Grounds for Divorce?

A picture of my little natural.

Last night I wandered into the family room to find Lee watching The Natural on TV. I sat down on the couch and watched Robert Redford swing the bat a few times, then turned to look at him.

Me: “So what’s going on here?”

Lee (eyes wide): “Have you never seen The Natural?”

Me: “Well, I’ve seen bits and pieces, but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen the whole thing from beginning to end.”

Lee: “I can’t even believe I married you.”

Me: “Is he about to get shot?”

Lee: “No. He gets shot at the beginning of the movie. This is the end.”

Me: “Oh. Then why is his side bleeding like that?”

Lee: “He…(sigh)he had surgery.”

Me: “Oh….well, I do know that it was Barbara Hershey who shot him.”

Lee (heaves a long, impatient sigh): “Yes. Barbara Hershey shot him.”

Me: “Who’s that blonde chick in the box up there?”

Lee: “That’s Kim Basinger.”

Me: “Well I know it’s Kim Basinger. But who is she in the movie. Why is she crying?”

Lee: “It would really be helpful if you watched the movie from the beginning.”

Me: “You know, I did see the whole thing once. One of my teachers in high school played it in class.”

Lee: “Were you sleeping or something?”

Me: “No. I was flirting with a cute senior. I can’t remember his name, but I remember he was on the baseball team.”

Lee: “A dude on the baseball team was more interested in flirting with you than watching The Natural? Weirdo.”

Me: “I was very beguiling back then. Man…I wish I could remember his name. He was really cute.”

Lee (muttering): “I guess.”

Me: “So why do you think this is such a great movie? I mean, it’s not even historically accurate, right? This isn’t a true story, is it?”

Lee: “No, it’s not a true story, but it’s just so awesome. I mean, it’s a great story. Great writing. Great acting. Great music.” He starts humming along to the music.

Me: “Huh. Well, why is Roy Hobbs so much older than everyone else?”

Lee: “Because he got shot and left the game for a long time. But he used to be a real up and comer. In fact, he once struck out the Great Bambino.”

Me: “Well, if he struck out Babe Ruth, then why doesn’t anyone know who he is?”

Lee: “Because…you know what, you just need to watch the movie. I can’t explain it all.”

Me: “Oh! Is this the part where he hits a Grand Slam to win the game?”

Lee: “He doesn’t hit a Grand Slam. There are only two runners on base.

Me: “He doesn’t hit a Grand Slam?! What’s so exciting about the ending then? This movie doesn’t make any sense. There are just too many holes in the plot. I don’t get why boys consider it the greatest movie ever.”

Lee: “I’m gonna need you to stop talking.”

Me: “Man, I really thought he hit a Grand Slam at the end. This is a let down.”

Lee: “I’m going to bed.”

He did go straight to bed, shocked and saddened and entirely baffled by my lack of knowledge. I, on the other hand, went to bed trying to remember the cute baseball player’s name who prevented me from seeing this movie the first time.

So I have now added, “Watch The Natural from beginning to end” on the Bucket List of things to do before I die. I kind of think I have to to save my marriage.

For those of you who would like to watch the last homerun (which according to my husband is “just so emotional and awesome and exciting and cool”), here you go. BUT BE WARNED: He does not hit a Grand Slam here. That knowledge has forever ruined my feelings about this movie.

The good news is that I am still beguiling and despite my lack of knowledge or love for the alleged “greatest movie of all time” I can still charm my husband. So…score one for me.

Comments

  1. It’s difficult, almost impossible, to deny who you really are. FYI, I have never seen The Natural either. Although I still watch some college ball, the baseball strikes of years past made me swear off pro baseball forever. Difficult as it is a game I love and played back in the day. My bucket list doesn’t include any movies, just lots of time in tree stands and adventures with Corinne. Luv ya!

  2. Um, I’ve never seen that movie either and I have no idea what you are talking about. But, uh….I think the equivalent for Jeremy would be if I’d never seen Rudy or something footbally like that..

    • Have you seen Rudy?! If not, I think you should watch it, STAT! (I have seen it. I found it terribly boring. Don’t tell Lee…)

      😉

  3. Lee Stuart says:

    This is painfully numbing…..what wife interrupts her husband while watching The Natural? That is clearly written in scripture, 2nd Hessitation,”and the Lord cast out the woman from Eden because of her great ignorance of the saving knowledge of The Natural”. Need I say more WOMEN. There are three great sins of this world; 1. The lack of sufficient icing on a cupcake, rendering the last few bites with only bland cupcake with no icing to attend it. 2. Probing your belly-button with your index finger, only to take a smell and be delighted by its fragrance. 3. Interrupting a MAN watching THE NATURAL and trying to figure out the plot without seeing the whole movie. Of these sins, there is no forgiveness. Last night, I almost lost my wife………it was touch and go there for a while…

    • FOR THE RECORD! I have never dug my finger in my belly button. That’s disgusting…

      Secondly, equal grounds for divorce is waking your wife up before 8:00 on her rare kidless morning by blaring the Gaithors and dancing around the room. I’m scouring the Bible for back up, but I’m fairly certain there’s something there to support this belief.

      So…I think it’s safe to say we can call it even.

      I love ya honey. Winky wink. 😀

    • Renee Burney says:

      Bahahaha! You two are some of the funniest people I know. Sounds like a scenario I might have with my husband….only either I am the one watching a sports movie (he does not like sports) or he is watching some incredibly boring documentary on the use of the railroad during the Revolutionary War….I don’t even know if they had railroads that early….that is how boring it is.

      • Lee Stuart says:

        Once again, railroads were vital during the revolutionary war. Renee, not knowing this is unacceptable. Your husband is awesome. He and I both share a love for the documentary on railroads. Once again, to quote the bible, 5th Clamentations clearly states, “a woman not versed in the wholly necessaries of rail transportation shall live in the out-house for a fortnight.” I hate to say it but railroads ARE that important.

  4. melcable says:

    oh man, it is such a good movie, and guess what, I’ve seen it a ton and Ritchey hasn’t, or maybe once. I’ve even had bible study books refer to scenes in it, so get with it Kel 🙂

    • Whatever. Your husband is a pastor and he hasn’t seen it. I don’t buy it. I’m gonna stand in solidarity with Ritchey on this one.

  5. How in the world does that scene let you down? It makes me smile even now after seeing it many, many times!

    Lee-I got your back on this one! Although your scripture writing is ummmm…well, interesting to say the least, I completely agree with this “great sin”. 1. The lack of sufficient icing on a cupcake, rendering the last few bites with only bland cupcake with no icing to attend it. I’m weird, I’l just go ahead and say that up front, but I pull off the bottom of the cupcake and go ahead and eat that, so that there is plenty of icing left for the rest of the cupcake. Does that makes sense? That way, I’m not left with disappointment at the end, I go ahead and get that over with. 🙂
    Love you guys and I hope you make it to Arkansas sometime during the holidays!

    • For half my life I’ve thought he was hitting a Grand Slam. It’s just not as cool now that I know he’s not. It’s like everything I ever knew to be true was a lie…or some kind of less exaggerated form of that.

      I have to use two tubs of icing for every one batch of cupcakes I make in order to please him. You guys clearly descend from the same bloodline.

      Hopefully after Christmas we will make it up there for a few days! 🙂

  6. I’ve seen it. But then, I think I’m a little older than you and it came out when I was in high school. So maybe that’s why…anyways…I’ve seen it. And I don’t get it.

    Probably because I hate baseball. Well…I don’t hate it. I love to go to baseball games. I just hate watching them on tv because the only thing more boring than watching them on tv is watching golf on tv. Or QVC.

    Now I will watch “For Love Of The Game” because hellooo…Kevin Costner. So I totally think that should count in my favor of not being cast into the ninth ring of hell.

    • Yes. I liked Field of Dreams. That’s a baseball movie. I should get some points for that…

      • Totally. Because you know…if you build it…they will come and play a live game right in your living room.

        Or something like that. I think.

  7. I have never seen that movie and have no plans to. I would rather (over-sharing alert!) dig in someone else’s belly-button than suffer through an entire baseball movie. Add this to my detestation of Frank Sinatra AND the Gaithers and this is where Lee decides I am dead to him.

    Kelli, Hysterectomy 8:32: “and the Lord God said to them, ‘Your wives have suffered long enough at the hands of the ancient familial gospel praise bands. See now, I have set before you new music. No longer shalt thou defile thine iPods.”

  8. Lee Stuart says:

    Jenni,
    You are dead to me. And digging in someone else’s belly button is just disgusting.

  9. That clip is worth watching just because of Robert Redford alone. Who cares if it was a grand slam or not….he’s eye candy! 🙂

    • Well that’s the truth. Robert Redford, back in the day, was yummy to look at…but so was this boy in whatever class we were watching the movie in and he was real life, so he won over Robert. 😉

  10. My husband told me the other day he’s not sure we would have made if I didn’t like to watch sports, particularly Cardinals baseball and college basketball in general, specifically Kentucky and Murray State. 10 years down … and I probably should tell him I haven’t seen The Natural.

    • What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, Kristin. No reason to say anything about it…

      When Lee found out I never attended a single basketball game in high school or college I crushed a piece of his soul. Sometimes it’s better to just let them believe all is well in the world.

  11. I love Robert Redford!!

Trackbacks

  1. […] I also think that this MORE than makes up for the shock and horror I caused during our conversation about The Natural. […]