Valentine’s Day: The Movie…aka One Hot Mess

Spoiler Alert!  If you’re set on seeing this movie then you probably don’t want to read any further, although you may want to save your money and pass on what I thought was a ridiculous film.  Your choice.

Three years.  That’s the last time Lee and I saw a movie in the theater together.  So yesterday we decided to go see a movie.  We wanted to do something low key, easy and relaxing.  A movie seemed like a good idea.

And what better movie to see on Valentine’s Day than a movie titled…Valentine’s Day?  We expected it to be sappy, cheesy and predictable.  What I didn’t expect, however, was for it to be bad.  Horrible even.

I know that Hollywood is out of touch with the real world.  And there is no better evidence of that fact than the train wreck that was Valentine’s Day.  It was pretty to watch, yes.  The stars were in full force and were all fun to look at, but there was no substance.  And the view of “love” portrayed in the movie?  Ah…pitiful.

In this movie, love was portrayed as sex.  I don’t know that they were intending to give off that message.  In fact, I kind of think they were trying not to convey that exact message, yet everytime characters discussed matters of love, it was done so parallel to the topic of sex.  It was hard to find a separation between the two.  Characters were in and out of bed, married, gay, phone sex operators, in high school and on and on and on.  It was seriously dizzying to try and keep up.

Adding to the ridiculousness of the storylines was the fact that none of them really made sense.  It was like the writer wanted to tell ten stories and somehow had to make all of them connect and the connections were random and haphazard. 

There were teenagers trying to find the perfect time and place to lose their virginity only to decide ultimately that they didn’t want to force a “magical moment” but wanted to let it happen naturally.  The Taylor Swift teenage line?  Pointless, silly and as dumb as her character.

Then there was the story of the angsty, love-starved gay football player (played by McSteamy, aahhh…like I said – the only positive thing I can say about the movie was that I got to ogle Hollywood’s most beautiful men for two hours).  This storyline had no.thing. to do with the overall plot of the movie.  It was political and it felt political and the entire theater laughed out loud when the storyline came to fruition because it was just, well…stoooooopid.

Then there was the adulterous cad played by Patrick Dempsey (McDreamy - I hated seeing him play such punk).  Jennifer Garner and Ashton Kutcher were, perhaps, the only storyline that were vaguely enjoyable (though entirely predictable) to watch.  But most of the story involving those two was just sappy fluff.  It was D-U-M, Dum.

And speaking of adultery, the one couple that seemed to have it all together was the older, supposedly wiser couple who were preparing to renew their wedding vows for their 40th wedding anniversary.  And when counseling the young teenager who was trying to decide when to have sex for the first time it comes out that the wife was unfaithful to her husband years earlier.  They ultimately patch things up and stayed together, but it added to the idea that fidelity is just unattainable so why bother?

And those were just a few of the storylines in this convoluted movie.

As we sat in the crowded theater, I found myself squirming and cringing as I looked down at the row of high school girls sitting in front of us.  Oh the terrible messages they were receiving about love, sex, marriage.  Love isn’t sex and sex isn’t love.  It’s possible to fall in love and stay in love with one person for the rest of your life and *gasp* enjoy it!  

I know…crazy concept, huh?

 There’s so much more I could say about this movie, but I don’t want to so I’ll move on.  But my recommendation?  Save your money and skip this movie.  I wouldn’t even recommend wasting one dollar on it at Redbox.  Seriously, it was that bad.

There you have it – my one movie review.  And given the fact that it will probably be another three years before Lee and I make it back to the theaters, I’ll likely not be offering another for awhile.

*sigh of relief*

Comments

  1. So, I haven’t seen this (and wanted to, so thanks for the heads up!), but your review totally sounds like my opinion of “She’s Just Not That Into You,” which I hated.

  2. K…I’m now of the opinion that I am the only person in the world who really liked the movie. But, maybe it was because I had very low expectations of it?

    I guess my two cents would be that I don’t expect Hollywood to share my perspectives on what Love, real love, looks like. And the other point is that here in the Army, a lot of stuff does look like the stuff in the movie. So it wasn’t that far off from reality to me.

    To people who are Believers in Jesus Christ, yes, that’s not real life or real love and it is good that it makes us sick to see people striving after love (and really they are striving after love and thinking that love is sex, but they keep striving for it because love is not sex). Hopefully, all that striving after love encourages us to help share a picture of what real love DOES look like to a world that doesn’t know.

    I actually saw some glimpses of redemption and some good themes in the movie. The idea that you should speak up for your friend when you see them headed for a bad place because that is what you would want them to do for you, the idea that it’s good to wait to have sex (because ultimately that IS what the teens decided), and the idea that everyone is looking for love. It’s just in the wrong places to quote the song. Additionally, the guy who helped deliver the flowers had a wonderful marriage and he said it was because he married his best friend!

    I laughed and laughed during the movie and while there was a lot of worldliness in the movie, that’s just what I expected. So, that’s my two cents.

  3. True – I don’t expect Hollywood to give us a glimpse of true values by any stretch and my expectations were low going in – but I just found the movie so uncomfortable that it made me squirm. All I could think was that if I knew Tia was seeing that movie as a teen I would be mortified.

    Yes, the teens ultimately decided to wait to have sex, but that message came almost as an after thought. And the way they discussed sex was just so absurd.

    On top of that, I just thought it didn’t make sense, ya know? I mean, how did Jennifer Garner get from San Francisco to LA in time to crash her lover’s dinner date with his wife? And how exactly did the teenager who babysat the little boy have a connection to his grandparents close enough to talk openly about having sex? And the gay storyline – what the heck did that have to do with the plot of the movie at. all? Not to mention Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biehl. They were just fillers.

    It just seemed like the writers wanted to put as many people as possible into a movie and somehow make them connect. I dunno. I was just disappointed.

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