Sunsets with Friends

The doorbell rang and I answered, my four month old tucked snugly in the crook of my arm.

“Trick or Treat,” he cried, thrusting out his bag.  He was three, dressed as a Power Ranger…or something like that.  I pulled Sloan close and tossed some candy into the bag, his eager little face lit with joy.  Sloan was dressed as a lion.  Cruelly, I had even drawn whiskers on his chubby little infant face.

“Hi, I’m Carol,” she said reaching around the stroller to shake my hand.  I also shook her husband’s hand and cooed over their brand new baby girl.  We were fairly new to the neighborhood.  Having only moved in a week after Sloan was born, I had spent the first several months in first time parents survival mode.  I didn’t know many neighbors.

But here they were on my doorstep.  And over the next few years, our relationship deepened.  We borrowed sugar and eggs and carpooled to preschool.  We celebrated birthdays and mourned the loss of beloved pets.  We loved and lived and grew together.  We created memories in the cul de sac and a beautiful thing happened:

Our children developed lifelong friends.

Three months ago, Carol came over and sat with me on my back porch.  I forgot to mention one other shared love we had with these dear neighbors and friends:

Florida.

“So we’re really feeling like God is leading us to Florida,” she said.  And I stared back my mouth gaped open.  “Um…Lee is in Tampa right now interviewing for a job,” I told her.  They were words I hadn’t been able to utter to anyone else.

“We’re thinking about going to Tampa too,” she said with a smile.

Saturday night we sat together and watched our children play as we’ve done countless times over the last eight years.  Only this time…they were playing at the beach.  Mike and Carol moved into their house last week.  When it’s all said and done we will likely live within 15 minutes of one another.

One of the biggest surprises in this move has been the fear that crept in and pounced upon us like a lion in the night.  We weren’t prepared to confront the attack.  The questions that came up sent us into a tailspin.  Did we make the right choice?  Are we really supposed to be here?  What were we thinking?  Will life ever feel normal again?

The deepest sadness I felt was saying goodbye to the people who had known my children since the day they were born.  People who visited us in the hospital and watched our children grow from chubby babies to tall, lanky little people.  There is something special about having your children surrounded by people who have known them from day one.  And I mourned the loss of that.  Our move here felt like the end of such a blessing.

Why do I worry?  Why do I fear?

This weekend, God gave us what can only be described as a miracle.  We had a perfect sunset in the place that is to be our new home with comforts from our old home.  By our side were people who had known our children from infancy.  They’ve watched our children grow and we have watched theirs.  And our hearts rejoiced as all those questions melted into the ocean with the sun.  Rays of hope splayed across the sky.

As daylight faded into darkness and the past faded into tomorrow, I once again heard the whispers. “I was here before you and I will remain.  The path is laid out before you and blessings abound.”

And we did count our blessings that night.  They were wrapped in the rhythmic waves of the ocean, full of giggles.  Friends from afar brought near.  Love poured forth.  Peace beyond what we can understand.  Grace and mercy in the sand – dancing in the moonlight.

A lifetime of memories still to be made.

Anybody else want to join us?

 

Signs

We rolled into Florida today, my smokin’ hot minivan dragging a bit under the weight of all the life shoved inside.  It has been an emotional roller coaster, this trip into town.  Of course any move is fraught with emotion.  Change hurts.  It’s hard.  Tears must be shed in order to cleanse the soul of the fire that rages in your heart.

As we talked today on our second day of driving, we discussed the Why. Why did we make this move?  What purpose did God have in picking our family up out of everything comfortable and placing us smack dab in the middle of the unknown.  For all practical purposes, this is our wilderness.  Albeit a wilderness with a beach (the best kind), but nonetheless this is our journey.

Why are we here?

Suddenly the reasons for the move become clouded beneath the emotion.  Did we make the right choice?  Was this really the path we were supposed to take?  Did we somehow misread the signs?  Were we instead chasing our own desires, or own passions?

Why?

While at my in-laws this past weekend, we had the blessing of soaking in their wisdom for several days straight.  One thing my father-in-law (one of the three wisest men in my life, my dad and my husband rounding out the trio) said to us has really stuck with me.

“What makes you think,” he said in his thick Arkansas drawl, “that you had anything at all to do with this decision?  It was God who moved you in this direction.  Don’t forget that God is in full control.  When you are seeking Him, you’re not going to make a mistake.”

What freedom that gave us.  And what a wonderful lesson on which to dwell.  Who are we to question the will of God?  There were times when doubt caused us to wonder if, perhaps, we should scrap the plan all together – flee back to St. Louis.  It’s peaceful there, simple.  We know it.  We know what we can and need to do there to stay comfortable.

But then what?  Comfort is boring.  As we drove today, the Cyprus and Palm trees buzzing by our windows, I held a book in my lap.  “Reading the same page of a book over and over is boring,” I told Lee.  “You have to turn the page to see what’s going to happen next in the story.”

We turned the page when we left St. Louis.  Not that staying there would have meant our story stagnated, but ignoring God’s call and being unwilling to face something new would have been extremely boring.  To live life wondering “what if we had?” would be a terrible burden to bear.  And even on our trip, the Lord gave us little signs that we are on the right path – we are continuing our story.

Lee was given the opportunity to fly up to Arkansas to be with his family and to help us drive down here.  An unexpected blessing and something we didn’t know we needed.  Lee got a very encouraging call from his manager.  It was unexpected and unprompted.  And the words spoken and messages exchanged were a balm to the soul.

As we lay in our frigid hotel room last night, everyone slowly drifting to sleep, Sloan hopped up out of bed and came over to Lee and I.  “I have something for you,” he said, the freckles on his nose dancing in the golden lamp light.  He pulled two silly bands off his arm.  They were shaped like palm trees.  “These are to help you remember that we used to live in St. Louis, but now we live in Florida.”

How did he know that was the exact thing tearing at our hearts?  We hadn’t spoken of our fears and heartache in front of him.

When we pulled out of the hotel parking lot this morning, the kids screeched and pointed at a beautiful rainbow painted across the gray sky.  God’s promises never fail.  He is still the same.  All of these signs worked together to provide a bit of comfort as we continued to haul our lives southward.  Nothing about this move has been easy.  A part of me feels a bit like a spoiled brat who’s finally been given what she wanted, but it’s not enough.

“I want it MY way.”  Foot stomp.

I want comfort and stability.  I want the perfect house.  I want it easy and fun.  I want friends.  I want, I want, I want…

The new goal is to take my eyes off of what I want.  Together Lee and I are changing our focus.  We’re turning the page.  We want to know what’s going to happen next.  And we want to know what part we get to play in it.  To His glory.  Arms stretched out wide, palms open, dancing in the rain.  What’s next?  And how do we keep our eyes pointed up?  Not looking backward and definately not staring inward.

Not about us.

What’s next to His glory?

This is really hard.  Really, really hard.  As my sister-in-law told us the other night – this is a threshing.  It’s a step into the Refiner’s Fire.  The selfishness that has pervaded our souls for a long time needs to be burned away.  There is nothing fun about that.  Nothing at all.  We are feeling vulnerable and the only refuge is God Himself.  To seek any other would be foolish.  There is no hiding – not even St. Louis could shelter us from the need to change these deepest parts.

Join us as we step forward in faith, our hearts open to what He wants and longs for us.  And we would like to join you in whatever journey you might be on.  What does a next step look like for you? Because we’re all on a different journey. How can we pray for you?  What would stepping out of comfort look like for you?  Who can you serve?  What can you do to step outside of what you know?  Or, if you’re already doing that, what are you learning?  If you would like to share or ask for prayer, please feel free to comment and we can all join together.  Or send me an email (kellistuart00 (at) hotmail (dot) com) and I will be happy to lift you up as you turn your face up.

Let’s dance in the rain together.

Blessings.

I fear just one thing

Sloan and Landon's seats

The bags are packed and have been strategically wedged into the car in what I can only describe as the worst game of Tetris ever.  We have everything but the kitchen sink and that’s because my in-laws wouldn’t let us take it.  We even gained a chest of drawers.  This was Tia’s birthday present from her grandparents and it’s the first time we’ve been able to pick it up.

We packed it before packing it.  Everyone has to carry their weight.

The floors are covered in bags, boxes and with last minute crap treasures we couldn’t bear to part with.  In short, we are hauling whatever bits of our lives that didn’t fit in the PODS beneath our feet.  For 16.5 hours.  Who’s having fun?

I’m not overly concerned about the trip, really.  Especially since Lee was able to fly up here and make the drive with us.  Not having to do that trip alone?  Priceless. Mastercard has nothin’ on that miracle.  I’m quite looking forward to the adventure of driving down to Florida.  I think it will be fun.  Stressful, but fun.

Really...how important is it to see out the back window? On a scale of 1 to 10?

 

But I am worried about one tiny, little thing.  It’s really the only thing that I find myself thinking about pretty regularly with some anxiety.  And you would too – in fact, most of you will probably understand and identify with this thing I fear.  It’s quite frightening and is worth a bit of trepidation.  What’s the one thing I fear?

GAS. And not the kind you purchase at a station (although that has me a little anxious too.  Expensive much?)  No.  The gas I fear is the kind that you don’t want and comes with a price all its own.  The “cut the cheese” kind of gas…

Three kids.  One dog.  And a husband.

I don’t stand a chance.

You coop that many people up in a box for two days straight eating food out of a bag or a fast food joint and the smell is bound to err on the side of ruthless.  Add to it my extremely motion sick first born and his tendency to get barfy in the car and you’re looking at a good time right there.

Good. Time.

So there you have.  I am afraid.  I’m woman enough to admit it.  I’m scared of gas.  Because it’s hot outside so cracking the windows just stirs around hot air, which only makes everyone sticky and sweaty.  It doesn’t help.

Tia and Sadie's seats

We covet your prayers – for safety, for enjoyment, for excitement and for provision.  But if you think about it, and you feel so inclined, feel free to say an extra prayer for me.  Because I’m about to be trapped for 16.5 hours in a metal box and I kind of have a sensitive sense of smell.  Smells get trapped up in my nose and don’t come out.  It is a curse.

Good times.  Good. Times.

Tell me your favorite, and funniest, car trip story.  It will give me something to do while I try to survive the box.

The In-Between

He didn’t want to try it. Fear prevented him from true joy, from enjoying to the fullest that which stood before him. The vibrant blue waters of the pool were enticing and he tasted the joy when he stepped into the water.

But fear held him back.

He couldn’t bring himself to put his face in the water. The fear of the unknown was too much and so he simply watched in longing. Every once in awhile he put his chin beneath the surface, delighted to feel the cool water – such a contrast to the blazing heat of the sun. If, by accident, water splashed into his eyes he cried and dashed for a towel, wiping it away before realizing how refreshing it could actually be.

I wondered if he would ever overcome this fear. I wondered if he would ever experience the miracle and joy that comes with taking the plunge and diving beneath the surface. I wondered if he would ever realize that conquering fear leads to freedom.

And then one day he did it. He stepped off the edge and took a leap of faith. Faith that he wouldn’t sink, but would indeed return to the surface as promised. Faith that fun awaited if he just took a chance. And do you know what happened?

Photo courtesy of my sister-in-law, Becke'

Inexplicable Joy.  Freedom. And he hasn’t looked back.

We’re stuck in the in-between right now.  We’re in Arkansas for a week visiting family, which simply feels like any other vacation.  I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that we won’t be going back to St. Louis from here.

We head to Clearwater to stay in my parent’s condo until we either find a house or decide to rent.  That, too, will feel like a familiar vacation, which in the past has always ended in us returning home.  But Florida is home now.  It doesn’t feel that way yet, but that’s what it is.

Mark Twain once wrote, “Change is the handmaiden Nature requires to do her miracles with.” I so hope for miracles as we make this move.  What does a miracle look like?  I don’t know.  Maybe it will be something big and measurable.  Maybe it will be something that can’t be seen but only felt…realized only upon looking backward after time has propelled us past this unsure moment.

Maybe the miracle is our willingness to take the plunge – to face our fear of change and dip our head beneath the cool waters of the unknown.  We would have been fine splashing in the waters of familiarity, but then we might have missed out on the joy and freedom that comes from taking a plunge beneath the surface.

Maybe the miracle will be my children suddenly waking up each morning with smiles on their faces and nothing but kindness on their lips.  Maybe the miracle will be my children sleeping past 6:30 every morning!

I can dream can’t I?

Change leaves your heart and spirit in a vulnerable place.  When you’re cut off from the passivity of the familiar, suddenly a whole new world of options are opened before you.  There are no schedules to keep up with, no obligations to meet.  Those will likely develop quickly, of course, but in the beginning, when life has finally, mercifully, slowed down the prospects of a clean slate leave me excited.  What will we finally do that we’ve been dreaming of but lacked the time?  What lies in wait for our fragile hearts?

It’s terrifying and exciting and wonderful.  A tightly woven ball of “What if?”  What if we had the time to finally do that?  What if we were closer to finally participate in this?  What if we finally set aside the resources to accomplish that dream?  What if we watched in grand expectation and looked for the miracles?

While the in-between has given me a touch of vertigo, unsure of which way to turn, it’s also left me excited.  I love what ifs.  I love to see miracles happen and for the first time in a long time, I’m finally watching for them.

“Change is the handmaiden Nature uses to do her miracles with.”

Have you seen any miracles lately?  Let’s share and all join in the excitement!

“For I know the plans I have for.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

For more pictures by my awesome sister-in-law, visit her blog.  We’re having some wonderful, sweet cousin time.

July

July, 2000Lee and I tie the knot

July, 2001 – We go to the Bahamas for our first anniversary

July, 2002 – We move from Dallas, Texas to St. Louis, Missouri

July, 2003We have our first child. And move into our first house.  All in the same week

July, 2005 – We find out we’re pregnant with baby number two

July, 2007 – I am finally able to come off of bed rest after a month due to almost losing child number three

 

July, 2010Lee and I celebrate ten years of marriage

July, 2011We move from St. Louis, Missouri to Tampa, Florida

 


Apparently big things happen to us in July

House Hunting

It’s not nearly as fun as it looks on HGTV.  But we’re encouraged.  That’s what we’re up to this week!  We’ve found several houses that we like that could be strong potentials for our family, but it’s a very daunting thing to try and pick a house in a town you don’t know with only a three day window.  We may take some time.  Or we may buy a house…we found several we liked today.  We’ll see them again tomorrow.

We want to make the right decision for our children, for ourselves.  It’s different down here – different in a good way and in a bad way.  It’s just hard.

Hard to say, really.  We don’t know what we’re doing.  This is part of the adventure.  The best part of all of this, though, is that we KNOW God is in control.  We have no doubt and we are excited about  that…if not intimidated.  And nervous.  And grateful.  And in awe.  We’ve been praying the He establish us in the area that He needs us most.  I trust fully that we will see the answer to that prayer in time.

We’re also dreading the goodbyes to come.

So that’s what we’re doing this week.  What are you up to?

We’re moving to Florida

In February we met with a realtor to discuss putting our house on the market.  We were ready to upsize.  We wanted more space for ourselves, for our children and we wanted to be able to host out of town family when they came to visit.  That was our plan.

God had a different plan.

On April 6, our house officially went on the market and we began looking at new homes here in town.  A few weeks later, Lee got wind of a job opportunity in Tampa, Florida.  We’ve always wanted to live in Florida so whenever a job opened up down there we checked it out.  The thing is, we love St. Louis.  We’re so deeply blessed here that for us to pull the trigger on moving was difficult.  No job ever felt good enough for us to actually make that move.

Until this one.

Lee got really excited about this job potential.  More excited than I’ve seen him in a long time.  But I wasn’t sure.  There were other things playing out in my mind and heart and I was kind of at the point where I was ready to abandon the dream of living in Florida and stake our claim in St. Louis forever.  So I waited skeptically while Lee interviewed.

We decided to put our house hunt on hold until we found out more about the viability of the job.  About five weeks ago, we got the call from our realtor that we had an offer on our house.  At this point we’d heard little from the people in Tampa so we began looking again at homes locally.  But two days after the house went under contract, Lee was asked to fly to Tampa for an interview.

This is the part of the story where I began developing an ulcer.

I waited as my husband flew to Tampa for two days to interview.  And while I waited, I prayed.  I prayed that the Lord would give us wisdom to make the right decision.  Like I said, we’re terribly blessed here.  And a large part of that blessing stems from our amazing church family.  The thought of leaving our church home and the friends we have there makes my stomach tie into knots.  But I don’t ever want fear of change to hold my family back, so I determined to loosen my grip on the familiar and embrace what God might have for us.

I can’t go into all the details of how God showed us His plan, but I can say that He answered my prayer above and beyond what I imagined.  I asked Him to make it obvious if we should go and He really did.  From things like our house selling at exactly the same time the company needed to make the new hire, to our roof needing to be replaced and insurance covering it, to our furnace needing to be replaced and home warranty covering, and on and on the list goes…

OBVIOUS.

God placed random strangers into our lives to speak such wisdom and peace into us that both of us began to shake our heads in awe.  From someone sitting by Lee on the airplane down to Tampa to a bartender, God used others to give us peace in this decision.  It’s truly been amazing.

We did not mention this to many people because we just weren’t sure what would happen.  It’s tricky when a lot of life plays itself out online.  These matters become much more delicate.  We didn’t want Lee’s current company to get wind of this, obviously.  Nor did we want anything said to our kids inadvertently.  But it’s been hard.  We have tried to answer questions honestly without giving too much information away.  It’s felt deceptive, but I sincerely hope that everyone understands that that was never our intention.  This has been a difficult process for us.

On Tuesday of this past week, Lee’s paperwork cleared and he was officially given the job that would move us from St. Louis to Tampa.  We closed on our house the next day.  Once again, God confirmed in our hearts His plan.

But this is hard.

This is really, really hard.  Painful.  Lee will leave in two weeks to begin working in Florida.  The kids and I will leave a few days after him.  And my heart is ripping in half.

My family moved to St. Louis when I was 12.  Though I lived in Texas for six years, St. Louis was always home base.  For 21 years, this has either been home, or home base.  Minus the wicked winters…and crazy tornadic springs, I love everything about this town.  Especially the people.  Lee and I moved here a year before Sloan was born.  This is the place we became a family.  We have friends who have poured into us for the last nine years, watching us grow, watching our children grow and giving us some of the sweetest years of our lives.

I’m sad to leave.

But I’m also excited.  Like I said, living in Florida has been a dream of ours since we got married.  We have family down there and we love everything about the beach.  Our kids have been begging us to move to Florida for years.  They’re thrilled.  And we are too.  But it’s tempered by the dread we feel to leave.

So that’s where we stand.  We are spending our last couple of weeks in St. Louis doing all the things we love to do, spending as much time with friends as we can, and shedding a lot of tears.  We are also rejoicing in the Lord’s provision and look forward expectantly as we await what He would have for us next.

I said it beforenew adventures await us.


Time Capsule

 

An empty shell

 

Each room echoing with memory

 

Laughter, love, a haven

More than bricks and mortar

Each room a time capsule of life lived

Blessings fulfilled

We said goodbye and now we decompress

 

New memories await us.

Right now, though…

Wine awaits me.

I’m ankle deep in these today

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Wish me luck.

The one where I can’t move my neck

I never fancied myself much of a worrier.  In general I don’t get too worked up over things.  I may have a brief moment or so, when worry starts to overtake me, but I don’t usually dwell on it and, therefore, haven’t had to suffer many side effects of worrying.

Until recently, when cicadas began falling from the sky in droves and we got a contract on our house.

This process of moving out of our house has proven to be more stressful than I thought.  I didn’t realize I was stressing out about it until the last few days when my stomach tied itself in a knot and my head began to pound.  Yesterday, my neck began tightening up.  I believe it happened sometime during my conversation with a storage facility.  We are beyond blessed to have been able to sell our house for almost what we asked for it.  But…

We don’t have another house to go to as of now.  So we’re storing our stuff and staying at my parents apartment until we figured some things out.  Another huge blessing!  So I don’t know why my body is shutting down on me.  My brain is fried, my neck literally will not turn and despite being wickedly tired I cannot sleep as I think of all the things I need to do during this rather bumpy transition.

What do we do with the dog?

What do I do about the mail?

You mean we need a new furnace?

How much will it cost to move twice?

Where do we store the piano?

You mean we need a new roof?

On top of those questions, I am also beginning to mourn leaving this house.  I am a sap – a sentimental, emotional sap.  Those who know me well know that, while I love a good adventure, change has never been my strong suit.  This house is our first house.  It’s the place we brought all our babies home to.  It’s where first steps, first words and a mountain of other firsts occurred.

It’s home.

This neighborhood is wonderful.  There are kids galore, all of whom are my children’s ages.  I think of the little girl next door who taps on our back door every day to play.  Sometimes (or a lot of times) it annoyed me, but she and Tia are the exact same age and I’m sad that they will no longer have each other as instant playmates.

I’m just kind of sad.  And stressed out.

I know that this too shall pass.  This flux of not knowing what comes next will be short lived.  I’m not worried about the future.  I know we’ll find a new house to make memories in and a new neighborhood with friends to meet.  But it’s the interim that has, apparently, seized the muscles in my neck and chosen not to let go.

So on we go, marching forward to June 30 when we will say goodbye to the place where we became a family of five.  What does God have next?  We simply don’t know.  I hope, for my sake, His plan includes some muscle relaxers and a massage…

And now, random pictures that have nothing to do with this post, but I just got some great shots yesterday and want to post them.

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