Kids do the darndest things | Page 5

Good Morning to You

June 10, 2011 by Kelli

He crawled up in bed next to me and laid his head on my pillow. I rolled over, caught in that fuzzy state between dreams and reality. His soft cheek pressed up against mine, satiny skin dotted with freckles.

I wrapped my arm around him and pulled him close, breathing in deep the smell of little boy. Summer is in his hair – dirt, sunscreen and sweat. My eyes have yet to open but I feel his eyes on me, his breath smelling of apple juice. I squeeze him close and I hear his mouth stretch into a smile. His tiny little arm wraps around me and he returns the early morning squeeze.

Pure bliss.

“Good morning, buddy,” I say, finally forcing my heavy lids to part. He looks up at me with wide, crystal blue eyes and his tiny little bow tie mouth leans in for a kiss. It’s delicious and precious.

“I’m glad to see you,” I whisper in his ear. “How are you this morning?”

There is a quiet pause as his warm little body snuggles close to mine. Then he giggles – magic.

“I jus’ fawted.”

*sigh*

So how was your morning?

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Life Tagged With: Funny things kids say, Life, little boys, Motherhood

One more year

June 6, 2011 by Kelli

I am officially one more year older as of Saturday. I am 29.

Stop laughing.

I have to tell my children that because the two youngest can’t say their “Th” sound, which means “Th” sounds like “F” so when they say my age they place me well into a decade that I’m not prepared to enter.

When I was a 19 year old college girl, I began dating a boy who was, at the time, a senior. One night as we sat in his apartment, I asked him how old he was. “23,” he replied. And I almost had a heart attack because OMG 23 was so old.

One year after marrying my husband, we headed over to the home of a couple who was one life phase ahead of us. They had three young kids, a big house and were everything we thought we wanted to be. It was my birthday. “How old are you today?” they asked.

“23,” I replied. And they laughed. “Do you remember 23, babe?” she asked her husband.

“Barely,” he replied and I laughed along with them but for a different reason because OMG 23 felt so old.

Shortly thereafter I began having children. And I waddled around, 25 and knocked up. Feeling so old. Despite the fact, however, that I looked to be no older than a teenager in a very precarious position.

Then I hit 29 (where I have remained) and I finally felt at peace with my age. When you have three children and you’re under thirty, you tend to get a look or two. It’s a look of pity and wonderment. Three kids already, huh? I got asked more than once. So 29 felt right…it felt good.

So I stopped there. Mentally, anyway. The truth is, I’m only in my early thirties. I’m two whole years away from my mid-thirties so there’s really no need to acknowledge the thirties at all, in my opinion.

And there sure as heck isn’t any reason to tell my kids my age. Because if I do, then whenever they’re asked how old mommy is, their reply will be, “Mommy if fowty-fwee.”

And h@#^ no I’m not. I’m nowhere near the 4-number. I can’t be because OMG forty is so old.

Stop laughing.

Obviously, age is just a number and it’s all relative. Forty really isn’t that old, but in my mind, it seems old. I remember my parents turning forty, for cryin’ out loud. But whatever. The older you get, the younger old looks…right, Dad?

But I’m a long way from the 4 number so there’s no need to worry about that anyway. Moving on…

So the number may not be my favorite thing but, I have to say, that in my 29-ish years of life the greatest accomplishment I’ve had by far are these three:

I still feel like that little 19 year old girl floating on the cloud of youth (just the fact that I am compelled to refer to anyone under the age of 25 as “little” or “kid” is evidence of my age…) but I will gladly grow older because each year brings new joys, new blessings and the chance to watch those sweet kids grow.

I’ll take that in exchange for a few new wrinkles. But just a few!

Just please, don’t ask them to say my real age until we’ve had a little time to work with a speech therapist. Deal?

Stop. Laughing!

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids do the darndest things, Life, Motherhood, Random, things I don't need to hear Tagged With: birthdays, growing older, Motherhood

Happy Birthday, Mom

May 17, 2011 by Kelli

So this video isn’t nearly as cool as I wanted it to be. But as we all learned yesterday, I’m not really that cool anyway, so this actually fits quite well.

Today is my awesome Mom’s birthday and she’s half way across the world. I so wanted to fly to England and surprise her for her birthday, but alas, it wasn’t to be. Instead I had the kids write down 60 reasons why they love their Byshka (short for Babyshka – Grandmother in Russian). And here they are, all 60 reasons.

Unfortunately you can’t understand a word Landon says due to his lisp and inability to say several letters but he’s painfully cute so it doesn’t matter.

(A small disclaimer: I promise I bathe my kids, although in this video they are visibly dirty. The bruise on Tia’s chin is the result of an unfortunate run in with a parked car as she sped down the hill on her bike. We’re still working on riding without training wheels. The mark on Landon’s nose is the result of me not clipping his nails soon enough. I have no idea what’s on Sloan’s face. Carry on…)

Mom, I love you and I hope you’re having a grand time in London today. We’re sending kisses from across the pond. I think we’ll even pick up a little birthday cake and eat it in your honor today. So thanks for having a birthday – it gives us an excuse to splurge on a cake. And cake is good.

Love you and see you in a few weeks!!!

Filed Under: Family, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Motherhood, Sloan, Tia Tagged With: Kids, Mom, video

Meet George, George, George, George…

May 13, 2011 by Kelli

Sloan brought home “pets” yesterday. Tadpoles. Fifty of them…at minimum!

He fished them out of the neighbor’s algae-ridden pool. Naturally.

More than half of them did not survive the night. Much to my relief. The rest are, today, munching on lettuce and I’m headed out in a bit to buy distilled water so they can have a clean, healthy environment per Google’s recommendation.

“Have you named them?” Lee asked.

“Yeah. One of them is George,” Sloan replied.

“Which one?”

“Um…that one. No. That one. Wait! Um…that one. I don’t know, really…”

“Soon we’ll have a whole family of frogs! We can build them a pond in the back yard! Aaawwwesoooome.”

Has anyone ever tried frog legs? I hear they’re delicious…

Filed Under: Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Sloan Tagged With: frog legs, frogs, Kids, Motherhood, raising tadpoles

Handstands in Heaven

April 26, 2011 by Kelli

Alternately titled: Car Ride of Random

We were heading home from Russian school, altogether as a family (in our smokin’ hot minivan that we now officially own, no less. HAWT!). It was raining. Again. We were tired and a little hungry since I failed in my mom duties and forgot to pack us dinners to go. But we were together as a family and that made everything a little bit better.

“Hey Mom,” Sloan piped up. “Why do girls always pick on me and bully me?”

“Probably because they like you,” I replied. I know the girls in question and I’m not entirely sure that’s why they’re picking on him. I think they’re just ornery, but I felt compelled to give the standard issue Mom answer as clearly directed in Article 16, Section C of the Mom’s Bylaws for Dealing with Difficult Questions.

Lee turned around and grinned at Sloan. “Told ya,” he said. It’s the standard issue answer for Dad’s as well, apparently.

“But why do they like me?” he asked.

“Because you’re cute and you’re smart and funny. Why wouldn’t they like you?” I answered.

“Hey Mom,” Tia yelled from the back seat. It was raining hard, we had to yell. “When I go to school and I wike some boys, I’m donna bully dem, okay?”

*This is the part where I desperately thumb through the Bylaws. There are no instructions. No INSTRUCTIONS!*

“No, you shouldn’t pick on boys,” Lee answered quickly.

“Why?” Tia asked. “You said dats what girls do when dey wike boys.”

DARN THOSE STANDARD ISSUE ANSWERS!

“Just don’t pick on boys. Treat others the way you want to be treated.”

WAM! The Golden Rule. Works every time…

“Hey Mom,” Tia yells again.

“Yes.”

“Can we do handstands in heaven?”

Laughter ensues, but then I look in the rearview mirror and see a very serious face. She wants an answer.

“Well, I don’t see why not,” I say.

“I think you’ll be able to do all the gymnastics you want in heaven,” Lee answered.

“Hey Mom, LOOK!” Landon screeches from his seat.

“What?!”

“I saw a kangaroo back dere by da road.”

“You saw a kangaroo?!”

“Yeah! Turn around. Mom, turn around,” he’s quite serious.

Lee looks back at him. “Did you see a kangaroo back there buddy?”

“Yeah!” He cries.

“Was it a real kangaroo?” Sloan asks craning his neck.

“No. It was pwetend. It was a pwetend one, Dad.”

And then we were home.

Who says riding in the car is boring?

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Lee, Minivans, Motherhood, Russian, Sloan, Tia Tagged With: driving in the minivan, kids say the darndest things, Life

Because they’re funny, that’s why

April 4, 2011 by Kelli

I heard a comment recently from someone who claimed to love reading “Mommy blogs” but hated when bloggers went on and on about their kids.

Um…I don’t think you like reading “Mommy Blogs” then. (Not a fan of the “Mommy Blog” term…couldja tell?) That’s like me saying I like fish but don’t like when it tastes fishy. Riiight. Let’s just call a spade a spade. I don’t like fish. Unless it’s thickly breaded and double dipped in a vat of oil then served with a side of ketchup.

That’s my kind of fish.

When I first heard this statement I found myself a little self conscious. I mean, I talk about my kids all the blasted time here. What if I’m boring people? Because let’s face it, I can say that I’m only blogging to keep a record of the cute and funny things they do until I’m blue in the face, but we all know I want you to like me.

And I want to remember the cute and funny things they do so I can look back ten years later and smile…and humiliate them. It’s a scrapbook that yields sweet revenge.

I’m only half way kidding.

So here it is: I am a blogger who happens to be a mom. Write what you know, correct? Well right now, I know Mom-ing. (I could have written I know Motherhood but turning “Mom” into a verb sounded like more fun.) So I’m going to write about Mom-ing, and all the other stuff that interests me that doesn’t involve my kids. Which isn’t a lot because I’m kind of in the trenches of this Mom thing.

So today I’m writing about my kids, because dang it my kids are funny. Maybe they’re only funny to me and their grandparents, but I don’t care. This post might seem a little fishy, but I’ll try and deep fry something for you another day, okay? Just indulge me, if you could be so kind. Tomorrow I’ll write about something more riveting…like my house. You’re on the edge of your seat – I just know it!

Lee left yesterday for a two week training in New Jersey. Before the kids and I headed off to church, he buckled everyone in and doled out last minutes hugs and kisses. He and Sloan managed to squeeze in an early round of basketball before we left. I’m sure the neighbors were thrilled.

As Lee leaned in to kiss Sloan, my tender hearted man-child teared up a bit. Lee smiled and touseled his hair and Sloan grinned, shaking his head.

“I’m not crying,” he said, all macho-like. “My eyes are just sweating.”

My eyes are sweating a bit as I type this. Happens to the best of us…

Sloan continued. “Hey Dad, will you get us a present when you go to New York?”

“Sure,” Lee said. I think his eyes were a little sweaty too. “What do you want me to get you?”

“A girlfriend,” Sloan replied without missing a beat. Aaaaand it comes back around. I guess he thought he’d see if his dad would indulge his apparent need for a girlfriend since I told him a couple of weeks ago that No, I would not get him a girlfriend for his eighth birthday. After sharing this I launched into a very sweet, deep and meaningful conversation with him about how God has already picked out and planned a wife for him someday and he doesn’t need to worry about dating right now.

Clearly my words had an impact.

Not to be outdone, Tia piped up from the backseat as we headed down the road to church. “Hey Mom? How old do I have to be to get mawwied?”

“Old enough to be able to say your ‘R’s,” I replied…

No, I didn’t. I actually told her it would be a long time and she didn’t need to start thinking about that now.

“Well, I fink I should be 29 when I get mawwied. Will I be a mom before I get mawwied?”

“Nope,” I said. “You gotta get married first to be a mom.” Yes, I know that’s not necessarily true, but she’s five and we’re keeping it simple. She doesn’t need an explanation on when and how one can or should become a mom.

Tia has actually popped out a couple of funny one-liner’s lately. I forgot how funny five year old’s can be. When we ate lunch one day in Florida, I handed Sloan a ham sandwich.

“Does that have Man Eyes on it?” Tia asked. She meant Mayonaise. And just like that, our family now has a new catch word. We will forever call Mayonaise “Man Eyes.”

And then there’s Landon – the family clown, the kid who’s always good for a laugh, the boy with expressive eyes and a personality that far outweighs his tiny little bird frame. He walks through the house daily singing the songs from High School Musical 3. He sings them completely wrong, but that’s what makes it so fun. My favorite goes like this:

I don’t know where to go, Whatsa right fing. I want my oh dwee so Battleforce Strange.

If you know what song I’m talking about, you know why that’s cute and funny. It also means that you, like me, know way too much about High School Musical 3.

It’s those little conversations that make me laugh out loud that give me reason to blog about my kids. Well, that and the humiliation thing.

I’m kidding…sort of.

Filed Under: Blogging, Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Motherhood, Sloan, Tia Tagged With: Blogging, HSM3, Kids, kids say the darndest things, Motherhood

Emphasis on Spring

March 21, 2011 by Kelli

Perfect weather is a beautiful thing…

And this last photo just to make you laugh out loud. I freaking love this kid…

Tomorrow? The Beach!

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things Tagged With: I love spring, Kids, Outside, Photos, Spring Break

Not My Finest Moment

March 17, 2011 by Kelli

His face was pock marked, the divets in his cheeks glinting in the moonlight. He wore skinny jeans before skinny jeans were in and his dark windbreaker hung loosely on his gaunt frame. His frizzy hair was cut into a mullet after mullets were in style.

Were mullets ever in style?

He sauntered up to us and we froze. The still night air thickened and for the first time we questioned our decision for coming out. It was 1:00 am and our group was comprised of eighteen year olds, all of us wearing our newfound freedom like a superpower.

We were in college, man. Why wouldn’t we go out at 1:00 am?

We were standing right in the middle of a field where history and tragedy had met only three years earlier. Where crazy met the FBI. We were standing on David Koresh’s burned down Branch Davidian compound, a group of 8 or 9 college freshman who decided at the last minute to tour the compound…in the middle of the freaking night.

As we walked through what was mostly an overgrown field we saw him walking toward us and we froze. “What the BEEP are you kids doing out here?” he asked, the butt of the cigarette stuck between his lips dancing in the dark like a firefly.

We didn’t answer because we didn’t have a good answer. What the BEEP were we doing out there?

Finally someone spoke. “What are you doing out here?” he inquired.

“Aw, I was a reporter when everything went down here a few years ago.” And that’s it. That was his explanation for visiting this site of horror at 1:00 am. His reason was worse than ours.

“C’mon,” he offered, puffing smoke into the already thick Waco air, “I’ll show you around.” And with that we followed him. Why didn’t we decline and turn away? I don’t know. Why were we there in the first place?

For the next 30-45 minutes we were taken on a fascinating tour of David Koresh’s compound complete with the most colorful tour guide I’ve ever known. His name was Michael. I don’t think he was a reporter. My first clue was when he took us to what looked like a fox hole in the ground and regaled us with tales of David himself hiding there. He showed us bullet holes in the back of a burned out bus and told us about the children and wives hiding throughout the compound.

He knew more than what an average news reporter should have known. And suddenly I knew more than an average eighteen year old should have known.

There were a couple of voices of reason who were persistently trying to convince us to leave. Girls who were uncomfortable with this man’s in depth knowledge and offensive language. Maybe we should have listened to their reasoning and left, but the rest of us were so intrigued that we squelched wisdom and followed curiosity.

We all know what happened to the cat who did the same, right?

At one point, one of these voices of reason spoke up as Michael set forth an obsenity filled rant on what went down on the land on which we stood.

“Um, sir?” she said, her voice small but defiant. “Could you please watch your language? I find it very offensive.”

Insert very awkward pause.

And on we went, Michael not toning down his color and no one else daring to say another word. Finally we were back where we started and we stood huddled together, a group of foolish youth who had just had an unexpected adventure.

“It would probably be best if you kids didn’t come out here in the middle of the night again,” Michael said. “Sometimes people come out here to defend the land and the people in the house over there have guns.”

He gestured to a house a few meters from the property. For the first time it dawned on me that maybe we weren’t even supposed to be here in the middle of the night. I do believe we all suffered from freshman brain – you know where common sense flees for a period of time and that which once seemed crazy now seemed perfectly normal.

We nodded, thanked him for showing us around and quickly drove back to the Baylor campus, all of us talking a mile a minute. Was he really a reporter? Was he a Branch Davidian? How did he know all of that?

I never visited Koresh’s compound again. I’ve never seen it in the daylight. I’ve heard that they have since built a museum on the grounds and that it is better protected than it was back then.

But I saw all I needed to see that sticky Texas night. It was night that I can honestly say was not one of my finest life moments…

But what an adventure, huh?!

Filed Under: blast from the past, funny stuff that happens, Kids do the darndest things, Life, Random, things I don't need to hear Tagged With: Branch Davidians, David Koresh, things you shouldn't do

The one with the bags under my eyes

March 9, 2011 by Kelli

The clock read 4:32 am.

“Moooooommmmmyyyyyy,” came the pitiful cry. I quickly got up and went to Tia’s room. She is my sleeper. She is the child who could sleep through any illness, the one who once vomited then went back to sleep in it.

Gross.

So when she cries out in the middle of the night, there’s usually a good reason for it. Usually.

“What’s wrong,” I asked, kneeling by her bed. Her eyes were closed. She was asleep. Like a cruel joke she roused me from my bed then fell back into a deep slumber. I stumbled back to bed.

The clock read 4:36 and I felt the heat of little eyes staring at me from the bedside. “Tia, what’s wrong, honey?” I mumbled.

“I had a bad dream about tornados,” she wimpered. We can all thank her big brother for that phobia. I got up and walked her back to her room and put her back in bed. “Think about happy things,” I told her. “Think of the beach and ice cream and gymnastics.”

I fell back into my bed a minute later.

The clock read 4:40.

“Moooom?” Her call floated down the hallway like bad alarm that won’t go off. I waited. Maybe she would think I was asleep and she’d give up. All rationality had left my weary body at that point. “Moooom?”

I sat up and hissed, “Tia, hush!”

A few minutes later. “Moooom?” With less sympathy and a modicum more frustration, I flung the covers off my body and briskly walked to her room.

“Tia! What?!”

“I sneezed,” she said, her tiny face peeking out from under the mountain of blankets.

I did not respond. I held onto my own advice of When you don’t have something nice to say, Ssshhh! Say nothing.

That was two nights ago. Last night the same situation played itself out only she complained of leg and head pain (I believe she’s growing) and she woke up crying because she had a nightmare that Sloan was scratching her.

So if you run into me today and notice the bags under my eyes, or think you can make out Route 66 in the red lines criss crossing my eyeballs, now you’ll know why. I have slept all night in more than two weeks.

T-Minus 13 days until we leave for Florida. I may not sleep anymore down there, but at least I’ll get a little tan to mask the bags. That’s my happy dream…

Filed Under: Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Motherhood, things I don't need to hear, Tia Tagged With: kids sleeping through the night, Mom fatigue, Motherhood