funny stuff that happens | Page 21

Sloan and I were bored this afternoon and the Star Wars figures were sitting in the doll house. We had a good old time making up a very bizarre story.

The Epic Battle Gone Terribly Awry

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, there was a young Jedi knight, Master Ben Kenobi. Trained in the order of the Jedi, Master Kenobi was a special soul with much to offer to the galaxy. As a young man, Master Kenobi came across a boy who showed great potential for good use as a Jedi and so Master Kenobi took this boy, nourished him and trained him and the boy did indeed grow into a bold and fearless Jedi.

But the boy, Anakin, was brash and impulsive. Those qualities were a great hindrance to his quest in the Jedi order. There was a darkness in him that Master Kenobi desperately tried to tame, but it was no use. Anakin Skywalker gave himself over to the dark side losing nearly all of his human form.

More robot than man, he took on the name Darth Vader and became a fierce and powerful enemy. Master Kenobi was, understandably, disappointed and pained that his star pupil became the very epitome of evil and he took it upon himself to search down his wayward student and destroy him once and for all. Thus began an epic battle.

But Master Kenobi underestimated Vader’s strength and power and he was quickly defeated.

Stealing Kenobi’s light saber, Darth Vader swiftly cut off his former master’s arm. In a most uncharacteristic moment of sympathy, Darth Vader left Kenobi to die alone rather than finishing him off.

Summoning his last ounce of strength, Master Kenobi used the force to pull himself up off the ground and, cradling his limp stub of an arm in his good hand, he fled the galaxy and sped to a foreign and new place where he intended to leave his failures and shame behind him.

For many dark days, Master Kenobi wandered through the rugged, thick terrain, wasting from lack of food and losing his will to survive. But, though he no longer had the mystical power of the force to back him up, he did have physical strength that allowed him to push forward despite extreme weakness.

Then he came upon a most strange and beautiful sight. A large palace unlike any he had ever seen. Pulling his weak frame up, Master Kenobi stumbled to the bizarre structure.

Raising his hand, Master Kenobi rapped three times on the solid door. When it opened, he found himself staring into the bewildered eyes of a beautiful woman holding two screaming babies in her arms. Explaining his situation and his need for shelter and work, the woman nodded her head and told him she had just the job for him.

Master Kenobi, however, was not prepared for the task that was quickly thrust upon him.

Due to this family’s extreme lifestyle, it appeared that the parents were in desperate need of someone to watch their children while they both worked.

Thus, Master Kenobi became Ben-Ben the Manny.

He discovered quickly that he was not well suited for this job. Within the first day, he lost one of the children, a small boy who was quick and sneaky. The girl was a little more manageable, but a handful nonetheless. Ben-Ben sang to her each night, a soft melody that, try as he might, he could not bring himself to stop humming. It was the same melody he had sung to his protege so many years earlier.

One of the more difficult details of his job required changing the constantly full diapers of his young charge. This was all the more difficult due to Ben-Ben’s abnormally small size in comparison to the child. Ben-Ben grew so tired of this cumbersome task that he decided to teach the child the art of using an adult facility.

Unfortunately, this did not go well and Ben-Ben found he had greater messes to clean up. He quickly put the child back in diapers and sent her on her way.

Ben-Ben sighed as he cleaned the bathroom, wondering how his life had taken such a drastic turn.

Looking intently in the mirror, Ben-Ben tried to conjure up the image of his former self. A man full of confidence and self-assurance. A man who was a truely gifted Jedi Master. But, try as he may, Ben-Ben could not summon the force. It’s power took no effect in these strange circumstances.

Every evening, as Ben-Ben slaved over dinner and baked endlessly, he tried to remember the skill that had once been so natural to him.

He sighed dramatically as he set the meals in front of his employers, both of whom took to ignoring him when he lost their son. They now only stared at him with half-smiles frozen on their plastic-like faces. It was unnerving…

The only solice Ben-Ben found were his daily moments of peace in the garden that he had cultivated. It gave him a sense of purpose and skill closely akin to the Jedi powers he had once taken such pride in. In those quiet moments, Ben-Ben felt like Master Kenobi once more.

At night, when the baby was asleep and the house was clean, Ben-Ben lounged on the couch, letting the sweet sounds of Johnny Coltrane and B.B. King wash through his soul. He wondered if perhaps these men were master’s of the force, their music so moved his aching soul.

And of course, every night before bed, Ben-Ben stood at his balcony and looked out at the glimmering, flickering stars that dotted the black sky. He thought of his galaxy, so very far away, and wished that he, once again, could be a great and mighty Jedi Knight.

So, my friends, will Ben Kenobi ever gain back his use of the force and return to his proper position as a leader of the Jedi Order? Only time will tell…

Filed Under: Family, funny stuff that happens, Random Tagged With: Master Kenobi

What was I thinking?

September 9, 2008 by Kelli

A few months into our marriage, I got the crazy, horrific idea that I wanted to be a brunette. This was during a time when several previously blonde movie stars had gone brunette and I thought surely I’d look as good as they did. I told Lee what I was thinking and he was all, “Cool! Great idea! Can I help pick out the color?”

So, we packed our classy selves up and headed to the local Walgreens because where else would a fabulous makeover begin but in the aisle’s of a chain pharmacy? After scouring over the different choices of hair color, we found a brilliant auburn that we both liked. The girl on the front of the box looked beautiful, breezy and very natural. I felt confident as I shelled out my 10 bucks that I was fast approaching a new, radient me.

Upon returning home, Lee had to head off to work and I decided to go ahead and get the process going. We had only one car at that time for some reason that I can’t recall, so he just dropped me off and I assured him that I would be a sexy brunette when he returned.

I quickly tore into the box and applied the hair color, then sat down and waited for the 25 minutes to pass. Finally, with much excitement, I rushed back into the bathroom and checked my hair. I knew immediately that this was not going to turn out as I’d hoped. My head had a blackish purple color to it. I quickly jumped into the shower and tried not to panic as I saw the dark, very dark color, swirling at my feet. Upon getting out and drying my hair, I began shaking and an actual panic attack set in.

My hair was not the sexy brown of the girl on the box, but was actually a dark, almost purple color. I looked like some punk goth kid out to prove to her parents and the world that reality does indeed bite.

So I called Lee and tearfully told he needed to come home now, which he did and promptly began laughing his head off. And, God help me, I tried to laugh with him, but it’s really hard to laugh when you’re bawling. So, after Lee composed himself, we headed to the mall (mistake number 2) and I walked into a Regis hair salon and shamefully asked if they’d bleach it out. Instead, they tried to just lighten the color so as not to damage my hair with bleach. An hour and a half later, I had red and orange stripes in my hair and I was sobbing…again. They finally bleached my hair.

At this point my scalp was bleeding and my hair was a very vibrant orange. Think Tony the Tiger – on crack. I paid my $220.00 and walked out with my head hanging low. I would go back the next day to try and correct the color but for the time being, they wanted me to let my head rest from all the chemicals.

Ya think?

Naturally, I had to work the next morning, and guess what? I was a gymnastics coach, which meant I couldn’t wear a hat. So I walked into the gym, my neon orange hair clashing horribly with my bright red cheeks. Of course, every kid in there stared unabashedly. And to top it off I worked with almost all russians. I love russians and their blatent honesty as every single one of them asked me what in God’s name I had done to my hair.

Humiliation in two languages! Perfect.

As soon as I got off, I raced back to the salon where they semi-fixed my hair. But I swear, it’s never been the same…
I know this is a terrible picture. The original is in a .tif format and I’m completely computer illliterate so all I could do was print this picture out and scan it in as a .jpeg. You get the idea though…