funny stuff that happens | Page 16

Girl and Boy and a Cricket Makes Three

May 4, 2010 by Kelli

As Lee and I lead up to our 10th Anniversary, I am chronicling some of the favorite memories of our years together. You can read our love story here.

By the fall of 1999, Lee and I were an official “item.” Although neither one of us could ever really call each other “boyfriend and girlfriend.” It sounded silly and trivial and we’d giggle every time we said it. We also felt very strange and junior high when we would walk and hold hands. Because we knew that marriage was imminent, it almost felt like hand holding and labeling trivialized our relationship.

When we returned for what would be my senior year at Baylor, Lee decided to go to the K-Life Board of Directors and tell them about our relationship and his intentions for it. Because he was on staff and I was a volunteer leader, technically we weren’t supposed to date. I was willing to step down as a volunteer if I needed to in order to officially date Lee, but I did not have to do that. The Board was not only supportive of Lee and I, they were excited for us. And for that entire school year, they really poured into us as a couple. What a blessing that was.

So we were free to move forward as an official couple, and move forward we did. Every available moment we had, we spent together. Because I was in my final year and it was kicking my tail academically, Lee and I spent a lot of time at Barnes and Noble – me studying, him staring dreamily at me…

Okay, not really – I think he usually prepared his K-Life talks or Bible studies, but I like to think that he was so distracted by my beauty that he got nothing done at all during that time.

For those of you who have been in Waco in the autumn, you will know that what I am about to write is no exaggeration. Every fall, Waco experienced what can only be described as the Plague of Crickets. Thousands upon thousands (maybe millions) of crickets would swarm the town, covering buildings, falling from the sky and altogether making my life a living hell.

I’ve told you about my unnatural fear of crickets here. This fear stems from my years as a Baylor student. And the fall of 1999 was the worst cricket infestation of all my years there. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing one or 10,000 crickets. They were in restaurants, churches, libraries, classrooms – every-freakin’-where.

One evening, as Lee and I sat in a quiet corner of B & N studying and talking, I kept a wary eye on the crickets that were crawling on the wall next to us. It was at a particularly intense moment of conversation that I felt a tickle on my calf. I gasped and slapped at my leg, shaking my pants around a little. Lee laughed and called me paranoid and we moved on.

A moment later, I felt another tickle on the back of my knee. I yelped and shook my leg under the table. When no cricket came tumbling out, I decided that maybe I was being a little crazy. Until…

I felt something crawling on my thigh!

At this point I leapt to my feet in the silent but crowded book store where several people were studying and began hopping and dancing about as I stuck my hands down my pants and dug for the voyeristic little cricket. I finally felt my hands close around it and I snatched it out of my pants and threw it across the room with a scream.

I looked around to see all eyes on me and Lee doubled over in laughter. I gave a little smile and wave, then slowly sat back down all shaky and hot. Lee was still laughing. I glared at him and leaned forward.

“Lee,” I hissed. “Did you see that?”

He snorted.

“Lee!” I was desperate for him to understand the seriousness of the situation. I had just been viciously attacked, for crying out loud.

“That cricket was in my pants,” I stage whispered in horror.

Lee sat up and wiped his eyes, then looked straight at me. “Well,” he said with a grin. “Lucky cricket.”

My mouth dropped open and my face got hotter still. Then we both started cracking up.

And then we left…And I have had a severe Crickiphobia ever since.

Filed Under: blast from the past, Family, funny stuff that happens, Gross, Lee, Life, Marriage, Random Tagged With: Baylor, crickets, dating, Falling in Love, Waco

Boy Says I Love You

April 29, 2010 by Kelli

Alternately titled, Girl Needs Pants.

Part One

Part Two

In June of 1999, I was working as an intern at First Baptist Church in Conway, Arkansas and was slowly but surely wading into the waters of forever with Lee. Toward the end of the month, he came for a visit and during this time we met up with my family in Branson (where I learned that my future husband, Mr. Super-Athlete-Who-Can-Play-Any-Sport-Like-A-Pro, cannot, in fact, water ski. He looks like gumby when he water skis and I will confess that it brings sweet joy to my soul to know that there is one thing I can do better than him.)

As we drove back to Conway, we had the official moment when Lee laid out his intentions for our relationship. I’ll never forget what he said as we twisted and turned through the dark hills. “I just want you to know that I plan on pursuing this relationship to marriage. Are you okay with that?”

Um, yeah. I’m good with that. Totally. You’re hot. We’re good.

Some of the details of my summer in Conay are murkey. For example, I can’t remember if Lee came once or twice to visit. I know that at some point Fourth of July happened, you know – like it happens every year. And my parents came to Conway to meet Lee’s family. I can’t remember if this was the same trip as the Branson visit or a different one. I do remember that the night of July 4th, Lee was goofing around and through a fire cracker at me and it popped right at my feet. And my dad was standing right there watching.

Bad move, dude…

The other thing I remember is the obssession that Lee and I had back then with roller blading. In fact, I’m fairly certain we roller bladed the entire town of Conway at 1:00 in the morning the night before he was to return to Waco. From Texas, he would be leaving to Germany for a month to play basketball. So the night before he left, we stayed up until the wee hours talking, laughing and enjoying the energy that comes with youth and new love.

Around 3:30 that morning, we said good night to each other and went to our separate rooms. I climbed into bed exhausted but ecstatic. And not five minutes after I laid down my head I heard a little knock on the door. It should be noted that I was wearing nothing but a small t-shirt at this moment.

“Can I come in for a second?” Lee asked.

I pulled the covers up to my chin. “Okay,” I said, assuming that he just wanted to say something quickly before heading back to bed.

He walked in the room and turned on the light. Then he grabbed the desk chair and pulled it to the side of the bed and sat down, leaning forward to put his elbows on his knees. And I did not move or sit up, but stayed firmly planted beneath the covers with the blanket pulled up around my chin.

“I just wanted to tell you something before I leave tomorrow,” he began. His eyes were all serious and I sincerely wished I had asked him to wait a minute so I could have gotten dressed before he came in. “I have really been praying about this and I want you to know that I don’t take these words lightly. I fully understand their meaning and I wouldn’t say them if I didn’t mean it with all my heart.”

At this point I’m thinking, Crap! But I’m not wearing any pants!

“Kelli – I love you.”

*awkward pause*

For the few agonizing seconds that I made him sit there in silence, I ran through my options. Stick out one arm for a brief hug and thank him? Nah. Sit up and pull the blankets around my waste and say it in return? Nah – because not only was I not wearing pants, I wasn’t wearing undergarments…and the shirt was white. I was ready for bed, people!

So I said the only thing that really made sense. “Um…could you go stand in the closet for a second?”

Lee’s eyebrows furrowed. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the response he hoped for. “What?” he asked.

“Just for a second. Go stand in the closet.”

He stood up and walked slowly to the closet. Poor guy. I could see the worry in his eyes. I leapt out of bed and got dressed as quickly as I could, then told him it was okay to come out now. He opened the door and stepped out and I grinned.

“I love you too,” I said. And we hugged. We did not kiss – not yet. I wrote about how long it took my chivalrous husband to kiss me here (and about how terribly I tempted him).

“What was with the closet?” Lee asked as we embraced.

“Well…” I said, “I wasn’t wearing any pants.”

And that, folks, is the day my husband told me he loved me for the first time…

Filed Under: blast from the past, Family, funny stuff that happens, Lee, Life, Marriage Tagged With: Girl Meets Boy, Love Story, Saying I Love You

Does this mean I still got it?

April 19, 2010 by Kelli

Sunday mornings are crazy hectic here at chez Stuart. I sing lead vocals at church, Lee plays guitar. Which means nearly every Sunday one of us has to be there early. And yesterday I had to be there particularly early – 7:30 early. So, like I do every Sunday when I have to leave early, I got up before the sun and got myself ready so that I could help get the kids ready before leaving.

Because if I don’t at least get Tia’s dress on and her hair done before I leave there is no telling what she’ll look like when I pick her up after church. One time I picked her up and her dress was on backwards. That was the day I realized that I needed to stick around long enough to help.

As I walked out the door at 7:20, Lee called out, “Hey, my right front tire is really low, so you’ll probably need to put some air in it on your way to church.”

Duuuuude. Wha?!

I was wearing heels. These lovelies…

And he wanted me to do what again?

So, like the loving, dutiful, amazingly incredible and humble wife that I am, I stopped at the gas station and pulled up to the little air-filler-upper-dooly-bopper. And right there, in my dress and rockin’ red heels I filled up his tire. I contorted this way and that to make sure that my dress stayed in it’s proper place as I knelt down to fill up the tire (it was really, really low). I tucked and twisted and held tight as a slight breeze blew, all the while perched precariously atop the teetering heels.

And then I heard it. At 7:25 on a Sunday morning. A honk. My head snapped up and I caught site of two boys who didn’t even look old enough to be driving as they puttered past in a shiney black truck. One of them gave me a thumbs up. Seriously?

I gave them a nod of thanks and a small smile and went about my business trying to put air in the tire trying all the while to keep my flaming cheeks from spontanteously combusting. I texted Lee and told him he owes me one. He texted back and told me I should have flashed a little leg and really given the boys something to talk about.

So if I got a honk on a Sunday morning, does this mean that I still got it?

‘Cause I think the boys had just been up all night and may have been a little delerious…

Check out my post today at STL Family Life. I interviewed Kelly Stables, an old high school friend who is now an actress. Her new show, with Alyssa Milano, is called Romantically Challenged and it airs tonight on ABC at 9:30/8:30C after Dancing With The Stars.

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Life, Marriage, Random Tagged With: Alyssa Milano, Kelly Stables, Red High Heels, Romantically Challenged

Tia Tales: The Four Year Old Edition

April 14, 2010 by Kelli

She is part girl, part Tazmanian Devil. She is gregarious and passionate. Equal parts sugar and spice, she really is everything nice. And she is 100% a four year old, which means she lets loose with a few gems now and again.

Take, for instance, our trip to Target last week. As we run into the store (and when I say run, I mean run. This child rarely walks), she smacks right into one of those big, red, cement balls out front. And at a decible only a preschooler can create exclaims, “Ow! My penis!”

And the older couple in front of us turn in surprise then melt into laughter. And I wonder if I could possibly dig a hole in the ground and bury myself there…

She’s a happy girl who loves to dress up, but won’t let a dress stop her from having fun. In fact, I’m pretty certain you won’t find a messier child on planet earth. It’s probably a good thing we don’t have a little girl behind her, because I don’t know that I have a single outfit without a stain on it.

She’s also fearless. She will climb up and jump off of anything. Case in point, we were at a friends country home this weekend. They have a swing chained to a tree branch and it swings out over a hill so when you’re swinging forward, you’re much higher in the air than you expect to be.

My kids love to jump off swings. Sloan went first and in keeping with his thoughtful approach to life, he waited until he had slowed down a bit before jumping and rolling down the hill. Tia went next. In keeping with her fly by the seat approach to life, she jumped at the peak of her swing, which means that she was easily 6 feet in the air when she launched. Maybe more.

Lee and I had heart attacks and both yelped. She arced through the air as confident as could be and slammed to the ground. I was certain she broke both ankles, but she hopped up, turned around and gave us a look like Dude! I totally had that.

She takes delight in tormenting her brothers. De-light. Here she is spraying them with the hose. Despite the fact that Landon was screaming his head off, she chased him across the yard, spraying and grinning like the Cheshere Cat.

Then she tried to spray me.

I caught her putting on my make-up last night. She had on blue eye shadow, a LOT of blush and red lipstick. She looked like a little Vegas Showgirl. When I asked her what she was doing she gave me “the look” (the one that clearly says, Duh Mom…) and said, “I jus want to be woody (really) pitty for Daddy.”

I caught her taking a swig out of the Infant Tylenol bottle yesterday. Fun times. She didn’t get but a sip, but I made sure she understood how dangerous it was to drink medicine. She shrugged her shoulders and said, “Yes Ma’am, I undewstand…but I still woody, woody fink I need medicine.”

“Why do you need medicine?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I just fought if I said dat you would give me some.”

She is my girl and, my goodness, I am madly in love with her. Even if I am fairly certain she is conspiring to make sure I age at hyperspeed.

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Tia Tagged With: Funny things kids say, kids say the darndest things, Tia

Mind the Gap

March 31, 2010 by Kelli

Sloan has now lost all four of his front teeth. The last one came out tonight at church. While I was in choir practice and the kids were supposed to be watching a movie in the cry room until I finished, Sloan ran in repeatedly with a status report on his tooth.

It’s suuuuper wiggly.

It popped TWO TIMES.

Look how far I can push it mom? Is this making you sick?

Mom it’s barely hanging on – will you pull it out?

No wait! Never mind. I’ll do it.

And finally…

Mom it’s out, it’s out, it’s out!!! With Tia trailing close behind, Thwoan wost his toof mom and he hath a hole in his mouf!

When we got in the car to come home, he dropped it and we couldn’t find it – so the tooth is officially lost. And I have a tooth floating somewhere in my car, which is totally gross.

I keep getting this spinning wheel of a bad horror movie in my head where the tooth comes to life and starts attacking me while I drive…

It’s been a long, long day. Let’s just say Lee’s out of town, I just got the kids to bed, it’s 10:15 and I still have to play Tooth Fairy tonight even though I don’t have any cash so I’m going to go scrounge and dig up as many coins as I can find. Oh and my house apparently threw up while I was out and about today – there are clothes and dishes everywhere.

And I’m envisioning them coming to life and attacking me in my sleep.

Awesome…

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Kids, Motherhood, Sloan Tagged With: Motherhood, Tooth Fairy

Mom, Dad – I’m Sorry

March 31, 2010 by Kelli

There’s a tree down the street from our house. It’s branches are splayed left and right, front and back, one after another. It is the perfect climbing tree. And my kids love to climb it.

As a kid I was a bit of a dare devil. If a tree could be climbed, I scaled it to the top. If a bench was before me, I tried to flip off of it. If I could climb to the very tip of a mountain, I did it, then hung over the side for good measure. Remember, I am the same child who thought it would be a good idea to climb onto the roof out of her second story window as a kid simply because I wanted to see what the world would look like from the very tip of our house. And it is but a miracle that I didn’t break my neck trying to get away from the nest of horse flys that I stepped in on my ascent to the top.

I can distinctly remember as a kid, my mom giving me the freedom to explore while watching warily and saying a frillion times, “Kelli. Be careful. Kelli. Slow down. Kelli!” To me, it was hilarious watching her get nervous and scared because “Moooomm, I’m totally cool. I got it.” Then I’d plunge backwards and flip off the top of the football goal at our local high school.

Or hiking with my dad in Colorado the summer before my senior year, when we got to the top of Pike’s Peak, I thought it was so funny to climb down onto a little ledge over an expansive cavern below andhave dad take a picture of me from ground level looking like I was hanging on for dear life. Dad laughed, took the picture, then demanded that I get back up on solid ground before I gave him a heart attack.

So it shouldn’t be a surprise to me that my kids are a little dare devilish. And I probably deserve the hyperventilation that comes from watching them. As I stood under the tree last night watching Tia slither in and out of the branches, all but swinging from limb to limb by one arm, I got so panicked that I had to turn away. Lee laughed, Sloan and Tia cackled and I told them to hurry up and finish and get back on solid ground before I had a heart attack. In my minds eye, all I could see was one of them plumetting to the ground and my heart raced.

It’s the same feeling I get when we go to a local park that has a significant hiking trail. At one point, there is a rock that juts out over a large ravine and the kids love to go sit out on the rock and look out over the sky. I don’t blame them – it’s exhilerating. But I can’t watch. Lee has to go with them and I have to walk away so I can’t see them teetering 100 feet off the ground. Of course it’s not like they’re anywhere near the edge of the rock and they have to sit or stand very still, but I always envision them tripping and plunging and sweet mercy, I’m gonna be ill…

Mom, dad, I’m sorry for the grey hairs on your head that were caused by my insanity. If it’s any consolation, I’m pretty sure I’ll be grey early. Go ahead, I give you full permission to throw your head back and break forth with an almighty laugh of satisfaction….

*pause*

Okay, that’s good. You can stop laughing now.

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Motherhood Tagged With: dare devil, Kids, mom fears, tree climbing

No Boys Allowed!

March 25, 2010 by Kelli

Today was a sad day for the child who bears the X-Chromosome. It was a day she had been waiting for with great anticipation, but was ultimately not to be… She was supposed to have her “vewy betht fwend” come over to play for the whole morning. An entire morning of girly giggles, squeals and squeaks. Her friend was even going to come with us to watch Tia do gymnastics. The excitement was palpable.

But her high was crushed at 4:30 this morning when Sloan came tearing into our room, jolting Lee and I out of our slumber so quickly that we almost knocked each other out in our flurry to figure out whether or not the world as we know it was about to end.

Turns out the world was not about to end, but Sloan was just dry heaving and experiencing major stomach cramps. The kid hates to throw up and avoids it at all costs so in his attempt to not hurl, he completely and totally freaked out causing quite the ruckus.

And nobody really went back to sleep after that. So we had to cancel the anticipated playdate, which resulted in great weeping and gnashing of teeth. Had I had tiny sackclothe, I fear Tia would have arrayed herself in such and tossed the ashes of the fireplace over her head. She rolled on the couch moaning, “I don’t hab anybody to pway wif. I don’t wanna pway wif my bwudders. I want to pway wif a Dirl!” And on and on that went.

I already felt bad for her because I remember as a kid how devastating it was to have plans cancelled. But as I listened to her wail at the prospect of being stuck with the boys all day long, my heart sank a little more. I wish she had a sister. I really do. I know lots of girls grow up with only brothers (including myself) and they turn out okay, but I do wish she had the companionship of another X.

Growing up, I can’t say I ever remember longing or yearning for a sister. When I was planning my wedding, I remember thinking it would have been fun to have a sister to talk and laugh with, but other than that I never felt that I was missing out. Now that I’m grown, though, I really do sometimes wish I had a sister. Not that my brother isn’t great, because he is, but you know…he’s a boy. He’s got cooties. And he doesn’t like to talk on the phone because clearly the Y-Chromosome shuts off a man’s brain when a phone comes into close proximity of his ear canal…

Anyway, I do wish Tia had a sister. Maybe she will someday. I won’t say never, because I am not sure God has completely closed the door on the expansion of our family. In fact, I’m fairly certain He hasn’t, but Lee feels…differently. Ahem.

Of course, not having a friend to play worked out swimmingly when I couldn’t keep Tia awake past noon due to the fact that she had been up since 4:30 in the AM. And bonus! I think we will fulfill the need for girl time tomorrow instead. Hopefully that will release the pent up giggles that are threatening to end her sweet life as we know it!

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Tia Tagged With: Childhood, Motherhood, Sisters

Beautiful Lips

March 22, 2010 by Kelli

It was October of 1999. I was a senior at Baylor University and Lee and I were an official “item.” We’d had the obligatory *DTR sometime mid-July and we had finally settled into calling one another boyfriend and girlfriend, although I must admit I giggled every time I called him my boyfriend. It sounded so silly and trivial for no other reason than I knew I was going to marry this man and “boyfriend” seemed to diminish that.

But whatever – he hadn’t put a ring on it yet so that’s what we were stuck with. You know what else he hadn’t done yet?

Kissed me.

Ah, he was a noble lad. He was ever the gentleman and I think he was trying to hold out until he proposed. But that could take forever for all I knew and, being the little minx that I was, I was doing everything in my power to break his will.

I put on shiny lip gloss. I bat my eyes repeatedly. I giggled and grabbed his arm when he made a joke. When we hugged I layed my head against his chest and lingered as long as he would let me. And he was weakening, I could tell.

Then came the crisp Texas October night. We were standing in the parking lot of my apartment complex saying our long, drawn out good-byes. It was after midnight and Lee had to get up early the next morning. I was feeling brazen and had made it some kind of subconcious mission to get him to kiss me.

We were discussing things that only those who are young and in love discuss. Those discussions that have a sole purpose of giving you extra time to stare into one another’s eyes and dig deeper into the heart of the one you adore. They are cheesy and innocent and sometimes I miss those conversations. We still have them but they’re usually laced with fecicious banter and laughter…which is also fun, come to think of it.

“What is your favorite physical trait?” Lee asked. Before I tell you my reply, I’d like to remind you once again that I had a mission to get him to kiss me. We had been an official item for roughly three months and I was so close to cracking through his gold plated chivalry.

Naughty girl…

“My kissable lips,” I said without missing a beat. His eyes widened and I grinned mischeviously. I blinked and gave him my best Come Hither.

“Gotta go,” he said and with a quick hug he hopped into his1992 fire red Pontiac Grand Am and tore out of the parking lot, dust and rocks billowing behind him. Like James Dean…only not as cool.

Dang! He was good. I was terrible, but he was good.

He finally kissed me about a week later after we had our first argument. I can’t even remember what we fought about but I do know it resulted in him looking at me and saying, “This not kissing thing is getting hard.”

We got engaged three weeks later. He was so close…

Fast forward ten and a half years to Friday when I sat on the couch with the kids watching TV. A Revlon commercial came on with Jessica Alba prancing around looking all catlike at the camera. She was advertising lipstick. When they zoomed in on her lips Sloan, who was nestled in the crook of my arm, shook his head slowly.

“Whoa,” he said. “She’s got beautiful lips.”

My head snapped down and he looked slyly at me from the corner of his eye with a devilish little grin and blushed slightly. Then he shrugged his shoulders all cool and said, “What? She’s a beautiful girl.”

He comes by it honestly folks…

*Define The Relationship

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Kids do the darndest things, Lee, Sloan Tagged With: Jessica Alba, Kids, kids say the darndest things, Motherhood, Revlon

It could have been mortifying

March 15, 2010 by Kelli

We had a full weekend partying like it was 1999 with only one kid. I am only slightly exaggerating. When you’re married with three kids the term “party” takes on a whole new meeting. Just getting out of the house with makeup on could be considered “partying,” for example. Relaxing on the couch in a quiet house at 2:00 in the afternoon – PAR-TAY!

So yes, relatively speaking, we were partying this weekend. We even attended an actual party thrown by the lovely Kim, Jess and Gina. This meant that we had a real life babysitter and we hung out with a group of people (90% of which were significantly younger than Lee) and played games and ate food and laughed a whole dang lot.

Then came the time change. BAM-BAM-BAM. I have been reading this book and, while I will admit I got increasingly frustrated with the author’s long windedness and his perpetual overdescription of things that weren’t pertinent to the story itself (it sucks to be an editor sometimes…it can really ruin the book reading experience) the story was still engaging enough that I was able to skim past the boring parts and keep pace with the action. It was also engaging enough to keep me up until the wee hours of the morning.

So when I dragged myself out of bed Sunday morning, having lost not just one hour of sleep but multiple hours, I wasn’t feelin’ like the young hot mama that I actually am.

I was a little nauseous, a lot tired and running very late as I had to be at church early to prepare to sing up front with the choir. I got ready as fast as I could and rushed out the door like I do nearly every Sunday morning – without eating any breakfast.

When I arrived at church, I joined the choir on stage to warm up and prepare for service. I was exhausted, sluggish and increasingly nauseous. In the five minutes between rehearsal and the service, I took a long drink of water and tried to get my heavy eyelids to quit fighting me. Then service began and all was going well. There was a girl who had recently joined choir standing beside me and I enjoyed getting to know her and singing alongside her.

About halfway through the first set, I opened my eyes and noticed a rather sizable crowd rushing up the center isle to the aide of someone who had apparently passed out and, upon falling, had cracked his head open. We stopped the service so that he could be attended to and commenced in a little silent prayer time, which had been built into the service for that day anyway (how great is God?). It was at this time that I myself started feeling more than nauseous. I was light headed and starting to break out in a cold sweat.

I sat down to pray and put my head down which seemed to help. After a few minutes the paramedics arrived and while they were tending to the gentlman who fell, we began the service again. I stood up by my new friend and instantly knew I was in trouble. It started in the corners of my eyes. The room was going black. I took deep breaths and all I could think was Dear God please don’t let me pass out here in front of everyone while there are paramedics in the room.

Within seconds I knew I had to get out of there because I was going to hit the floor. Like a bad movie, the blackness closed in and I started to sway. I turned to my new best friend and heard her say with a bit of urgency, “Are you okay? You’re really white?”

And then it went completely black. I couldn’t see anything at all. And I was going to crumble. She grabbed my arm and walked me to the stage door, which mercifully wasn’t far because we were stading on the end. I ran into the door because I couldn’t see anything at all and made it backstage before I fell. She dragged me to the couch and pushed my head between my legs. About thirty seconds later the blackness finally faded away and I could see again. And a mixture of mortification and gratefulness set in. I was mortified because I blacked out on stage. I was grateful because not many people noticed thanks to this girl’s quick reaction. Ah! I would have been devastatingly humiliated had I hit the floor on stage.

A friend sitting in the congregation saw her lead me off stage and came back to check on me, then set off to find something for me to eat. She found two pieces of Kraft American cheese which had a bad case of rigor mortis, but I ate them anyway and gulped down some water and tried to get the fuzzy feeling in my head to go away.

After sitting down for about 30 minutes, I did manage to go out and finish singing with the choir, but it took several hours for me to feel totally right again. I’ve never had anything like that happen to me before (other than, you know, after having my blood drawn or a shot…ahem) and I can’t think of any reason as to why it happened yesterday other than apparently extreme fatigue coupled with low blood sugar were not a good combination.

Another possible reason was mentioned to me by more than one person and I know some of you are thinking that yourself with eyebrows raised. Let me spare you the speculation…I do remember passing out two or three times when I was pregnant with Tia so I know that is a possibility, however slim that may be. But there have been signs that lead me to believe that that, indeed, is not the case.

And just to be sure, I took a test. And I’m not pregnant so nobody go gettin’ all excited unless you want to rejoice with me that I’m not pregnant. You can do a happy dance with me…

All I know is that while it was definately bizarre and embarrassing, it could have been terribly mortifying. The whole morning was just a little bizarre. And with that, I will head off to eat a little breakfast!

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Life, Random

The good news? I’m a blonde again…

March 10, 2010 by Kelli

Sorry brunettes – you guys may be smarter, but after several months of being a brunette myself I’ve come to the conclusion that blondes actually do have more fun.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if I had pictures to back up my claim? But alas, I suffer from mom syndrome in that I am always the one behind the camera, never in front of it. Not that I mind, really. Because rarely am I in any position to be standing in front of a camera unless someone with professional editing capabilities is ready and waiting to touch me up. So you’ll just have to take my word for it – I was a smart brunette for three months and I am now a fun blonde again.

See? Look how much more fun I am already.

Ahem.

So….

The two older kids are leaving today to go to Florida for a week with their grandparents. I’m excited – and a little jealous, but just a little. They’re going to have a great time. And it will be fun to have some one on one time with Landon this week, although I’m afraid he and I both may be a little bored. I’m not entirely sure what to do with just one child any more. I remember the days when one child was overwhelming…

It’s always a little nerve racking sending your kids away without you. I hate the feeling of being out of control. I can only imagine how terrifying it will be when they get older and they’re driving and I really have no control over what happens to them. Ugh – I feel an ulcer coming on just thinking about it. Would it be wrong to sequester them in a padded room from the age of 13 until about 23?

Did I mention that I was blonde again? I feel all sassy like. Well, except for the extreme fatigue that’s resulted in bags and circles under my eyes. I was up until 1:00 last night working on my article for STL Family Life. I finished it yesterday morning and needed nothing more than to add the photo and a few hyperlinks. But WordPress and HTML had other ideas – namely eating entire portions of my article not once, not twice but three flippin’ times! By 12:30 I was near tears and muttering all manner of unladylike words (being blonde has made me saucy).

But alas, I finally conquered and prevailed and posted and went to bed. Only to be awoken by a very excited little girl who stormed my bedroom at 5:45 announcing that today was the day they went to “Fwowida.”

Remember staying up until all hours of the night in college and it being all fun and easy and what not? I was trying to figure out why it’s not fun, easy or…what not…anymore. And I think I got it. I had no responsibility back then. I had merely to drag myself to a class or two, then back home where I could sleep as long as I wanted before getting up again. There were no kids to feed, no beds to make, no suitcases to pack, no hugs and kisses to dole out, no fights to break up…life was way less complicated. It was also pretty boring now that I think about it.

So in writing this post I’ve come to a sad realization – while being a blonde makes me more fun, being tired makes me a terrible drag. I’m going to close it out before I bore you all to tears…

To read today’s article on STL Family Life, click here.