funny stuff that happens | Page 11

Don’t get me wrong…

February 3, 2011 by Kelli

I love my kids. I love to be with them and I love to laugh with them and play with them and spend time with them.

But…

These flippin’ snow days are MAKING ME BATTY.

*deep breath*

I think the children are going to start eating one another.

Sloan cleaned this morning. He vacuumed and dusted, pulling dressers out and cleaning the floors behind him. This is awesome, obviously, but it’s also evidence of the fact that we’re all going a little crazy. A seven year old voluntarily scrubbing his room? Not normal!

Did you know that the average four year old asks 437 questions a day? So if I have a chatty three year old, stubborn five year old and headstrong seven year old all trapped under the same roof, using a model of mathematics called estimation, I can safely assume that I’m being asked 1,500 questions/day. I’m also being told roughly 523 times that he/she kicked me, pushed me, hit me, licked me, bit me, touched me, breathed on me. I’m being asked 47 times a day for a snack or a drink (they still expect to be fed!) and every ten minutes I’m asked if we can watch a movie, play Wii or play computer games.

It’s tempting not to say yes and let them do that all day long. But alas, I’ve found that when my children sit in front of the TV all day they turn into jittery, weepy zombies without the will to reason.

On the other hand…my kids are pretty dang funny and, despite being trapped, we have had some fun this week. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed it – it’s just that every day I enjoy it a little less. And so do they.

A few pictures of the happier times for your viewing enjoyment.

We’re not really sure who had a better birthday yesterday – Tia or Kit.

Seriously. Where did this kid come from? He’s yet to find a camera he didn’t love…

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Sloan, Tia Tagged With: birthdays, Kids, mama's going crazy, Midwest blizzard, snow days, snowed in

I laughed until I cried

January 31, 2011 by Kelli

I am eight years old and riding in the backseat of our silver Cougar on the way home from church. It’s cold but we live in Wisconsin so that’s just par for the course. My brother stares out the window memorizing every street sign and landmark we pass, as he was known for his astute observations when riding in cars.

I am watching my parents. I’m seeing their interaction. I don’t remember what they were talking about on this day – I’m not even sure I could hear them. But I know they’re happy. I know this because my dad laughs.

Clearly I, too, am astute in observation, yes?

The sound of my dad’s laugh always made my heart soar. It was so delightful, so spontaneous. When Dad laughed, I swore that two more stars popped up in the atmosphere. It just seemed magical to hear him laugh out loud.

Mom followed suit, adding in her own cackle. As we drove down the road, they laughed hysterically. Though Brett and I didn’t have a clue what was funny, we joined in the merriment, because who can sit stoney faced when a delightful joke has been told? We laughed all the way home, not because anything was spectacularly funny, but because the joy had spread and we bubbled over.

Last night, we went with the kids to a Family Night at the Magic House for Tia’s preschool. As we drove home, Tia blessed us all with a meltdown of epic proportions. Her name hadn’t been drawn in the raffle and the world as she knew it was coming to an end. Couple that with the fact that she hadn’t had a nap that day and she was wickedly overstimulated and it seemed that life as this almost five year old knew it was devastated permanently.

For those who have been trapped in a car with a melting down four year old, you know the insanity that ensues. It is as if the car will implode with every tear shed, every moan, every groan, every kick of the feet. In perfect rhythm, Tia moaned. A deep, gutteral sound that seemed to resonate from her toes and work it’s way out of her mouth like the rumble of motorboat that comes up on you from behind, then roars past.

And I was losing my mind.

I turned and in my sternest mom voice commanded her to stop crying. Which, in case you’re wondering, commanding someone who’s crying out of control to stop is not effective. That piece of parenting advice comes to you free of charge.

You’re welcome.

So I tried the next tactic. I told her to keep crying, but just cry without making sound.

“Aaaaahhhhhhh.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh.” “Aaaaaahhhhh…” came the reply. Like a sonic wave it repeated over and over and I felt my brain begin the painful process of implosion. So I resorted to what can only be reffered to as Stellar Parenting 101.

“Tia,” I said, my voice sharp – but loving…of course. “Stop crying. Now. Stop making sounds.” And then, as the next words flowed from my mouth I tried to make them stop. “Stop making sounds…from your throat.”

As soon as I said that, I heard how ridiculous it sounded. Lee snorted, I buried my face in my coat and we both lost it. Painful laughter. The kind that makes your stomach hurt. Tears flowing down our cheeks leaving a trail of joy and relief behind. We laughed out loud, doubled over, clutching our sides.

And then…

Her crying stopped. “Why are you laughing?” she demanded. We couldn’t answer. We were laughing too hard. And anyway, it was only funny to us – she wouldn’t understand.

Stop making sounds from your throat?

We howled and cackled and every synonym for laughter that you can think of, we did it. Before long, all three kids joined in. They didn’t understand. They didn’t know what was funny. They just knew that laughter and joy were present. My brain resolidified into a coherent, usable mass and once again the world was right. Tia forgot why she was crying and chose laughter instead.

And that was the day we saved the world…one cackle at a time.

___________________________________________________________________

I had a wonderful experience at Blissdom this year. I hope to tell you about it in bits and pieces through my posts. I was challenged in my writing, in thinking outside the box in business and in expanding my use of multimedia. Hopefully you will see the results of my time at Blissdom rather than have to read about them.

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Lee, Tia Tagged With: Children Melting Down, Family, Laughter, Magic House, parenting

Gems

January 25, 2011 by Kelli

“Hey Mom,” he pipes up from the back seat of our (smokin’ hot) minivan.

“Yep?” I reply.

“How old do you think I have to be to be a rock star?”

“Uuuummm…I don’t know. Maybe 25?”

His face falls. “Oh. I was hoping you would say 8.”

“Well, you can be a kid rock star if you want,” I say with a smile.

He thinks about it for a minute then responds, “Nah. I think I’ll just be a Jedi Knight.”

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We were driving up to the Holy Land Target and as I circle to find a parking lot, Sloan adjusts his hat. “I’m sensing that there will be girls in here that will want to look at me. My sensors tell me they’re going to like me.”

Oh good grief…

_____________________________________________________

A car drives by us one day and a teenager sits in the front seat talking on the phone. She sees us and politely waves her hand. As the car drives off Sloan says, “So. Hot.”

Whose kid is this anyway?!

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Glossary of terms:

ahmpit=armpit

wight=right

woody=really

yeth=yes

wike=like

fink=think

Landon walks in the room in a full out wail. “Tia punched me,” he cries. “Tia punched me in da ahmpit.”

Tia runs in with a look of defiance on her face. “No I didn’t!” she says with a stomp of her foot.

“Yeth, she did,” Landon wails.

“No! Wandon, I punched you in da chin. Jeez. Get it wight.”

_____________________________________________________

As Tia stomped around the house in a huff, I gently reminded her that 5 year olds don’t throw temper tantrums when they don’t get their way.

“Well…I’n not five yet. I’n still four so I guess dat’s good so I can still frow a temper tantrum.”

_________________________________________________________

“Mommy?”

“Yes.”

“When I drow up, tan I be a boy?”

“Nope. God made you a girl and you will always be a girl.”

“But I don’t wanna be a dirl.” Insert foot stomp here.

“Why?”

“Because. Boys det to do wots of fun stuff.”

“Like what?”

“Wike go potty standing up and eat fish and play baseball and be Jedi Knights.”

“Well, going potty standing up is not all that special and you can eat fish too, you just choose not to because you don’t like it. You also play baseball with daddy and the boys and if you want to be a Jedi Knight, I’m sure you could figure out how to do that. But think of all the special things about being a girl, like wearing dresses and fun tights and curling your hair…”

“Well, I would do dose fings if I was a boy, too…”

“No. You wouldn’t. Trust me on this one.”

______________________________________________________

“Mom? Tan I wear shorts?”

Landon walks out of his room when he is supposed to be sleeping wearing nothing but socks.

“No, babe. It’s 4 degrees out today. You need to wear pants.”

“No!” His chin starts to tremble. “I’n not going outside so pwease, wet me wear shorts.”

“Honey, I’m sorry, it’s just a little too cold.”

“Well…it’s not cold in Fworwida.”

“Okay, well when we live in Florida you can wear shorts in the winter but right now it’s too cold.”

A moment of silence.

“I tan wear shorts?”

I caved, he wore shorts the rest of the day.

__________________________________________________

In the grocery store, we walk down the cereal aisle when all of the sudden Landon breaks out in a rousing rendition of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.” When he’s finished, I smile and clap softly.

“That was a good song.”

He sighs and grins. “Yeah. I’n woody dood at songs, wight?”

“Yep. You’re pretty good.”

“Yeah. I’n awesome.”

It appears he’s taking after his older brother.

_______________________________________________________

Last weekend was a particularly rough sleeping weekend for my I-dont-need-sleep-its-for-the-birds third born. Of course. Because daddy was out of town. At 2:30 one night after he had been up and down since 11:00, he walked in my room for the 15th time. I had yet to sleep and I was reaching the point of melt down.

I shot up and broke the silence of the night. “Landon, get your bottom back in your bed.”

He screamed and propelled himself into my bed where he huddled under the blankets for a minute. I felt bad and, strangely, satisfied…

“I’m sorry, buddy,” I whispered. “Mommy is really tired and I need you to go to sleep so I can sleep.”

A brief pause. “Mommy, I wove you and fink your beautiful.”

He finally went to sleep next to me in bed.

Stinker.

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Motherhood, Random, Sloan, Tia Tagged With: kids say the darndest things

Freedom

January 24, 2011 by Kelli

She stood up on stage and spoke softly into the microphone.

“For you were called to freedom, brethren,” she said in a reverent voice. And that was it. She didn’t finish the verse but rather, stopped there. Her point was to explain to us, her audience, that God calls us to freedom – financial freedom. This was a business conference for something Lee and I were involved in and the focus was on building your business and dreaming about what you could do if you were financially free. There were fancy boats on display and pictures of large, ornate houses were shown. And the prevailing thought was that financial freedom was necessary to experience life to the full.

I remember listening to this particular speaker and thinking that there had to be a little more. It didn’t feel right and it didn’t seem to fit totally.

So I read the rest of the verse later when I got home. It’s Galatians 5:13 and it reads “For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.”

As I read, I realized this verse wasn’t speaking of financial freedom at all. In fact, I don’t believe that God commands any believer to seek after financial freedom. If anything, we are warned to be wary of wealth for it offers much greater temptation.

That is not to say, however, that wealth is a bad thing. I think that wealth in the hands of people who know how to use it is powerful and blessed. I know godly people who have a great deal of material wealth. They don’t flaunt it, but instead they use it to love and serve others. Their freedom isn’t money, or boats, or homes. It’s impacting people, loving people, pointing people to the love and freedom that is in Christ.

For two years Lee and I juggled this idea of building business to create wealth. We mulled the idea of creating wealth to “make a better life.” Until, that is, we had our first child and suddenly the idea of leaving him several nights a week and several weekends a month didn’t seem worth it anymore. What were we doing? Why were we doing it? Things weren’t adding up.

I tread on this topic lightly because I do not judge those who work for financial success. Money is necessary. It’s important. We need it to live, to eat, to provide. Money is a wonderful blessing. But financial freedom, from what I’ve learned over the years, is not about gathering wealth so you can retire at 40 and take your children on a trip around the world.

One of the activities we were encouraged to do those many years ago was make a list of 100 dreams. This was to be something that we placed out in front of us so that we could remember why we were working so hard. We were working toward the freedom to make our dreams come true.

I found the list the other day when I was cleaning out the pit that we like to call home. It made me smile, made me scratch my head and made me laugh out loud. One of my hundred dreams was to have a gardener. A Gardener! I honestly don’t even know what I was thinking. Why a gardener? That was a head scratcher…

I dreamed of taking a Grecian Cruise, owning a motor home (seriously?!) and having a home theater. Apparently at one point Lee hijacked my list because I also had Go to the Final Four Championship Game, Go the the Superbowl (okay, that would be cool) and attending an NBA Championship game on my list. I’m pretty sure I didn’t write those on my own.

It was fun to see a few of the things on my list were accomplished – buy a house, go to Italy, go to Switzerland, have a laptop. By God’s grace, we have marked several dreams off our list inadvertantly.

I no longer equate the freedom I have in God with our finances. In fact, now that I am no longer obssessed with gaining financial freedom, I feel much more free. Lee and I both no longer agree that writing out a list of 100 dreams with the idea of asking God to bless that list is the right way to approach God or life. In fact my list of dreams is drastically smaller than this original list. My dreams are simply this:

– To live my life to the glory of God, honoring Him in every activity, every ambition, every desire, every dollar earned and spent.

– To honor and respect my husband.

– To point my children to the Almighty and see them grow in wisdom, knowledge and stature.

I have been called to freedom – freedom to serve and love others with the resources I have been given. I don’t always serve well and I don’t always love well. I still get sucked into the rat race and I don’t always give freely from the abundance I’ve been given. I still long to go on a Grecian Cruise and I wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to travel the world…like, ever. I believe in enjoying the financial blessings God has bestowed upon us, but only after giving back to Him first.

Like any parent, I long to be able to provide good things for my children. I want to be able to send them to college without the stress of loans, I want to give them the opportunity to see the world and the beauty of God’s creation. I hope to do some of that while also teaching them to serve others and love people. I long to show them what true freedom is and give them a foundation that sets them up for success in finances, missions, serving and loving. I long to teach them how to serve God fully with the money they are blessed with. I’m still learning that lesson myself…

I long to figure out why in the world I put “Have a Gardener” on my list of 100 dreams.

“For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” Galations 5:13

What are your thoughts?

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Lee, Life, Random Tagged With: Finances, Galations 5:13, God and Money, teaching kids about finances

Deep thoughts…

January 13, 2011 by Kelli

*random pictures will be interspersed throughout this most random of posts. Consider yourselves forewarned…

When I was a kid, I thought for sure the term “Jay Walker” meant someone who walked across the street naked. I think that stream of thought stemmed from the phrase “Nekkid as a Jay Bird,” which, being from a good southern family, I heard frequently. But I remember vividly being told once that I was jay walking and getting quite upset because I was fully dressed.

Sadly, I think I was 11 or 12 before I learned what jay walking really meant.

As we walked into church last night, Sloan walked outside the pedestrian walkway. “Hey everybody – look at me!” he called. “I’m a Jay Walker!”

I blushed. Because for some reason when I hear that term I can’t get the image of a defiant streaker crossing the street out of my head.

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Sadly, I am already over the great winter of 2011. Highs of 20 with wind chills in the single digits? Over it. Snow and ice? Over it. Frostbite after walking from my car to the back door? Over it.

Lee told me yesterday that he was convicted about his attitude toward winter. Well that makes one of us. I suppose I should try to have a better attitude about these frigid months. I mean, it’s not like I can do anything about it. It is what it is and I might as well find the silver lining so here it is:

The Clementines are amazing right now. They are fresh and sweet and…

Ah, forget it. Sorry, but I can’t find a single redeeming quality to winter. Bah Humbug.

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Today I will go to a music practice to prepare for an upcoming event that I’m singing at and I’m more than a little bit excited about it. Every year our church puts on a Girl’s Formal for the senior high girls. They provide beautiful dresses for the girls and have people come in to do their hair and make up. After everyone is sufficiently pampered and Princess-ified, the senior high boys escort the girls into the activity center where they are served a meal by candlelight. For the evening the girls are treated like royalty and are reminded that they are special and beautiful and cherished and loved. It’s such a sweet event and its something I wish I could have attended back when I was an angsty teenager…

This year’s dinner theme is set in World War II so they asked for a live band to play some of the classic standards from greats like Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Frank Sinatra and so on…We will be singing songs like Ain’t Misbehaivin’, Blue Skies, Paper Moon and the ever amazing Georgia on my Mind.

Now I can’t skat like Queen Ella – I don’t even think I’ll try so as not to embarrass myself. I’m supposed to be background music, not the elephant in the room. But other than that, putting these songs together has been a dream come true and the fact that I get to sing them at such a unique event is even more fun.

_____________________________________________________________________

I need a tan. I need the sun to kiss my cheeks and mask the bags under my eyes.

That is all.

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We’re about a quarter of the way through our massive jar of heaven Nutella. We are finding many wonderful uses for Nutella, but none of them compete with the classic snack: Nutella on plain, white bread. I ate a slice at 10:00 last night. I can’t say I feel great about that decision but whatever…I took up running, again, so it’s all good.

Right?

Okay, there’s really no justification for eating a chocolate covered piece of bread right before bed.

_________________________________________________________________

I’m off to face another frigid day. I believe the high is supposed to be 24 today, which is better than yesterday’s high of 19. See? Look at me being all positive and finding the silver lining.

So much for global warming, eh?

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Life, Motherhood, Random Tagged With: cold winter, giant jar of Nutella, Jay Walking, Kids, random blog post

Game Night

December 9, 2010 by Kelli

On my one night at home in a nine day stretch, I wanted to soak up as much of my family as possible. So we agreed to have a family game night complete with a completely ridiculous kids game that, in my opinion, makes little sense but whatever. They like it so I like it.

We finished dinner and homework and got bedtime clothes on and pulled out the board. This is only a four person game so Lee and I shared our turn.

Wait. Scratch that. I played alongside the Board Game Nazi.

There are a couple of things you should know about the man of my dreams. Besides the fact that he is all kinds of good looking, of course.

He is hyper competitive.
He controls his competitive tendencies really, really well and you would hardly know he was competitive and hated to lose unless you were, in fact, the one with the misfortune to come home with him after he loses.
He is particular and leans toward perfectionism. This means he wants everything in order.
He hates when people mess around and waste time – especially when playing a game.

So we bring out the board and lay out the cards and we commence to playing. We play four rounds. Everyone gets a chance to draw first. Midway through round one I notice my husband’s hands tremble slightly.

“Sloan…don’t bend the cards!”

“I’m not bending them!” comes the protest.

“Yes you are. See the crease?”

“But you bend them when you shuffle!”

“No. Well, only slightly but see how they go back to straight when I let go? You leave a crease.”

“Yeah,” I chime in. “Like the creases on daddy’s forehead! See how they stay there even after his eyebrows go down?”

Ahem. Play on…

Then his breathing shallows a bit.

“Landon…don’t touch the pile! Just leave it alone. No! Don’t mess with the carpet. Your’e knocking the cards over. Just sit still!”

A vein begins to protrude from the side of his head.

“Tia, this isn’t a guessing game. We don’t have to guess which card you drew. Just put your card down and lay your chip on the board! Come on, now!” *clap, clap, clap*

At this point, I’m laughing. Right at him. No holds barred. The kids are laughing too.

Lee joins in on the laughter. But it’s more of a ha-ha-I’m-laughing-to-release-steam-but-I-don’t-really-think-this-is-funny sort of laugh. And then, my husband attempts to teach the kids strategy.

Have any of you ever attempted to teach a four year old strategy? What about an almost three year old? Anyone?

The object of Sequence is to get four of your own chips in a row either horizontally, vertically or diagonally. It’s mostly a luck of the draw type of game, but there is a bit of strategy in where you place your chips. Tia, who happens to be the luckiest child when it comes to games, was constantly one chip away from winning. In this case, a strategically placed chip would have set her up for victory. Lee, being ready to end the game, was trying to help without helping. The conversation went something like this:

“Tia, wait! Don’t put your chip down yet. Look at the board. Do you see a good place to lay your chip?”

Tia shrugs.

“Look closely at all the chips. If you put your chip here, do you think that would help?”

“I don’t wanna put my chip there,” she said. “I wanna put it over here.” Points to a place that would not be helpful at all to ending the game helping her win. I notice the vein pop just a little more.

“I understand,” Lee said. “But if you put your chip right here, do you see how it would help you out?”

“But I don’t waaaaaaanna…”

*sigh* “Okay, put your chip wherever you want.”

The next turn, Tia draws a card that would have won her the game if she had listened to the wise counsel of her father. I’m pretty sure there’s a metaphor in there somewhere.

And then, the vein starts muttering. “O.M.G. If you had just listened to me you could’ve won. Mumble, mumble, mumble…”

Wait no. It wasn’t the vein mumbling. It was Lee. He was shaking his head and his hands were all a-flitter with pent up energy. And me? I just burst out laughing again. The vein frowned at me, then receded as Lee himself started to laugh. A real laugh this time.

“You’re going to blog about this tomorrow, aren’t you?” he asked.

Yes, dear. Yes I am. Smile for the camera!

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Lee Tagged With: family game night, playing games with kids, Sequence for Kids, teaching kids strategy

He gets it all

December 6, 2010 by Kelli

He came to me yesterday as I prepared myself for dress rehearsal. The musical is set in 1947 so I had on dark eyeliner, a skirt, lips so red they glow in the dark and hair so curly that I vaguely resembled Simba.

He looked up at me with big eyes, then a slow smile spread across his face.

“You bootiful, Mom,” he said.

“Thank you, buddy,” I replied. My heart sort of melted at that point.

Then he grabbed my hand and gave it a tug. “Come down here,” he said, pulling me to my knees. “I wanna give you a hug ‘tause you bootiful.”

We hugged.

Then I promised everything he ever wanted and more. Money. Cars. His brother and sister’s inheritance.

He gets it all…

Photo courtesy of Lulu Photography

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Motherhood Tagged With: Kids, Landon, Lulu Photography, Motherhood, Photography

The Brawl

December 1, 2010 by Kelli

BASED UPON A TRUE STORY

The Scene

Three kids, all blonde, varying heights, clearly in posession of shared DNA. They are heading downstairs to play a game together with the largest of the three rallying his troops to action.

The Setting

A Basement. Vibrant colors, pathetically filthy, scattered with disregarded toys and costumes.

The Protagonist

The largest of the three blondes. Male. A smattering of freckles and deep blue eyes. Sweet natured but easily frustrated. Possesses a strong desire to be in control and a swift and thorough sense of justice. A natural leader who inspires others to action when he’s not using his leadership for personal gain.

The Antagonist

The middle blonde. Female. Dangerously cute. Freakishly strong. Possesses the rare trait of being able to push others to the very brink of their sanity then backing off as they self destruct. Can widen her eyes abnormally giving her the appearance of a lost puppy and making her nearly irresistible. Cannot say her ‘R,’ ‘TH,’ or ‘L’ sounds. A master of psychological warfare.

The Tagalong

The smallest of the three blondes. Male. Bright blue eyes. A mischevious grin. A natural born sidekick with the ability to alternate partners seamlessly throughout the course of an altercation, sometimes more than once. Has a seemingly unbreakable love for the word “stupid” and the phrase “I hit your butt,” despite repeated admonishments. Also unable to say the letters ‘R,’ ‘TH,’ or ‘L’ as he spends much time listening to, and mimicing, blonde number two. A free spirit, The Tagalong is prone to fits of bouncing and can rarely focus on any one activity for more than 60 seconds at a time.

The Conflict

The Protagonist orders all blondes into the filthy basement for covert operations and a mad game of tag. Naturally, The Protagonist begins laying out rules and restrictions upon the game that directly violate The Antagonist’s awareness of what is fair. In addition, The Antagonist has spent much of the afternoon being nice to The Protagonist and is simply in the mood to ruffle his feathers.

The Tagalong is just glad he was invited.

The Antagonist agrees to play the game as laid out by The Protagonist. She waits until the opportune moment and then, mid-stride, stops, turns and declares, “I don’t wanna pway anymore.” She throws a look at The Tagalong that lets him know he should take her side for a good time. He quickly chimes in, “Yeah, I not pway anymore too.”

They wait. But not long. The Protagonist falls into a fit of frustrated rage. He stomps. He begs. He pleads. “Please play with me, guys.” But they hold their ground. It’s just too much fun to stop. To really set The Protagonist over the edge, The Antagonist throws in, “We don’t wike to pway your games.”

The Protagonist responds, “Fine! Then I don’t like either of you. You’re not my friends!” This is declared at the top of his lungs at a decible that reverberates off every window in the house. The younger two blondes stomp upstairs indignantly.

“He’s mean,” they declare as they move to the couch, The Tagalong’s arms crossed over his chest in a mini protest. Minutes later The Protagonist runs up the stairs.

In two leaps he lands on The Antagonist, digging his nails into her arm. She lets loose a dramatic scream and brings forth a few tears for added effect. Then the smaller, freakishly strong Antagonist flies at the larger blonde, her hand finding contact with his face with a crack. Her finger somehow burys itself in his eye.

The Judge steps in, seperating the two brawlers. The Tagalong looks on with wide eyes as The Protagonist is taken to another room.

“Yeah!” The Tagalong says to The Antagonist. “You dot him, Tia. You beat ‘im up. Ha. Ha.” They give each other five. The Judge’s wife stifles giggles.

The Resolution

The three blondes are sitting at the dinner table. Little has been said about the earlier altercation until The Protagonist pipes up. “Why did you poke my eye?” he asks, pure offense dripping from every word.

“Because you hit me and you was bossing me,” The Antagonist answers.

“Yeah,” The Tagalong interjects.

“Don’t start again, guys,” The Judge says and shoots his dagger eyes in their direction.

“Hey! I have an idea!” The Protagonist says, throwing his hands up in the air.

“What?!” The Tagalong asks, clearly excited.

“Let’s all be best friends.”

“Yeah!” The Antagonist and The Tagalong reply in unison.

“Let’s all say it together,” The Protagonist says, relishing the fact that, once again, he is in full control. “Ready? One, Two Three…”

“WE’RE ALL BEST FRIENDS.”

And they all lived happily ever after.

Or at least for the next few hours…

The End.

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Life, Motherhood Tagged With: fighting, Kids, Sibling rivalry

Sleeping in beds with boys

November 29, 2010 by Kelli

It was early 2002-ish and Lee and I, along with Lee’s brother Eric and his wife Becke’, attended a conference. It was held…somewhere. The details are really fuzzy. Wherever the conference was held required us to get a hotel room. Because we were young and poor, we decided to share a room and to secure it on Priceline.

It seemed like a really good idea when we got a hotel room just around the corner from the conference for only $50 a night. Score! Until…

We got to our room and found that it had only one bed. What to do? We couldn’t change the reservation without incurring much higher charges. So we did what any respectable couples would do in such a situation.

We all piled into bed together.

Eric slept on one end, then Becke’ next to him. I slept next to Becke’ and Lee laid on the other end. So as not to make the situation any more weird and awkward than it already was, we all slept fully clothed. Four people, fully clothed in one bed makes for a hot night’s sleep. Sometime during the night, Becke’ slipped out of bed, unbeknownst to the rest of us, and attempted to get more sleep on the floor. The rest of us were not aware of this transition.

When the early morning sunlight mercifully streamed into the room, I slowly opened my eyes. I looked to my left at Lee and smiled. He was on his back, straight as a board, arms stiff by his side, snoring. He looked wildly uncomfortable in his jeans. Then I looked to my right, expecting to find Becke’.

And there was Eric, sound a sleep. For a brief moment I was horrified as I laid all snuggled up to my brother in law. But after a few moments of wondering how on earth I ended up sandwiched between both Stuart men, I started to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I sat up and looked down at Becke’ who was curled up on the floor. She looked up at me and we both laughed.

That’s the only time I have ever slept with my brother in law.

This weekend we went to Arkansas to be with Lee’s parents and brothers and friends. So much fun.

Except for the sleeping part. I’ve already told you my kids are systematically trying to ensure I never experience a full night’s sleep again. They were in full form this weekend. It all came to a head on Saturday night. Landon wet the bed (we had run out of pull ups and wouldn’t you know every night before Saturday he woke up dry) around 1:30. He bolted up and cried, “Mommy, I spilled! I need a towel!” I got him cleaned up and back down in time for Sloan to crawl in bed with us. I woke up around 3:30 to see Tia in bed with us as well. Around 4:00 Landon crawled into our bed. I didn’t have the heart to fight him on it so I put him on the end next to me.

And for the second time in my life I found myself sandwiched between two Stuart men boys. Sloan, being a fitful sleeper, kicked me in the kidneys all night long. Landon had his face right in mine and breathed on me for a solid two hours. It solidified my need to do a better job brushing his teeth at night.

Despite the lack of sleep, we had a great time eating, laughing, shopping and being together. It was, indeed, a Happy Thanksgiving.

The Stuart clan

Photo courtesy of Lulu Photography

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Holidays, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Lee, Thanksgiving Tagged With: Lee and Kelli Stuart, Lulu Photography, Thanksgiving

How to go from reverent to irreverent without even really trying…

November 18, 2010 by Kelli

If ever you ask my seven year old to pray before a meal, I suggest you make sure you’re not starving. Because Sloan? He brings it when he prays. All I need is a tent and a white hanky and Glory, Hallelujah we’ve got a revival.

Landon and Tia, try as they might, have a very difficult time making it through one of Sloan’s prayers without sneaking a bite or four. Sloan has been known to pray up to five minutes or more. He thanks God for everything from his toys to the military. He prays for poor people and for everyone he can think of by name. He prays for his own attitude and, on any given day, could likely be heard praying that his sister’s attitude would change too.

Last night’s dinnertime prayer went something like this:

Dear Lord. You are the Creator. You created. Everything. God. You are our Lord. Thanks for being our Lord. And for being our Savior. Thank you for, um, the veterens (which he pronounces vechrins). Thank you that they protect us and keep us safe. Thank you for Mr. Nevil that he fought to protect our country. We are very glad for them. Thank you for the Army vechrins and the Navy and…um…the Air Force. And all of the people that serve. It’s just awesome that they do that for us. Give them glory, Lord.

We thank you for Jonri (our Compassion child), God. He is poor. But he’s not poor anymore because we can help him to not be poor. And thank you that he will get Christmas presents. We pray for all the poor people, God. We pray that they will have food. And toys.

Lord you are very great. God. Thank you for our family (lists everyone from grandparents to aunts and uncles and cousins). Thank you for all my friends (lists as many as he can think of by name). And, God. I pray that I would have a good attitude. Thank you that I had a good day today and was nice and happy. And thank you that Tia was nice to me today and we could have a little fun.

*It’s at this point that Lee and I are trying not to crack up as Landon, with his head down and his eyes squinted open begins grabbing food and putting it in his mouth, then clasping his hands together again while he prays and chews. My grandmother would have told him he was going to choke for sneaking food during prayer.

We just thank you for everything you give us, Lord. And it is in your Holy, Powerful Name we pray…In Jesus Name.

Amen

It’s not hard to understand why Jesus commanded us to let the little children come to him. There is no holding back in the sincere prayers of a child. I am always blessed by Sloan’s prayers, no matter how lengthy they may be.

As soon as Sloan finished his prayer, we all echoed the Amen and picked up our forks to eat. But wait! Tia wanted to pray. So we bowed again. Her prayers are generally short, sweet and to the point.

Dear Wowrd. Fank you dat we have a gweat famiwy. And fank you dat you dive us dis food. And…well…amen.

Amen!

Ah the reverence. I was momentarily tempted to pat myself on the back for raising such wonderful, thoughtful children.

Then I was humbled.

After the beautiful prayers, the meal took a slight downhill turn. We picked up our forks again and Lee thanked the kids for being willing to pray. Half of Landon’s plate was, of course, clean. Everything was gone except his meat…naturally. I made beef stew. It was delicious but I will admit…it didn’t look appealing. Tia put it a…different way.

She looked down at the pile of meat on her plate and wrinkled her nose.

“Is dis poop?!”

And thus, the reverence of the moment was totally gone. Sloan cracked up and Landon looked with great disdain at his plate. It took several minutes to convince him that I did not, indeed, prepare poop for dinner.

We started off grand, though, didn’t we?