funny stuff that happens | Page 10

Handstands in Heaven

April 26, 2011 by Kelli

Alternately titled: Car Ride of Random

We were heading home from Russian school, altogether as a family (in our smokin’ hot minivan that we now officially own, no less. HAWT!). It was raining. Again. We were tired and a little hungry since I failed in my mom duties and forgot to pack us dinners to go. But we were together as a family and that made everything a little bit better.

“Hey Mom,” Sloan piped up. “Why do girls always pick on me and bully me?”

“Probably because they like you,” I replied. I know the girls in question and I’m not entirely sure that’s why they’re picking on him. I think they’re just ornery, but I felt compelled to give the standard issue Mom answer as clearly directed in Article 16, Section C of the Mom’s Bylaws for Dealing with Difficult Questions.

Lee turned around and grinned at Sloan. “Told ya,” he said. It’s the standard issue answer for Dad’s as well, apparently.

“But why do they like me?” he asked.

“Because you’re cute and you’re smart and funny. Why wouldn’t they like you?” I answered.

“Hey Mom,” Tia yelled from the back seat. It was raining hard, we had to yell. “When I go to school and I wike some boys, I’m donna bully dem, okay?”

*This is the part where I desperately thumb through the Bylaws. There are no instructions. No INSTRUCTIONS!*

“No, you shouldn’t pick on boys,” Lee answered quickly.

“Why?” Tia asked. “You said dats what girls do when dey wike boys.”

DARN THOSE STANDARD ISSUE ANSWERS!

“Just don’t pick on boys. Treat others the way you want to be treated.”

WAM! The Golden Rule. Works every time…

“Hey Mom,” Tia yells again.

“Yes.”

“Can we do handstands in heaven?”

Laughter ensues, but then I look in the rearview mirror and see a very serious face. She wants an answer.

“Well, I don’t see why not,” I say.

“I think you’ll be able to do all the gymnastics you want in heaven,” Lee answered.

“Hey Mom, LOOK!” Landon screeches from his seat.

“What?!”

“I saw a kangaroo back dere by da road.”

“You saw a kangaroo?!”

“Yeah! Turn around. Mom, turn around,” he’s quite serious.

Lee looks back at him. “Did you see a kangaroo back there buddy?”

“Yeah!” He cries.

“Was it a real kangaroo?” Sloan asks craning his neck.

“No. It was pwetend. It was a pwetend one, Dad.”

And then we were home.

Who says riding in the car is boring?

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Lee, Minivans, Motherhood, Russian, Sloan, Tia Tagged With: driving in the minivan, kids say the darndest things, Life

Scenes from a morning

April 21, 2011 by Kelli

It starts with one.

Then another.

A third stumbles in.

A fourth comes bearing coffee.

All before 7:00. This is what dreams are made of…

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Lee, Life Tagged With: Kids, Life, morning, Photos

Magic Monkey on the Wall

April 8, 2011 by Kelli

We have a naughty little Monkey in our midst. He’s mischevious and sneaky and you never really know where you’ll find him. See for yourself:

Sometimes this mischevious little monkey convinces the stuffed bear to join in on the antics and we find them together on the shelf.

Thus far, however, he hasn’t been able to convince Old Monkey (aka, Steve) to climb with him. Steve just doesn’t have it in him anymore. He’s a little over three years old. In Sock Monkey years that’s 104. He also has a bum arm and leg…

There are squeals of delight multiple times a day as we discover where New Monkey has settled himself. “I fink he must be awive!” they cry.

We’ve tried to catch Monkey in the act of swinging and climbing, but he’s just too clever. As you can see from some of the pictures above, we’ve almost caught him. We’ve seen him mid-swing more than once, but he always manages to freeze before we can get to him.

Yesterday they were determined to keep Monkey in their sights all day in the hopes that they would see him move. But wouldn’t you know, when they turned their backs for one second he managed to scamper up on top of the fridge!

Silly Monkey.

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Random Tagged With: fun, Kids, Sock Monkey, Toys coming alive

Because they’re funny, that’s why

April 4, 2011 by Kelli

I heard a comment recently from someone who claimed to love reading “Mommy blogs” but hated when bloggers went on and on about their kids.

Um…I don’t think you like reading “Mommy Blogs” then. (Not a fan of the “Mommy Blog” term…couldja tell?) That’s like me saying I like fish but don’t like when it tastes fishy. Riiight. Let’s just call a spade a spade. I don’t like fish. Unless it’s thickly breaded and double dipped in a vat of oil then served with a side of ketchup.

That’s my kind of fish.

When I first heard this statement I found myself a little self conscious. I mean, I talk about my kids all the blasted time here. What if I’m boring people? Because let’s face it, I can say that I’m only blogging to keep a record of the cute and funny things they do until I’m blue in the face, but we all know I want you to like me.

And I want to remember the cute and funny things they do so I can look back ten years later and smile…and humiliate them. It’s a scrapbook that yields sweet revenge.

I’m only half way kidding.

So here it is: I am a blogger who happens to be a mom. Write what you know, correct? Well right now, I know Mom-ing. (I could have written I know Motherhood but turning “Mom” into a verb sounded like more fun.) So I’m going to write about Mom-ing, and all the other stuff that interests me that doesn’t involve my kids. Which isn’t a lot because I’m kind of in the trenches of this Mom thing.

So today I’m writing about my kids, because dang it my kids are funny. Maybe they’re only funny to me and their grandparents, but I don’t care. This post might seem a little fishy, but I’ll try and deep fry something for you another day, okay? Just indulge me, if you could be so kind. Tomorrow I’ll write about something more riveting…like my house. You’re on the edge of your seat – I just know it!

Lee left yesterday for a two week training in New Jersey. Before the kids and I headed off to church, he buckled everyone in and doled out last minutes hugs and kisses. He and Sloan managed to squeeze in an early round of basketball before we left. I’m sure the neighbors were thrilled.

As Lee leaned in to kiss Sloan, my tender hearted man-child teared up a bit. Lee smiled and touseled his hair and Sloan grinned, shaking his head.

“I’m not crying,” he said, all macho-like. “My eyes are just sweating.”

My eyes are sweating a bit as I type this. Happens to the best of us…

Sloan continued. “Hey Dad, will you get us a present when you go to New York?”

“Sure,” Lee said. I think his eyes were a little sweaty too. “What do you want me to get you?”

“A girlfriend,” Sloan replied without missing a beat. Aaaaand it comes back around. I guess he thought he’d see if his dad would indulge his apparent need for a girlfriend since I told him a couple of weeks ago that No, I would not get him a girlfriend for his eighth birthday. After sharing this I launched into a very sweet, deep and meaningful conversation with him about how God has already picked out and planned a wife for him someday and he doesn’t need to worry about dating right now.

Clearly my words had an impact.

Not to be outdone, Tia piped up from the backseat as we headed down the road to church. “Hey Mom? How old do I have to be to get mawwied?”

“Old enough to be able to say your ‘R’s,” I replied…

No, I didn’t. I actually told her it would be a long time and she didn’t need to start thinking about that now.

“Well, I fink I should be 29 when I get mawwied. Will I be a mom before I get mawwied?”

“Nope,” I said. “You gotta get married first to be a mom.” Yes, I know that’s not necessarily true, but she’s five and we’re keeping it simple. She doesn’t need an explanation on when and how one can or should become a mom.

Tia has actually popped out a couple of funny one-liner’s lately. I forgot how funny five year old’s can be. When we ate lunch one day in Florida, I handed Sloan a ham sandwich.

“Does that have Man Eyes on it?” Tia asked. She meant Mayonaise. And just like that, our family now has a new catch word. We will forever call Mayonaise “Man Eyes.”

And then there’s Landon – the family clown, the kid who’s always good for a laugh, the boy with expressive eyes and a personality that far outweighs his tiny little bird frame. He walks through the house daily singing the songs from High School Musical 3. He sings them completely wrong, but that’s what makes it so fun. My favorite goes like this:

I don’t know where to go, Whatsa right fing. I want my oh dwee so Battleforce Strange.

If you know what song I’m talking about, you know why that’s cute and funny. It also means that you, like me, know way too much about High School Musical 3.

It’s those little conversations that make me laugh out loud that give me reason to blog about my kids. Well, that and the humiliation thing.

I’m kidding…sort of.

Filed Under: Blogging, Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Motherhood, Sloan, Tia Tagged With: Blogging, HSM3, Kids, kids say the darndest things, Motherhood

Back to Life…

March 30, 2011 by Kelli

Lee, my strong, handsome, builtlikeaGreekgod, handy man of a husband, spent the week building and installing a new kitchen counter for us. It looks awesome. He used granite tiles and did a fabulous job.

I was shocked, however, when I walked in the door yesterday to this:

And then the realtor called. She has a client who wants to see our house today at 1:00. Sing it with me, “Let the gooood times roll!”

Four hours later I had the bathrooms scrubbed, the countertops cleared and the floors vaccuumed. Unfortunately in the shuffle and frenzy of cleaning we managed to lose a part to the kitchen faucet and cannot reassemble it so Lee is buying another one today.

And I’m seriously questioning our decision to sell this house…

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Life, Random Tagged With: kitchen projects, selling a house, Toto, We're back in Kansas

Emphasis on Spring

March 21, 2011 by Kelli

Perfect weather is a beautiful thing…

And this last photo just to make you laugh out loud. I freaking love this kid…

Tomorrow? The Beach!

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things Tagged With: I love spring, Kids, Outside, Photos, Spring Break

Not My Finest Moment

March 17, 2011 by Kelli

His face was pock marked, the divets in his cheeks glinting in the moonlight. He wore skinny jeans before skinny jeans were in and his dark windbreaker hung loosely on his gaunt frame. His frizzy hair was cut into a mullet after mullets were in style.

Were mullets ever in style?

He sauntered up to us and we froze. The still night air thickened and for the first time we questioned our decision for coming out. It was 1:00 am and our group was comprised of eighteen year olds, all of us wearing our newfound freedom like a superpower.

We were in college, man. Why wouldn’t we go out at 1:00 am?

We were standing right in the middle of a field where history and tragedy had met only three years earlier. Where crazy met the FBI. We were standing on David Koresh’s burned down Branch Davidian compound, a group of 8 or 9 college freshman who decided at the last minute to tour the compound…in the middle of the freaking night.

As we walked through what was mostly an overgrown field we saw him walking toward us and we froze. “What the BEEP are you kids doing out here?” he asked, the butt of the cigarette stuck between his lips dancing in the dark like a firefly.

We didn’t answer because we didn’t have a good answer. What the BEEP were we doing out there?

Finally someone spoke. “What are you doing out here?” he inquired.

“Aw, I was a reporter when everything went down here a few years ago.” And that’s it. That was his explanation for visiting this site of horror at 1:00 am. His reason was worse than ours.

“C’mon,” he offered, puffing smoke into the already thick Waco air, “I’ll show you around.” And with that we followed him. Why didn’t we decline and turn away? I don’t know. Why were we there in the first place?

For the next 30-45 minutes we were taken on a fascinating tour of David Koresh’s compound complete with the most colorful tour guide I’ve ever known. His name was Michael. I don’t think he was a reporter. My first clue was when he took us to what looked like a fox hole in the ground and regaled us with tales of David himself hiding there. He showed us bullet holes in the back of a burned out bus and told us about the children and wives hiding throughout the compound.

He knew more than what an average news reporter should have known. And suddenly I knew more than an average eighteen year old should have known.

There were a couple of voices of reason who were persistently trying to convince us to leave. Girls who were uncomfortable with this man’s in depth knowledge and offensive language. Maybe we should have listened to their reasoning and left, but the rest of us were so intrigued that we squelched wisdom and followed curiosity.

We all know what happened to the cat who did the same, right?

At one point, one of these voices of reason spoke up as Michael set forth an obsenity filled rant on what went down on the land on which we stood.

“Um, sir?” she said, her voice small but defiant. “Could you please watch your language? I find it very offensive.”

Insert very awkward pause.

And on we went, Michael not toning down his color and no one else daring to say another word. Finally we were back where we started and we stood huddled together, a group of foolish youth who had just had an unexpected adventure.

“It would probably be best if you kids didn’t come out here in the middle of the night again,” Michael said. “Sometimes people come out here to defend the land and the people in the house over there have guns.”

He gestured to a house a few meters from the property. For the first time it dawned on me that maybe we weren’t even supposed to be here in the middle of the night. I do believe we all suffered from freshman brain – you know where common sense flees for a period of time and that which once seemed crazy now seemed perfectly normal.

We nodded, thanked him for showing us around and quickly drove back to the Baylor campus, all of us talking a mile a minute. Was he really a reporter? Was he a Branch Davidian? How did he know all of that?

I never visited Koresh’s compound again. I’ve never seen it in the daylight. I’ve heard that they have since built a museum on the grounds and that it is better protected than it was back then.

But I saw all I needed to see that sticky Texas night. It was night that I can honestly say was not one of my finest life moments…

But what an adventure, huh?!

Filed Under: blast from the past, funny stuff that happens, Kids do the darndest things, Life, Random, things I don't need to hear Tagged With: Branch Davidians, David Koresh, things you shouldn't do

The Spoils of His Booty

March 11, 2011 by Kelli

Last Saturday, Lee and I joined sweet friends at an auction/fundraiser for their kid’s school. We spent the first hour and a half perusing the silent auction items, wishing we had the money to bid on every item and reminding ourselves that we’re trying to sell and buy a house so keep your hands to yourself and don’t get into a bidding war because By God you might win!

When our friend Lauren, a sophomore at this high school, offered us the chance to purchase tickets giving us the opportunity to play the game Heads or Tails we decided this was a fun way to invest in the school without feeling guilty later. So we bought two tickets for forty bucks.

And we were happy.

Midway through the auction, as we were sitting on our hands not bidding on items and trips and others such delights, the game of Heads and Tails was introduced. Everyone who had puchased a ticket stood up and had to choose: hands on your head or hands on your…tail. Lee chose tail, I chose head.

Tails won.

And on and on it went with Lee doing his best to read the odds and somehow managing to choose right every time. And then it was down to two – Lee and another woman. Being the gentleman that he is, he let her choose first. She put her hands on her head, he put his hands on his backside.

The coin flipped and spun in the air, glittering and giggling as it danced back in the palm of the MC. He flipped it over on top of his opposite hand and slowly pulled his hand away as one of the teenagers stepped forward to read the results.

Tails!

Everyone cheered. I had a minor heart attack. Lee turned red and laughed and nodded his thanks then came back to our table to sit down as everyone congratulated him. “What are the odds?!” I said. “Well, they’re 50/50,” said a man across the table. Hardy, har, har…

“So what did I win?” Lee asked.

Well…

It’s a terrible picture, but that there is our brand new iPad! We are now the proud owners of a Mac product and we feel terribly cool because of it. The kids are certain we won it for them and Lee has quickly come to realize that he actually won it for me.

This totally beats an oversized stuffed carnival animal.

So given that Lee won this by holding onto his backside, it’s safe to say his booty is a bit of a lucky charm. Go ahead and rub it for luck next time you see him, if you want.

I’m kidding! Don’t do that. That would be weird and uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Lee Tagged With: iPad, Mac

He’s made it abundantly clear

March 2, 2011 by Kelli

He really,

really,

hates

taking

his Tamiflu.

Thank God he only has one dose left, although I will miss laughing at him as he gags dramatically…

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Sickness, Sloan Tagged With: kids and medicine, Kids do the darndest things, Tamiflu

Wednesday Whatnots

February 9, 2011 by Kelli

What Not’s? What Nots.

Grammer makes me crazy…

So today is a hodge podge of random tidbits for your reading enjoyment. Or for my writing enjoyment. Someone will enjoy themselves today!

Speaking of writing enjoyment. Remember the novel I told you about? The one I started, then stopped, then started, then stopped, then started again? I wrote a little more last night!

So at this pace, I should finish the book by the year 2024. I am on a roll, folks!

Seriously, though. It’s really difficult to find time to write. I don’t know how people do it. Yesterday I got up at 5:30 with the sole intent of working only on my novel. By 5:40 I felt awake enough to open up the file and at 5:45 Landon stumbled into my room and the morning was shot. I left my house at 8:00 and only came home for two seperate one hour bursts before 10:30pm.

Then I had to work on the things I’m actually getting paid for. So, I’m still planning on finishing that book, but I haven’t yet figured out how.

This is where I flawlessly merge from one topic to another.

I officially signed up for a marathon relay yesterday. Me and three others will split up a marathon. I ran this race four years ago. One week after finishing the race (and not dying) I found out I was pregnant (surprise!) with Landon. Here’s to hoping we don’t have a repeat of that this year, right?

Oh…and here’s to hoping I don’t die. Considering I can only run 2 miles right now (3 miles on a really good day…which has only happened twice) and I need to be able to run 6.5 in two months, that’s a legitimate prayer worth lifting up.

And again, we transition.

I think you should all go back to last week’s post titled I laughed until I cried and read E. Lehman’s comment. I laughed out loud, pretty hard, when I saw it. Then I pumped my fist in the air and yelled, “I rock,” as the dog looked on in bewilderment.

Speaking of the dog (transition), she’s making me crazy. I’m pretty sure she’s clinically depressed and I’m wondering if I should get her on Prozac. She mopes around the house, wimpering, and she stands right underneath my feet every second of every day. Every second I’m home that is. Mostly she’s cooped up all day and she’s bored and I feel terrible for her.

Not bad enough to walk her, of course, because it’s only 10 degrees outside.

She’s not a dog who enjoys laying around the house. She’s active and she is bored and I feel bad but I don’t know what to do about it so I keep giving her food, which means now I have a depressed dog who’s getting chubby.

I’m running out of pithy transitions so I’m just going to insert a line from here on out to signify a topic change.

I have a PT appointment today for my shoulder where I may or may not have a torn rotator cuff. I’m supposed to go see a Sports Medicine guy about it, but I haven’t yet for two reasons:

– I’ve really been quite busy and haven’t found the time to schedule the appointment.

– I’m a scardey cat and I don’t really want to know if it’s torn because then I’ll have to actually do something about it.

So for now I’m sticking with my PT because I like him a lot and I’m hoping I can nurse it back to health ala natural.

___________________________________________________________________

My mom and dad are in England having a grand old time and I’m glad for them, but…

I miss my parents. I want to go see them but, you know, logistics. So I just try to live vicariously through my mom’s Facebook pictures and talk to her every few days instead. I thought about taking the kids with me to see them, but then added up the costs and remembered that I would be trapped in a small space with them for an entire day with the eyes of strangers watching and decided Skype was a lovely invention worth making use of.

___________________________________________________________________________

I sang at an event at our church a couple of weeks ago where I got to cover several great old standards. I had way more fun than I even dreamed I would and out of the deal have made contacts with a few people here in town that do these sorts of gigs both professionally and as amateurs. There’s a good chance I’ll get to do a bit more singing around town and I couldn’t be more excited.

Or nervous…

Final transition into the closing paragraph.

I’ve got another video idea rolling through my head and just need to find the time to put it together. In my mind it’s brilliant, but it’s probably really lame in real life. Either way, I’m hoping to include more video posts in the near future because I’m ready to spice things up a bit on the old bloggy blog.

And with that, I shall officially conclude this blog entry.

The End.