A Repost, Because Summer is Crazy

July 12, 2013 by Kelli

This is, hands down, the craziest summer I’ve experienced thus far as a mother. We are moving from one thing to the next at break neck speed, and it’s all this Mama can do to keep from hyperventilating at ALL THE INSANITY!

See there? See the caps lock? INSANITY!

Today I’m packing Sloan up for his week long adventure to Washington DC and New York. My parents have told each of the kids that they will take them whereever they want to go for a week long trip when they turn ten (in the Continental United States – yes, that had to be defined because a certain child had big ideas about traipsing about Europe for her trip).

When Sloan returns we’ll have a few days at home before we leave for Kanakuk, St. Louis and Conway, Arkansas for two weeks. When we come home we’ll have a week and a half before school starts. Seriously, I feel like I can’t breathe when I try to think about all of it at once.

So while I go bury my face in a paper bag, I’m going to leave you with a repost, because I needed to laugh today, and maybe you did too. Happy Friday, friends! May your weekend be fun, restful and free of panic attacks.

*wink*

WHEN DADDY EXPLAINS

Originally published June 11, 2011

I was on the phone last week, pacing the driveway. It was a beautiful day and the kids were all napping or resting. I just needed some air. As I spoke with my friend, I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned in time to see Sloan marching by with a twelve foot ladder tucked snuggly under his arm. He didn’t even glance my way as he walked past, his face cool and nonchalant. As if carrying around a ladder was normal.

I swear, if that kid had a stuffed tiger I would be living with Calvin and Hobbes.

“Um…I think I should probably hang up,” I said to my friend as Sloan set the ladder down next to the corner of the house and popped it open. He looked up at the roof, his hand shading his eyes slightly. I managed to reach him just as he stepped on the third rung, the ladder wobbling precariously on the slanted driveway.

“Whatcha doin’?” I asked, grabbing hold of the base of the ladder.

“Oh, hey Mom,” Sloan said, still playing cool. “I’m checking out the bird’s nest up here.”

I looked up and sure enough, there was a nest just underneath the roof.

“Can I?” he asked, looking down at me with his penetrating blue eyes. Then he grinned. Stinker.

“Yes,” I replied. “Be careful.”

So up he climbed to the top rung and he peered over the side of the nest.

“There’s a baby bird in there!” he screeched. Seriously screeched. My ears are still ringing. “It’s so cute! Aw, Mom come see the baby bird!”

So we switched places and I climbed the ladder with him holding it steady. Inside the nest was a tiny, newly hatched baby, it’s beak pointed upward, waiting for nourishment.

“Can I see it again?” Sloan yelled, shaking the ladder for effect. Nice.

He climbed back up and looked in again. “This is so freakin’ cool!” he yelled again. To which I reminded him that I was only a few feet below and he didn’t need to scream. Then he reached for the bird.

“Don’t touch it,” I cautioned. “If the Mama bird comes back and smells you on her baby, she’ll leave him and he’ll die.”

With one last look and a wave, we pulled the ladder back down and headed on with our day.

Fast forward to this afternoon when we’re driving home from church. Sloan pipes up from the backseat. “Hey Mom. I don’t care if it dies, so when we get home can I get the ladder out and pick up the baby bird and keep it? I’ll get it worms and I’ll take care of it. Can I raise the baby bird?”

“No,” I said. “It’s Mama would be sad. And we really don’t know how to raise a baby bird. It’s better if we leave it alone.”

“But I can take good care of it,” came the anticipated protest.

“Hey Buddy,” Lee said, glancing into the mirror. “You don’t need to try and raise that baby bird.”

“Why?”

“Well,” Lee said, and he paused. “It would be like a bear coming to our house and seeing you and saying ‘I want to take that little boy home and raise him.’ Bears don’t know how to raise little boys. That bear wouldn’t know how to feed you – he’d probably just give you raw meat or raw fish, like he eats. And if he tried to hug you or give you a kiss, he’d probably claw your face off or bite off your head with his sharp teeth. Bears aren’t meant to take care of little boys just like little boys aren’t meant to take care of baby birds.”

This is the part where I begin clutching my sides, I’m laughing so hard.

“And bee’s should take care of bee’s, wight?” Tia chimes in.

“Right,” Lee replies. “Bears take care of bears, bee’s take care of bee’s, bird’s take care of bird’s–”

“And people take care of people!” Sloan interrupts.

“That’s right!” Lee pumps his fist in the air. “Homosapiens take care of Homosapiens.”

“Yeah!” Sloan yelled, pumping his fist in the air victoriously. “Wait…what’s a Home-sapien?”

And THAT, folks, is what happens when Daddy decides to explain.

The End.

Filed Under: blast from the past, Blogging, Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids, Lee, Life, Motherhood, Sloan Tagged With: Fatherhood is funny, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Laughter, Life with kids, When Daddy explains

Things that make you go “Hmmmm….”

January 28, 2013 by Kelli

There are certain phenomena occuring within my home that I don’t understand. Maybe you can help me figure it out.

I mean…seriously.

Seeeeeriously…

I just don’t get it.

I would also like to share my two favorite quotes of the weekend:

Tia and Landon coming to me at 8:30 in the morning with big doe eyes: “Mom, we are weally, weally hungry. Can we have a snack?”

Me: “No, guys. We just ate breakfast.”

Landon: “But we are so hungry!” Collapses on the floor in tears.

Tia: “We need another breakfast.”

Me: “No. Guys, we only eat one breakfast. We’re not Hobbits.”

Lee dissolves in laughter.

*************

Yesterday morning before church as I attempted to cover the bags under my eyes with makeup:

Me: “It’s really not fair that God designed men’s bodies to lose weight when stressed, but when women get stressed we get fatter AND we get zits.

Lee: “Yeah, that really stinks for you guys. You really shouldn’t have eaten that apple in the garden.”

So, tell me friends, what are some things that make you go “Hmmm…?” I need to laugh, so feel free to share the funny with me.

Filed Under: Family, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Motherhood Tagged With: Funny things kids do, Kids do the darndest things, Motherhood, Things that make you go hmmm...

Dreams of revenge are just as sweet

December 19, 2011 by Kelli

Alternately titled: Payback is a Beast

Imagine this scene: You’re lying on a cloud buried beneathe warm, fluffy blankets made of the finest wool. The dark air around you is cool as the nighttime air slow begins to burn off. The sun hasn’t graced the sky with her rays just yet and you relish that dreamy moment between sleep and consciousness. It is peaceful. It is comfortable. It is blissful.

Now imagine that a spindly, gangly child jumps on the cloud with you. He burrows beneathe your blankets, bursting through your warm cocoon with his icy feet and shivering body. He tucks his toes underneath your legs causing you to yelp in surprise and yanking you, rather rudely, out of dreamland in one fell swoop.

Then he turns on the lamp and your eyes, still not fully prepared for wakefulness and accustomed only to the serenity of the dark, go blind. The light pierces through the room with such forcefulness that you wonder if perhaps you will ever be able to see again.

After this he turns to you with his eight year old morning breath and begins talking. Not whispering, mind you, but full out gabbing as if he’s in Grand Central Station during rush hour. Your senses are overwhelmed what with the light and the noise and the icy feet underneath.

Imagine he pulls out a photo album that he wants to look at with you and he wants to discuss every photo from seven years ago down to the very detail.

“I was cute wasn’t I?”

“Oh look how small I was!”

“What were we doing here?”

“How much did you love me then?”

And you want to engage, you really do. But you’re blind…and deaf…and paralyzed.

“Mom, open your eyes and look at this one! Wasn’t that fun? Tell me about it?”

You hear him but you don’t compute. Partly because you’re wondering how on Earth it happened that minutes ago you were sleeping on a cloud and now you’re being attacked before the sun is even lighting the sky an early morning grey. Plus, you’re too busy thinking about other things.

You’re dreaming about the coming day when he’s a teenager and rising before the crack of dawn is no longer exciting. He will long to spend a few extra hours in bed, wrapped in his own cocoon of warmth and then?

Then it’s going to be your turn.

*insert manaical laugh here*

You think of that moment when you can flip on his light and start chattering incessantly about how much you miss him being little and what a sweet baby he was and look at these old pictures, honey!

Maybe you’ll want to stick your icy feet under his covers and watch him gasp and try and get away. Although he’ll probably be bigger than you so that may not be wise, but you could at least yank off the covers and flip on the lamp sitting beside his bed causing light to pierce his eyeballs like hot daggars. You know…just for kicks.

This is all hypothetical, of course.

Or maybe it’s not.

Truthfully, as you envision this blessed payback you know that in reality you will likely never have the opportunity, or the guts, to be so cruel to your child. As the fog of sleep slowly lifts, you change your tactic and instead of dreaming of the day when you can exact sweet revenge, you instead begin praying with an urgency that you haven’t felt or experienced in a long, long time.

Lord, give this boy a child just like him some day.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go have another cup of coffee. After all, I was up before the sun this morning…

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Kids do the darndest things, Motherhood, Sloan Tagged With: Early Risers, Kids do the darndest things, Mama is exhausted, Motherhood and sleep

Hey Mom

November 21, 2011 by Kelli

The boy who doesn’t need sleep pulled a fast one on me the other night. What with his fuzzy head and killer smile, it’s really not that difficult for him to have me at his beck and call, but Saturday night was no less than a supreme use of his killer cuteness.

Supreme.

After keeping him up way too late the night before when we went out to dinner with friends (Friends! We have friends!), Saturday found him in desperate need of a nap almost from the moment he woke up that morning. It is his nature to fight sleep until the very last moment and fight the nap he did.

But finally, he gave up the fight and fell deep into slumber. So deep, in fact, that I could not rouse him to save my life. I picked him up. I shook him. I gave him a cup of juice, which he drank in his sleep. I sat him on the couch and he promptly fell asleep sitting up. He fought waking as much as he did sleeping, which means by the time I finally got him to move around he had had far too long of a nap.

Which led to bedtime disaster.

For over an hour he was up and down and I, who had not been so lucky to get a nap, was at the end of my rope. Using my sternest and firmest mom-voice, I let him know in no uncertain terms that should he set one more toe out of his bed he would suffer the wrath of Zombie Mommy.

He blinked twice, totally not buying my empty and, let’s face it, lame threat.

Thirty minutes later I was piled up in bed with my iPad, gloating in my victory over his near-four-year-old crazy. Lee was out for the night and I finally had a bit of peace and quiet. Until…

I saw his tiny little eyes peek around the corner. I ignored him, hopeful that maybe he would remember my threat (and yes, I actually told him that if he got out of bed I was going to turn into Zombie Mommy…oh yes I did) and abort his current mission to drive me insane. I kept my eyes on my glowing smart board until I heard a soft rustle. I looked down to see him on his stomach on the floor. He was in nothing but a t-shirt and his Buzz Lightyear Underoos and his tiny little spaceman backside stuck up in the air as he army crawled slowly across the floor.

This was better entertainment than the iPad so I continued to watch as he was completely oblivious to my stares. He crawled past the foot of the bed, his raspy breath a complete giveaway of his whereabouts. I heard him crawl to the opposite side of the bed and then it got quiet.

And I waited.

A minute later, I saw his Calvin hair slowly raise up, followed by his white eyebrows and then his saucer blue eyes. He met my stare, his gaze equal parts delicious and mischevious.

“Hey Mom,” he said, his voice all sugary. Then his face broke into a naughty little grin.

And me? Well, I completely lost it and started laughing uncontrollably. He joined in and together we cackled, me at him and him at me. Then he crawled up into bed, snuggled close and fell fast asleep.

As a recap – he disobeyed, I gave empty threats, he disobeyed again, I laughed and he ultimately got what he wanted.

That, folks, is how you get this parenting thing done. If you’re looking for any parenting advice, feel free to ask. Clearly I’ve got this mothering business down…

Filed Under: Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Landon, Motherhood Tagged With: Kids do the darndest things, Motherhood, parenting

He’s made it abundantly clear

March 2, 2011 by Kelli

He really,

really,

hates

taking

his Tamiflu.

Thank God he only has one dose left, although I will miss laughing at him as he gags dramatically…

Filed Under: funny stuff that happens, Kids, Kids do the darndest things, Sickness, Sloan Tagged With: kids and medicine, Kids do the darndest things, Tamiflu

Does this make my butt look big?

October 5, 2010 by Kelli

To all the men who read my blog…you know who you are. I just want you to know that I’m on to you. I’ve almost got you guys figured out. Oh yes I do. I have now birthed two beings of the male persuasion and raising them is giving me unique insight into all of you. Be very afraid.

My most recent insight come to me this morning in the form of my seven year old who has suddenly become very aware of what others think and how his peers perceive him. This is not something that surprised me, although it makes me sad that this awareness has creeped in so young.

This morning I laid out his clothes for him, as I do every morning that he lets me. Some mornings, when he’s feeling particularly ornery and independent he wakes up and dresses before I can get to him. Because it’s chilly out today, I made it a point to get to his clothes before him so that he would wear pants. Because the boy hates pants.

I laid out a pair of loose fitting cargo pants. They were a cotton material and I thought he would like them because they weren’t tight and they fit more like sport pants. I paired them with a Star Wars T-Shirt to sweeten the deal and prepared breakfast. Suddenly Sloan came stomping into the room.

“Mom, I am not wearing these pants,” he huffed.

“Why?” I asked, preparing my argument for why he could, indeed, not wear shorts when it’s 40 degrees outside.

“People will laugh at me,” he replied.

“Why would people laugh? Those pants are cool!”

“No, they’re not,” he moaned, slapping his hand to his forehead.

“Why are they not cool?” I said, stifling a laugh.

“Look at the back,” he said, turning around.

“What’s wrong with it?”

“It makes my butt look big in the mirror!” he wailed.

I let him change into jeans. Then he wanted to change into a tie dye shirt, “because that’s really cool.” I’m trying to win the war, folks…not the battle.

But this just proves that us girls are not the only ones checking out our butts in the mirror. You guys do it too. And you care. You care about image and how you look. This isn’t isolated to my kid, because my husband…he cares too. So does my brother. I’ve kind of been surrounded by the male species most of my life. You care. You check. You build outfits based on the perception of your butt.

Your secret’s out…