little ahead of me and flipped the kids light on before I had the camera going so I missed a little bit of their reaction. Bummer.

I think my favorite part of the video is when Lee begins talking about third nipples (nubbin’s) and Sloan starts laughing so hard he almost wets his pants.

Welcome to crazy town. So glad you came. Leave your shoes at the door…or leave them on. Whatever. We talk about third nipples. You can do whatever you want.

Have I mentioned lately I love my family?

Yay for the Ice Cream Surprise!

And now I’m off to shower so I can take Sloan to school to meet his teacher. I’m taking my kid to meet his first grade teacher. I’m taking my child to his elementary school where he’s going to be spending the entire day at school. I’m having a panic attack while I think about taking my kid to see his first grade class.

I’m feeling old.

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Lee, Life, Motherhood, School Tagged With: Dairy Queen, Ice Cream Surprise, Kids, Kids and Ice Cream, Kids are Funny, Summer's End

The Photo Session

July 27, 2010 by Kelli

They’re so cute. Seriously – I’m not sure how it is that I bore such adorable children. But adorable they are.

See?

Oh wait, no…that’s not the right photo. Hang on…

That’s more like it…

Or how about this shot?

Wait, wait, wait…

That’s not the photo I was looking for.

Much better.

Okay…so the photo shoot didn’t go exactly as planned. I did, however, snap a couple of decent pictures of all three as well as a few individual shots. I also fed them pancakes (yes, I bribe my children into letting me take their picture. I’m not ashamed) and I let them hunt for seashells.

All this before 9 am.