Valentine’s Day: The Movie…aka One Hot Mess

Spoiler Alert!  If you’re set on seeing this movie then you probably don’t want to read any further, although you may want to save your money and pass on what I thought was a ridiculous film.  Your choice.

Three years.  That’s the last time Lee and I saw a movie in the theater together.  So yesterday we decided to go see a movie.  We wanted to do something low key, easy and relaxing.  A movie seemed like a good idea.

And what better movie to see on Valentine’s Day than a movie titled…Valentine’s Day?  We expected it to be sappy, cheesy and predictable.  What I didn’t expect, however, was for it to be bad.  Horrible even.

I know that Hollywood is out of touch with the real world.  And there is no better evidence of that fact than the train wreck that was Valentine’s Day.  It was pretty to watch, yes.  The stars were in full force and were all fun to look at, but there was no substance.  And the view of “love” portrayed in the movie?  Ah…pitiful.

In this movie, love was portrayed as sex.  I don’t know that they were intending to give off that message.  In fact, I kind of think they were trying not to convey that exact message, yet everytime characters discussed matters of love, it was done so parallel to the topic of sex.  It was hard to find a separation between the two.  Characters were in and out of bed, married, gay, phone sex operators, in high school and on and on and on.  It was seriously dizzying to try and keep up.

Adding to the ridiculousness of the storylines was the fact that none of them really made sense.  It was like the writer wanted to tell ten stories and somehow had to make all of them connect and the connections were random and haphazard. 

There were teenagers trying to find the perfect time and place to lose their virginity only to decide ultimately that they didn’t want to force a “magical moment” but wanted to let it happen naturally.  The Taylor Swift teenage line?  Pointless, silly and as dumb as her character.

Then there was the story of the angsty, love-starved gay football player (played by McSteamy, aahhh…like I said – the only positive thing I can say about the movie was that I got to ogle Hollywood’s most beautiful men for two hours).  This storyline had no.thing. to do with the overall plot of the movie.  It was political and it felt political and the entire theater laughed out loud when the storyline came to fruition because it was just, well…stoooooopid.

Then there was the adulterous cad played by Patrick Dempsey (McDreamy – I hated seeing him play such punk).  Jennifer Garner and Ashton Kutcher were, perhaps, the only storyline that were vaguely enjoyable (though entirely predictable) to watch.  But most of the story involving those two was just sappy fluff.  It was D-U-M, Dum.

And speaking of adultery, the one couple that seemed to have it all together was the older, supposedly wiser couple who were preparing to renew their wedding vows for their 40th wedding anniversary.  And when counseling the young teenager who was trying to decide when to have sex for the first time it comes out that the wife was unfaithful to her husband years earlier.  They ultimately patch things up and stayed together, but it added to the idea that fidelity is just unattainable so why bother?

And those were just a few of the storylines in this convoluted movie.

As we sat in the crowded theater, I found myself squirming and cringing as I looked down at the row of high school girls sitting in front of us.  Oh the terrible messages they were receiving about love, sex, marriage.  Love isn’t sex and sex isn’t love.  It’s possible to fall in love and stay in love with one person for the rest of your life and *gasp* enjoy it!  

I know…crazy concept, huh?

 There’s so much more I could say about this movie, but I don’t want to so I’ll move on.  But my recommendation?  Save your money and skip this movie.  I wouldn’t even recommend wasting one dollar on it at Redbox.  Seriously, it was that bad.

There you have it – my one movie review.  And given the fact that it will probably be another three years before Lee and I make it back to the theaters, I’ll likely not be offering another for awhile.

*sigh of relief*