Thirty-four

I’m not one of those people who is embracing age with verve and gusto. Forget all the wisdom and knowledge and experience that comes with each passing year. All I see are wrinkles and blah, blah, blah…

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.

There are fun things about getting older, but most of them center around the fun ages of my children and where we are as a family. But just the plain old process of getting older? Meh. I’m not a fan. So…in honor of me growing one year wiser older, I present you with my very own….

Top Ten List of Signs You’re Getting Old

*drumroll please*

10.) Your left hip pops every time you walk up a flight of staris. Only if you turn your foot out *just so* and walk up the stairs at a sort of sideways angle, the popping stops. Then you just look weird and your eight year old asks loudly why you’re walking so funny so that everyone looks at you and you have to walk up like a normal, not-getting-old person and deal with the popping. Obviously this is just hypothetical…

Ahem.

9.) You get excited by things like Crock Pots and Foreman Grills. Let me repeat that – CROCK POTS EXCITE YOU!

*If someone would please just pass me my cane*

8.) You visit the eye doctor and he prescribes readers, which causes you to envision punching him in the teeth, but you don’t because you’re older and responsible and your children are watching.

Plus, you know, it’s not nice to punch people in the teeth, which in general is a pretty good rule of thumb to live by no matter what age you are, don’t you think?

7.) You call anyone between the ages of 18 and 25 “kids.”

Really? REALLY?! Weren’t you just one of them?

(The answer to that is a resounding NO.)

6.) You see the aforementioned “kids” and feel like you could easily merge right into a group of them and be accepted, and mistaken for, one of them. Then you look in the mirror and realize that, indeed, you could not. Nope. Nuh-uh. No way. Not gonna happen, Grandma! 

5.) You find a new wrinkle every day and no matter how much silicone is inside your jar of face cream, they don’t seem to be fading.

4.) You train everyone in your house to automatically mute all commercials because Oh my heavens the noise. You also find yourself muttering more than once about the general decline of society thanks to television and you reminisce about when you were little and there were only a few stations, which meant you didn’t spend all day sitting in front of the TV because there really wasn’t anything to watch anyway.

3.) You are always quick to join any conversation that involves current gas prices or the economy.

2.) It physically pains you to type “LOL” on anything and “ROFL,” “LMBO,” “LMFAO” and other such acronyms nearly send you into spasms from the sheer ridiculousness of it all. And for heavens sake don’t even get you started on “text talk.” Is it really that hard to hit two more letters to spell the word “you?”

*seriously – forget calling me Grandma. Just jump right in to calling me Mamaw*

(For some reason, though, OMG does not bother you, but instead gives you the giggles. Especially when you hear a little girl, who has obviously been trained well not to take the Lord’s name in vain, utter loudly and proudly, “O-M-Goodness.” )

Bless her sweet heart.

1.) You spend the morning cleaning out the floorboards of your minivan…and you’re actually excited about it.

And there you have it – my Top Ten List of Signs You’re Growing Old.

I know, I know. 34 is not that old. Age is just a number.

Whatever. I’ll believe you tomorrow.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got anti-aging cream to apply and a minivan to clean.

Any of you have anything to add to that list?