Hide Yo Kidz. Hide Yo Wife.

Let’s lighten things up around here a bit and discuss roaches, shall we? Let’s dicuss roaches and HOW I FIND THEM ALL THE FREAK AROUND MY BEDROOM AND BATHROOM!

That’s sounds like fun, doesn’t it?

Join me in my horror. It’s super duper over here.

Remember when we lived in St. Louis and we had a problem with Cave Crickets, or as I like to affectionately call them – Satan’s minions? Well, I’ve officially decided that if Cave Crickets are the devil’s minions, then roaches are the verman that crawl about his feet and fetch his slippers at night.

That’s right. You read that correctly.

(Incidentally, I believe he keeps yellow flies as his pets. He feeds them and pets them and gives them pithy names like Betty and George.)

(On a related note: We clearly have issues with bugs.)

(On another related note: I’m fairly certain that I am raising neurotic children when it comes to multi-legged, scurrying creatures. You should see them run and scream at the sight of an insect. It would be funny if I wasn’t leading the pack of psychotic freak outs…)

What was I saying?

Ah yes. Roaches. They have become my nemesis. And don’t try to make them sound romantic and pretty by labeling them Palmetto Bugs. I Googled roaches to see if they provide any benefit to the ecosystem and do you know what I came up with?

DO YOU KNOW?!

This:

Actually roaches provide a huge source of food for predator insects such as scorpions, spiders, crickets (some species are very carnivorous), centipedes, praying mantises, and other carnivorous insects. In additon, some animals prey on roaches such as lizards, birds, and birds. So, they fill a gap in providing a ready food source for a variety of animals and insects. As far as a helpful role in the ecosystem (other than being prey). They do not provide any helpful benefits. Roaches are scavengers and scavenge on rotting and filthy sources of vegetation and decaying meat. Because of this, they can also be plague carriers of various diseases. Which goes to show you how helpful they are to society.

To translate the above statement – roaches serve no real purpose other than to feed the other insects that bring me horror.

Now before you roll your eyes and tell me to stop being so dramatic, I would like you to look at this picture:

So that’s a roach.

IN.

MY.

BED!

 

Freaking roach in my freaking bed. I’ve killed two of them there – little perverts. Shortly after seeing this picture, my friend Carol felt it necessary to inform me of one of her nursing friends who had to dig a roach out of a woman’s ear in the ER once.

“But don’t worry,” she said. “That lady was sleeping on the floor. That’s how the roach got in there.”

THIS ROACH WAS IN MY BED!!!

I now sleep in ear muffs. Lee thinks it’s hot.

(Kidding. I don’t sleep in ear muffs. I just curl up in the fetal position with my hands pressed firmly over my ears. I haven’t slept well in a month…)

Not long after that, I opened the medicine cabinet in search of…well, medicine. As soon as I pulled the door open, the roach was standing there pointing a gun at my head. He was all “Tell me about it, punk.” I slammed the door shut and ran. He was found belly up a few days later.

(While the cave crickets always took on the personality of a Japanese warrior, roaches are more like tough Italian mob bosses. No, I haven’t been drinking. This is how my mind works. Roll with it.)

Last week we saw a rather large roach high up on our bathroom wall. I think it was the Godfather of them all. He kept opening and closing his wings like he was going to parachute down on my head while I showered. We just left him there because sometimes I feel like denial is better.

If you ignore a problem, it goes away, right?

That was a week ago and there had been no sight of the Godfather since. Until last night. I made the mistake of letting Lee order me a chai tea latte at 5:30 yesterday, which means I was still wide awake at 12:30 last night. I stumbled into the dark bathroom and just as I rounded the corner, he was there.

The mob boss.

He scattered around in an effort to throw me off his trail. I think he was trying to make me dizzy so I’d stumble and fall and he could attack more easily. But what he didn’t know was I wasn’t alone this time. I ran shrieking to Lee that I’d found the leader of the pack and with shoe in hand, Lee ended the life of the roach who has been watching me sleep at night just waiting for an opportune moment to burrow into my brain.

In an effort to shake off the horror, I’m going to the beach today.

See how I did that? I turned and rolled and sifted it all around until a trip to the beach was both justified and warranted.

BOOM!

 

Happy Monday to you all. *wink, wink*

Comments

  1. I just got the hebbie geebies! When you post things like this to FB they should come with a warning thattthatthere will be a picture! That’s the part that killed me!

  2. http://Karen says

    I grew up in a land where giant roaches fly at you like Kamikaze pilots. TERRIFYING, I tell you and even in my advanced years I have never forgotten.

    A couple of months ago I was putting on my jeans and just about to put my 2nd leg in when something caught my eye. Yep…a roach crawling up the inside right where I was putting my leg. I went HY.STER.I.CAL! Total come apart. Cried for most of an hour, leaving husband and 17 yo son baffled.

    I share you pain, only I have no beach to go to! 🙁

  3. http://Traci says

    you want to know what is NOT fair??? We have those here in Arkansas and we don’t have a beach to go running to!

  4. As if the title wasn’t funny enough, I was chuckling, then snorting then hot tea started coming out my nose and tears squirting out my eyes and I had to stop to stretch my aching abs. And that’s all before I got past “Lee thinks its hot.”

    I VIVIDLY recall when I was about 8 coming home one night and when we flicked on the light 3 giant roaches flew straight at my face. So I do share your fear. Did I tell you about the time I killed one with a Nerf sword? ‘Cus I’m all ninja like that.

    • You are a ninja. I would like video of you killing some of the bugs you’re bound to come in contact with this year as you travel. 🙂

  5. http://Jay says

    In the South the question is not do you have roches but how many do you have. the bugs from the south that I realy hate are fire ants. An exterminator can generally keep roaches in check but nothning seems to check the spread of fire ants. You will get to tollerate the roaches, have fun with them learn to fry them up and eat with hot sauce. : )

    • Word. We had a fire ant invasion in the pavers around our pool this year. Not cool. It took about 300 bucks just to chase them out of the pool area. Ugh. What a pain…

  6. If that was the godfather roach, then the rest of his mob boys may be lookin for ya… Better sleep with one eye open, ear muffs ON…

  7. Ants is about the most terrible bug problem we’ve had around here…. Though there are those scorpions we’ve found some mornings in the pool. As long as they stay outside and I never see them alive, nor step on one, nor having any family or friends step on one… I guess I’m okay with it. Denial,

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