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Swirling life in a cup of tea

October 4, 2011 by Kelli

When I made this decision, I knew it wouldn’t be easy. Staying at home with your children full time is hard. It’s a different kind of hard when you choose to not only be their mother, but also their full time educator. I knew it would be hard going into this.

And I was right.

Evenings are my refuge and my respite. They are the brief moments when all the world stills and my tea cup sings (or…you know…sometimes it’s a wine glass singin’). Evenings are for the dishwasher humming and the stars twinkling and the melodic breathing of settled youth. I only wish the evening lasted a little longer.

I’ve tried to make evening last too long, lately. I’ve tried stretching it past the point of grace and peace and into fatigue. When the tea cup cools and the dishwasher quiets and my brain forgets how to weave words into paragraphs, the evening has long since passed.

This is not wise.

Because, you see, mornings come all too quickly. They are loud and bright and full of boisterous energy. There once was a time when I was a morning person. I adored the quiet sounds of the day breaking – the applause of heaven as sunlight streaked the darkened sky – the grass that stood tall beneath the drops of dew delicately placed on her blades – the birds that chirped good morning as the heat pushed the cool night air away with the moon.

I loved this time of day.

I still do. I just can’t seem to get up early enough to meet it. This is because I’m too busy flirting with night. And because I spawned three who love the morning more than I and who make it their life’s mission to get up before the sun each. and every. day.

So I continue to befriend the night sky – my tea and I snuggled up inside the quiet. And it’s here that I am trying to find the time to do…everything.

Everything, unfortunately, except the most important thing. The thing that really does need to have its place in the morning, when my mind is most fresh and most willing to hear. There are pictures to hang and walls to paint, books to write and boxes to move, clothes to fold and floors to mop, and all the while three little voices yelling, “Mom!”

There’s a story that my mom tells about my grandmother when she was a young mother living on the mission field with four little ones to care for and more work to do than could possibly be done. When the moment came that she had finally reached her breaking point, she would turn to her demanding little brood and wag her finger. “My name isn’t ‘Mom’ anymore,” she’d say. “My name is ‘Horse’s Butt’ and you’re not aloud to say that so you can’t call me.” And off she’d go, her silenced bunch contemplating the weight of her words.

That is the best. line. ever. Am I right?

I totally get it now. And don’t think I haven’t been tempted to bust that gem out a time or two these last few weeks.

Sometimes all the work needs to wait.

I have a friend who knows me well. She’s one of the Ribbons. And she was knit with me in a special way long ago when we were both newly married and full of love and wonder at God and life. Her mind, like mine, teams with creative energy. Her heart overflows with endless desires. Her children need her fully and her husband craves her attention, as do mine. She knows the pull and the strain of wanting, wishing, trying…to do it all.

And failing.

We are on opposite coasts and yet she still manages to speak Truth and encouragement to me on a regular basis. Through texts, emails and phone calls she reminds me that there is One who craves me above all others. And that One deserves my attention first.

Her text to me today spoke grace completely:

“Take courage today and do the work God has laid before you…What does God desire from you in your heart and in your actions today? Just a thought.”

Swirling hot tea steams before me and my Bible lays open, the magic of the Word waiting for me to dive in. Tonight, I will. Tomorrow, I will try again. I’m thankful for friends from coast to coast who love me enough to keep pushing me forward to better things.

I’m thankful for the Ribbons and for the Ribbon Maker who keeps weaving my life into something grand. I’m thankful for tea and the stillness in which to savor it.

Grant me the ears to hear.

Filed Under: faith, Family, Kids, Life, Motherhood, Moving Tagged With: faith, FRIENDS, Homeschooling, Life, Motherhood

Me them then…or is it them me now?

September 15, 2011 by Kelli

I engaged in a bit of retail therapy yesterday. After a day on the battleground called motherhood, I escaped for a few hours into the Mecca of all home furnishing stores. Did you know the power that four simple little letters can wield?

IKEA.

Say it slow. Let it roll off the tongue.

I-K-E-A.

I rolled a cart through the golden aisles, little fairies giggling and blowing pixie dust on me as I danced past. When I entered the showroom, a beam of light appeared from nowhere casting an ethereal glow across the cheap, yet terribly stylish, furnishings.

I actually think walking through there made a few of my wrinkles disappear.

I found something I loved in every room. I bought Christmas presents for Tia and resisted the urge to grab the arm of the woman in yellow beside me and shake it in excited glee. Oh the organizational wonderment to behold!

I ate Swedish meatballs in the silence of my reverie, all while visually digesting the wonderment that stood before me. It was like being at the spa, only no strangers were touching me and it didn’t require the sacrifice of my first born to afford it.

I left with a few treasures in my basket and a considerable amount of satisfaction at how much I got for the amount. I piled my treasures in the back of my (smokin’ hot) minivan and off we drive toward the glowing orange orb in the sky.

It was as beautiful an evening as one 30-something could possibly experience.

As I made my way down the road, I slowed to a stop at a red light (always a good idea). I glanced in my side mirror to see a truck in the lane to my left stopping next to the car that was directly behind me. Inside the rusted truck were two girls who didn’t look old enough to be wearing makeup, much less operating a vehicle. They motioned wildly at the older gentleman in the car next to them so he rolled down his window.

“Hey there, Grandpa,” the girl in the passenger seat yelled, smacking her gum with the force of a perturbed cow. “You’re pretty cute.” Head thrown back. *giggle, giggle, giggle*

The poor old man shook his head and rolled his window back up. The girls drove forward and pulled up alongside me. I had my window down and the radio blasted all the current Christian hits of today. I bobbed my head up and down to the beat and drummed my fingers on the side of the car. I rarely drive with the windows down these days, but last night was so perfect I couldn’t resist.

Giggle tweeny bopper looked my way and I tried to ignore.

“Hey,” she called, still giggling uncontrollably. It was the silly giggle that reveals complete and total immaturity. I turned her way and smiled.

“Hey,” I said back with a grin. “How are you guys doing tonight?”

The driver laughed. I briefly contemplated asking her to give me proof that she was indeed old enough to drive. “We are, like, so. great.” She said. Her words were emphasized with two smacks of her Hubba Bubba. Whoa…they were doing great.

“So what are you up to?” Giggly asked. And just then the light turned green and the line of cars began to slowly move. I waved as the Silly Mobile pulled forward with a squeal – was it the tires or the girls?

And then I laughed. It was the knowing laugh that completely solidifies you as a full blown grown up.

The total lack of respect for others aside, those girls reminded me a little bit of myself. I remembered the day that my best friend Lindsey and I, also both barely legal to drive, made the trek from our house to a friend’s out in the sticks of St. Louis. We had the windows down and our music blaring and we hung our heads and arms out the windows laughing uncontrollably and altogether reveling in our youth.

Life was a joyride. It was a wind in your hair, laugh at the world adventure. We were silly and crazy and completely free of the responsibility of adulthood. There weren’t children or husbands or mortgages or bills.

I can honestly say that at that moment in my life, the very last thing I wanted to spend my hard earned money on was a kitchen scrub brush and a watering can.

Home furnishings weren’t exciting. Freedom was exciting. The wind whipping by as we headed to the Lake was exciting. Life was a grand adventure just at the tip of our fingers. And as those girls peeled out, shrieking with laughter at…um, nothing…I shook my head. They are me back then.

And as I glanced at the IKEA bag glimmering in the evening sun next to me, I let out another laugh. I am them now…or not long from now. The wind still whips through my hair and my music is still loud. Only, more often than not, the music is sung by talking vegetables and my minivan is loaded with practical things like kitchen scrub brushes and watering cans…and place mats. Really, really cute place mats.

Life is still an adventure, isn’t it? I think it might even be a little more grand.

Someday those silly little girls will understand.

Filed Under: Florida, funny stuff that happens, Life, Minivans, Motherhood, Random Tagged With: Growing up, IKEA, Life, Youth

The eyes to see

September 5, 2011 by Kelli

Like a petal dancing on the wind, the theme of Grace has been floating across the internet this past year. Everywhere you look, people are seeing it, feeling it and living it.

Grace.

Grace is not a movement. Grace has simply always been. Grace hasn’t changed or altered or moved. Grace has been dancing for us for all of eternity – we just haven’t always seen it. But it isn’t fair for me to speak of you, for perhaps you have seen it. Perhaps only I have missed it.

Grace.

In the past two months, our life has changed drastically. The known has been replaced with the unknown and the comforts of predictability have been stripped away. Filled with fear and doubt, we’ve moved forward with faltering steps, our eyes truly open for the first time.

Grace.

It’s always been there, just waiting for me to see it. A sunrise over the dark waters, bursting forth the light of day. Grace. A palm tree swaying and bending in the stormy winds, a sign of water coming to renew the ground. Grace. A bird singing, a lizard racing and the pealed laughter of children with eyes wide to Grace. All these things were here.

And I can finally see.

Ann’s book opened my eyes. Her blog moves my heart. And I looked, not only in nature, but at man – God’s most glorious creation. Grace.

I sat on the plane last week, my head and my ears tight. The cabin pressure left me with a headache and I could never quite get my ears cleared. As we descended, the man across the aisle leaned over. “Would you like a piece of gum?” he asked, a kind and understanding smile on his face. I accepted gratefully.

Grace.

Standing up to deplane, I watched the man in front of me help an elderly woman with her bag. He pulled it down and as she reached for it, he shook his head. “I’ll get it off the plane for you, ma’am,” he said.

Grace.

Life is full of Grace…when you’re watching for it. And in the looking, another miracle takes place. Life slows down. As a mother, this is the greatest miracle of all. Because the passing of time takes with it the sweetness of youth. Newborn cries turn into toddler giggles turn into the lengthening of limbs and deepening sounds of a growing man’s voice. And it all happens in a blink.

But when you’re looking for Grace, the moments last a little longer. The sticky arms flung around your neck hold on tighter. The giggles ring a little louder. The wet kisses are a little sweeter. Life is grander.

Grace.

How are you seeing Grace these days?

Filed Under: books, faith, Family, Florida, Kids, Life, Motherhood Tagged With: All's Grace, Ann Voskamp, faith, Life, Love

What was important is now a necessity

August 7, 2011 by Kelli

Three weeks ago Landon wouldn’t put his face under water without a good deal of weeping and gnashing of teeth. If water splashed even in the vicinity of his eyes, he wailed and stumbled around blindly until he was given a towel to wipe away the unwelcome and foreign liquid from his face.

Then one day he decided he wasn’t scared anymore. And now I’m the one who is terrified. Because my cautious baby with a healthy respect for the water has turned into this:

While in the ocean, he is required to leave his swim vest on. As soon as we enter the pool, though, the vest comes off and he is ninety to nothin’, balls to the walls, kamikaze, I’m-gonna-cause-Mama-to-gray-early scary. Twice we’ve had to tell him not to do front flips off the side. To which he replies with wide eyes, “Why, Mom? It’s so fun!”

This is why, starting tomorrow, he will be in swim lessons every day for the next two weeks. Fun for him, peace of mind for me – everybody wins. I knew swim lessons were going to be important when we moved to Florida. Now, however, they have become a necessity.

While the other two were brave in the water, neither were this…um…terrifying. Here they all are (with my cousin Leslie’s little boy) jumping off the back of the boat together:

You’ll notice the older three are all wearing masks to prevent salt water up the nose. Not Landon. Nope. Salt water doesn’t phase him a bit. That kid’s gonna have the cleanest sinuses on the block.

He’s a brave one, my little guy. I have no idea where he gets it from:

What about you? Do you have a child who is aging you early?

Filed Under: Family, Florida, funny stuff that happens, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, summer fun Tagged With: Children swimming, Landon, Life, mama's going crazy, Safety

July

July 18, 2011 by Kelli

July, 2000 – Lee and I tie the knot

July, 2001 – We go to the Bahamas for our first anniversary

July, 2002 – We move from Dallas, Texas to St. Louis, Missouri

July, 2003 – We have our first child. And move into our first house. All in the same week

July, 2005 – We find out we’re pregnant with baby number two

July, 2007 – I am finally able to come off of bed rest after a month due to almost losing child number three

July, 2010 – Lee and I celebrate ten years of marriage

July, 2011 – We move from St. Louis, Missouri to Tampa, Florida

Apparently big things happen to us in July…

Filed Under: Family, Life Tagged With: Life, moving, Stuff that happens

Time Capsule

June 29, 2011 by Kelli

An empty shell

Each room echoing with memory

Laughter, love, a haven

More than bricks and mortar

Each room a time capsule of life lived

Blessings fulfilled

We said goodbye and now we decompress

New memories await us.

Right now, though…

Wine awaits me.

Filed Under: Family, Kids, Life, Random, summer fun Tagged With: Change, I'm a sap, Life, moving

Good Morning to You

June 10, 2011 by Kelli

He crawled up in bed next to me and laid his head on my pillow. I rolled over, caught in that fuzzy state between dreams and reality. His soft cheek pressed up against mine, satiny skin dotted with freckles.

I wrapped my arm around him and pulled him close, breathing in deep the smell of little boy. Summer is in his hair – dirt, sunscreen and sweat. My eyes have yet to open but I feel his eyes on me, his breath smelling of apple juice. I squeeze him close and I hear his mouth stretch into a smile. His tiny little arm wraps around me and he returns the early morning squeeze.

Pure bliss.

“Good morning, buddy,” I say, finally forcing my heavy lids to part. He looks up at me with wide, crystal blue eyes and his tiny little bow tie mouth leans in for a kiss. It’s delicious and precious.

“I’m glad to see you,” I whisper in his ear. “How are you this morning?”

There is a quiet pause as his warm little body snuggles close to mine. Then he giggles – magic.

“I jus’ fawted.”

*sigh*

So how was your morning?

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Life Tagged With: Funny things kids say, Life, little boys, Motherhood

We’re Back

May 25, 2011 by Kelli

On Friday I picked Sloan up from school early. I took all three kids outside the building and finally let them in on a secret I’d been keeping quiet for two weeks.

We were going to Florida.

I have never had more fun. We will definately be doing more surprise trips in the future because their expressions were priceless and it was so fun to tell them we were hopping in the car and heading to the airport. I kept it a secret from them out of necessity because we were going down there to surprise my Mom when she landed in Tampa after being in England for forever. My Dad and I planned the trip several weeks ago and I knew that if I told the kids the surprise would be ruined.

So fun.

Mom was surprised and had no idea we would be there. The kids thought it was the greatest thing ever to jump out and say surprise when she got off the plane. It was just fun.

We soaked up every minute of fun while we were in Florida. We swam, spent hours at the beach, rode on the kayak and the boat, snorkeled, found sand dollars, watched the sunset and ate lots of M&M’s and ice cream. It was a great quick trip.

This was my first time flying alone with all three kids so I was a little nervous, but they did great. Sloan sat in a row by himself and talked the ear off the woman next to him. The only hiccup came when all three kids had to go to the bathroom at the same time and were all positive that they were going to wet their pants. The bathroom closest to us was occupied for a solid 20 minutes by a man two rows back (yeesh) so we finally trekked to the front of the plane only to be informed by the flight attendant that we all had to squeeze into the bathroom together because we weren’t allowed to wait in the hallway.

So we all squeezed into the bathroom together.

Adventure.

The people in the first few rows of the plane got quite the entertainment as they heard my kids squealing and screeching.

“Don’t touch me while I pee!”

“I don’t have space!”

“My pee won’t come out. Stop looking at me!”

“I can’t reach the toilet paper to wipe!”

“You’re too close, this is weird!”

All the while I’m taking deep breaths and trying not to panic because we all know I have an irrational fear of airplane bathrooms. I tried to think of happy things like puppy’s and butterfly’s so I could keep my mind off the vision of the four of us plummeting 35,000 feet to our deaths inside a cramped airplane outhouse…

Finally everyone managed to do their business and we exited the bathroom to applause.

Awesome.

We’re home now and it’s time to finish school and prepare the house for the inspections that are happening this week. I have pictures and video to share, but not today. Today I have to scrub floors and organize so that my house can be picked apart and scrutinized.

This is the part where I tell you I wish I was back at the beach…

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, summer fun Tagged With: beach, home inspections, Kids, Life, Random

The part where I really start to enjoy motherhood

May 16, 2011 by Kelli

I have a confession to make:

I haven’t always enjoyed motherhood.

The act of being a Mom came so naturally to me at first. When Sloan was born I was immediately comfortable with him. I wasn’t one of those neurotic moms who worried about every little cry. I didn’t care if people held him without washing their hands first and I didn’t freak out at every little cough or sneeze. I was laid back.

Except when it came to sleeping. I made that poor child take naps all the flipping time. Four naps a day for the first four months of his life, three naps a day for the next four and two naps a day until he was eighteen months old and he staged a morning nap coup resulting in me freaking out for a solid month before requiring he take a three hour nap every afternoon without possibility of negotiation until he turned four when he staged yet another coup and has refused to sleep since.

Okay I might have been a little neurotic.

I also required 12 hours of sleep per night and made sure bedtimes were rarely messed with. No wonder that child hates sleeping now.

Alright, alright – I was a lot neurotic.

But, neurosis aside, I was comfortable as a Mom. Babies are hard, but now that I’m on the other side of them I find myself snorting at how not hard babies really are. Am I confusing anyone yet?

The real work of motherhood starts when their reasoning ability kicks in. When you are no longer merely keeping them alive and sustaining them from day to day (or nap to nap in my case). Wait…you mean..I…have to…ya know…teach them? I have to raise them to be morally responsible, compassionate citizens of the world who contribute to society in a positive way?

*gulp*

I love being with my kids. I love doing the fun things with them. Going to the Zoo, playing at the park, going to the beach and the pool. I love to do the activity of life with my kids. But the day to day training that’s imperative to their development?

It hasn’t always been my favorite.

In fact, the day to day instruction has always been a bit daunting to me. The business of training them to be respectful and obedient. It’s hard! Give me a fussy newborn over an insolent toddler any day of the week. Can I get an Amen?

For those who know me well, you know I’m not what you might call a homebody. I don’t enjoy just being home. I like schedules and activity. I like to be on the go. I like to sprint through life. But guess what? It’s hard to sprint when there are three little ones whose legs aren’t as long as yours. My metaphor is getting a little rough, I know. Stay with me…

I’ve spent the better part of the last few months trying to slow down. I’ve cut out a few activities here and there and tried to pull back. I’ve tried to spend a little more time at home and when at home, I’ve tried to stop being so…busy all the time. I tend to equate down time with idleness. That’s not necessarily the case. Sometimes it’s good to sit and read a book to the kids in the middle of the day. It’s good for them and it’s good for me.

I’m finally beginning to enjoy the art of motherhood. The hard part. I’m even getting excited about it. I know, right? It’s about time. I’m looking forward to and excited about the process of training them. I look forward to praying for them and being with them. I’m so excited for this summer to just be.

I know it will be tiring and exhausting and hard. But I love the hard. I love the tiring. I’m learning to love the process. I’m learning to sit, to be still, to play Barbies, to have imaginary tea parties, to read books, to live every day life. I’m finally enjoying that part of motherhood a little more. Fewer schedules, more free time, more playtime. I’m slowing down my pace and finally giving my kids a chance to catch up.

This is a great place to be.

Filed Under: Life, Motherhood Tagged With: Kids, Life, Motherhood, slowing down

Handstands in Heaven

April 26, 2011 by Kelli

Alternately titled: Car Ride of Random

We were heading home from Russian school, altogether as a family (in our smokin’ hot minivan that we now officially own, no less. HAWT!). It was raining. Again. We were tired and a little hungry since I failed in my mom duties and forgot to pack us dinners to go. But we were together as a family and that made everything a little bit better.

“Hey Mom,” Sloan piped up. “Why do girls always pick on me and bully me?”

“Probably because they like you,” I replied. I know the girls in question and I’m not entirely sure that’s why they’re picking on him. I think they’re just ornery, but I felt compelled to give the standard issue Mom answer as clearly directed in Article 16, Section C of the Mom’s Bylaws for Dealing with Difficult Questions.

Lee turned around and grinned at Sloan. “Told ya,” he said. It’s the standard issue answer for Dad’s as well, apparently.

“But why do they like me?” he asked.

“Because you’re cute and you’re smart and funny. Why wouldn’t they like you?” I answered.

“Hey Mom,” Tia yelled from the back seat. It was raining hard, we had to yell. “When I go to school and I wike some boys, I’m donna bully dem, okay?”

*This is the part where I desperately thumb through the Bylaws. There are no instructions. No INSTRUCTIONS!*

“No, you shouldn’t pick on boys,” Lee answered quickly.

“Why?” Tia asked. “You said dats what girls do when dey wike boys.”

DARN THOSE STANDARD ISSUE ANSWERS!

“Just don’t pick on boys. Treat others the way you want to be treated.”

WAM! The Golden Rule. Works every time…

“Hey Mom,” Tia yells again.

“Yes.”