I hate to say I told you so, but…

Image from selinalake.blogspot.de

Alternately titled: Home Project Fail

Alternately titled: Oops

Alternately titled: Piece ’o Cake my #$*

Alternately titled: This is what happens when I try to be Martha Stewart

Alternately titled: I picked the wrong day to stop drinking

Alternately titled: Back to the drawing board?

Alternately titled: This is why Pinterest makes people like me feel inadequate

I am a writer. That’s what I do. I paint blank pages with words and form pictures of the mind. I embrace this part of who I am because I’m good at it. I love words. I get words.

I DO NOT GET DECORATING.

While I can paint a word picture and visualize that which I am creating, I cannot visualize the blank canvas of a wall. I cannot use an actual paintbrush without mostly disasterous results. Perhaps you think I am exaggerating? Perhaps you worry I am being dramatic for the purposes of this blog post.

I assure you, I am not.

I took your suggestions from the other day regarding curtains. I went to Michaels on Saturday and picked out a spray paint that matched the vibrant red in my bedding perfectly. Yesterday, I went to IKEA and I bought some neutral curtains, per the advice of many of you who suggested I not go too crazy with the colors in the fabric.

I came home armed and ready. I pulled up a few links on how to spray paint something, grabbed a few supplies and headed outside with my curtain rods, some primer and a can of spray paint.

I started off by priming the curtain rods because everything I read said to spray a white canvas in order to get a true showing of the spray paint color. It didn’t take me long and I leaned the rods up against a wall to dry.

Piece ’o cake.

An hour later I went out with my spray paint, shook it up and began spraying the rods. This is where it all started to go down hill.

First, I didn’t realize the importance of covering the rods completely with the primer. I kind of treated it like I would a wall and didn’t worry about the few spots that I missed or the fact that the rod wasn’t a solid white. But when I sprayed the rod, you could see all the places where the rods were darker.

Fail.

So after spraying one rod and one finial and seeing how bad they looked, I grabbed the primer and decided to apply a second coat so that the rods would be solid white.

While I was doing this I was attacked. No lie. Some sort of mutant horse fly (or maybe even a tracker jacker) came out of nowhere and laid seige to my legs. I swatted and screamed and ran and in the process of doing so flung paint all over the place.

Honestly, I really feel this was a sign from the Lord to stop doing what I was doing and go inside and eat pizza. I should have heeded the warning, but I did not. I waited a few minutes, assuming the tracker horse fly jacker was gone, then ventured back out to finish priming.

HE ATTACKED ME AGAIN!

He bit me six times and my ankles swelled up to twice their normal size.

At that point, I called it a day and laid the rods up against a piece of carboard that I’d propped against our tree. I figured I’d let them dry then wait a day before attempting to spray paint.

I checked on those rods no less than six times over the course of the next hour and they sat propped proudly against the tree. We put the kids to bed and I headed out to gather what I assumed to be my now dry rods.

W-R-O-N-G.

They had fallen over. A single, mysterious gust of wind blew through bewteen the time of my last glance out the window and this moment and they laid askew in the grass and leaves and they weren’t totally dry.

You know, maybe it wasn’t the wind. Maybe it was that devil tracker horse fly jacker that knocked them over.

At any rate, I brought them all in, threw them down on the back porch and walked inside. I was swollen, itchy, covered in paint and dirt and altogether irritable. Lee looked at me with wide, amused eyes.

“Didn’t go so well, huh?” he asked.

Well, at least I’ll get a good blog post out of it,” I muttered.

So now I have a decision to make. Do I try again? Do I go out and buy new curtain rods that are already white? Or do I throw in the towel, return those cans of spray paint and stay away from Pinterest from now until forever?

I think I’ll wait for the swelling in my ankles to go down to decide…

You’re welcome to offer suggestions in the comments. And you’re more than welcome to laugh at me. But if any of you use the words “piece ’o cake,” “simple,” or “lickety split” in regards to this project I will sic my devil tracker horse fly jacker upon you with a vengence.

Deal?

Image credit

Comments

  1. Bless it.

  2. No pictures of your ankles?

    • No. But my husband just walked in and said, “Whoa. You’ve got some cankles going on today.” I have summoned the tracker horse fly jacker to descend upon him…

      • AHAHAHAH! Sounds like my hubby…..if he can get me to laugh then he figures the worst has passed. (Though that has not always been true! :-) )

        Ice your cankles and eat chocolate. That will help you decide the next step!

  3. Good ole Lee, living dangerously…

  4. This has totally happened to me! I guess I just wait for the memory to fade and then my optimism kicks back in and I try again. Sometimes it even works well enough the second time (or third) that I decide to actually use the slightly less messy projects and claim victory.

    • Yeah. How much time do you think I need to give this before I forget the hassle? Cause right now my legs are still swollen and itchy…

  5. Praying for Jesus to bless you with spray-painting skillz and the patience of Job.

    Also praying for wisdom for your hubs about when to speak and when to…..not speak.

  6. And this is why I deleted my Pinterest account …

    • I rarely get on Pinterest for this reason. It doesn’t encourage dreaming in me. It facilitates panic attacks. ;)

  7. Bethany says:

    Do the curtains that you bought have a “pole pocket” at the top? (ie: you slide rod thru already-sewn sleeve at the top of curtain)?? Or are they “tab top” (ie: you slide rod through little loops at top of curtain)?? If they’re pole pocket, then most of the rods won’t show at all. Repeat–most of your curtain will cover the botched rods. So yank the leaves off and layer on more spray paint. The only thing you have to get right is the finial. Next step: invite Jeni over. Make margaritas. Drink at least two before attempting any more painting. At the very least, Jeni will make snarky hilarious comments about your project and make you laugh :) .

    • They’re tab top. So the rods need to look better. I’m thinking I need new rods…And yes, Jenni and liquor would make this all better. :)

  8. Candy martin says:

    I feel the need to apologize to you Kelli. It is a warped gene that you got from me. My sisters, Tammy and Joy, were both quite crafty. Not sure what happened to me! I can’t even pick out pretty pillows to go on our new couch. I am like a deer caught in headlights when I get to the stores. So, so sorry. We are good at other things, right??

    • Candy martin says:

      Annnd… I am quite sure that the pictures on Pinterest of the painted rods that look so beautiful and perfect are altered. Probably took a lot of photoshop to make them look that nice!!

    • Yeah…I totally blame you. We’re awesome in so many other ways, though, right?

  9. Mel cable says:

    I got cheap white ones at walmart if you want to start over, but they probably are salvageable.

  10. Sand the leafy ones, clean them througly, put a tring or wire through them and hang them in the garage (if you have one) so you can stay away from the attacking horse flies. Hanging them makes it so you don’t have to touch them once you start painting and you don’ have to worry about them falling down while still wet. Just don’t let the kids play limbo with them. Good luck.

  11. So funny as I was thinking that the horse fly was a sign, before you even said it! :) I would totally offer to come paint these for you – but Seattle is a bit far from Florida for a home improvement helper….maybe you need to put a notice in the church bulletin, “Will trade blog advertisements/story telling for home improvement help” :) It could be a win/win!

  12. The more I read your blog, the more I feel we are kindred spirits of sorts. If you want the proof, and have a few extra moments, go read my latest post from about a week and a half ago. P.S. I am so thrilled for you all in the exciting new adventure of adoption from Russia! Praying for your wonderful family and hoping, hoping, hoping that we can get these kids together soon!!!
    Jenny

  13. Great delivery. Solid arguments. Keepp up the amazing spirit.

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