As long as he doesn’t mutate, we’re good

Weeks ago, I looked in our bathtub and found a small lizard wandering around. I laughed because, you know…only in Florida, right?

Also, it was way better than finding a cockroach in my bed.

I briefly considered relocating the little fella, but decided against it mainly because picking those things up freaks me out. I know they can’t hurt me, but they’re wily and quick and I’m a coward so I left him there and figured Lee could deal with it later.

Only when we came back later, he wasn’t there anymore. Which disturbed me in other ways, but I pushed the thoughts of a lizard crawling in my ear or up my nose in the middle of the night deep into the recesses of my subconscious and went on with my life.

Until I noticed that he continued to show up here and there, always in the bathtub. And I finally figured it out – he lives there. Everyone, I’d like to introduce you to the newest resident of the Stuart House: Bernard (“Bernie”) Stuart – our lizard in the drain.

Yes, my bathtub is atrocious. It has been since the day we moved in. It is nasty and disgusting and I’m waiting (not so paitently) for the day when we can rip that sucker out and put in something functional.

We’ve never used our bathtub, but Bernie seems to have found a home there. He hangs out in the drain. Some nights, we even walk in to find his little head laying just outside the drain, eye closed, snoozing.

So far, we are all living peacefully together. Bernie stays in the tub and the rest of us leave him alone. It says a lot about just how disgusting our tub is that he can apparently live there comfortably. It’s like the friggin spa for lizards with all the crap that he can apparently feed on.

The only thing that gives me pause about the whole situation is my overactive imagination that has, at times, envisioned him mutating from the grossness on which he feeds. If he starts growing at an alarming rate, we’re going to have to move.

Bernie: Teenage Mutant Ninja Lizard.

It could happen…


  1. Bernie will keep the cockroaches at bay…to him they are a delicacy. Florida living, like island living, has its perks!

  2. Julie Katerberg says

    Besides the weather, you are really making Florida appealing!! Cockroaches in your bed, lizards in your bath tub? No thank you!!!

  3. candy Martin says

    Bernie was funny laying on top of the drain stopper sleeping yesterday. I woke him up when I took a picture!

  4. He just needs a headband! Rafael lives through Bernie! He’s out every night keeping the neighborhood safe! Jusy imagine. You’ll get up in the midddle of the night and find him in the kitchen raiding the pantry leaning against the wall like Easter Bunny giving you that mischevious Grin. You know what I mean.

    Florida? They were here first. Live in harmony. Uncle Dusty is right. Embrace them. They’re your friend! And, they don’t throw up on their food before they eat it like certain other freakish, evil, disgusting creatures do!


  5. If you had taken my cat he would have dispatched Bernie AND the roaches before you ever saw them. Ahem. Just sayin’…


    • Risk doesn’t outweigh benefit. Cats make my eyes swell and my throat close. He and I would not have been friends. 🙂