If the neighbors didn’t think we were crazy before…

Do you know what responsible adults do? They stay home, skip the beach on a gorgeous Sunday, and do respectable things like mow the lawn and trim the hedges.

That’s what responsible adults do and that’s what we did today. Despite a ridiculously amazing day and more than one invitation to head to the beach, we waved our hands proudly and said “No thanks. We are going home to do responsible stuff.”

So it was that after church we made our way home where we were greeted by a ready meal in the Crock Pot (responsible). Apparently it’s Star Wars week ’round these parts so a marathon was playing on TV. I set up a picnic for the kids in front of the TV because not only am I responsible, but I’m also fun.

Oh yes I am.

After a bit of relaxing, we put on our super responsible hard work caps and set to cleaning up the yard. A few days ago we discovered that our leaf blower and electric hedge trimmer had been stolen out of our garage (awesometown) so I grabbed a pair of manual hedge trimmers and spent the next two hours painstakingly clipping away at the bushes.

I’m typing this post with my chin because I can’t feel or move my forearms.

As I worked at taming the hedges that were slowly choking the life out of our house, Lee hopped on the mower and cut back our jungle of a yard. My, what a respectable pair we made, cleaning up the outside of our home, making it a haven for all who come to visit.

(Please come visit us.)

(Seriously. Florida is awesome.)

(And our hedges are trimmed.)

On one side of our house, not only had the hedges grown to embarrassing impressive heights, but so had the weeds. I think at one point I may have cut down Jack’s Beanstalk.

As I leaned in to pull out a rather pesky weed I felt something prick hard into my skin. I thought it was a branch so I moved to the side, but the stinging grew more intense and then I realized that I wasn’t near any branches and I looked on my shoulder and saw a wasp the size of my head staring at me.

He was all, “Wad up, yo? I’m stingin’ yo a…”

I didn’t hear the rest of his sentence because I started to scream and swat and run high legged through the yard and the wasp was screaming too, probably because I was screaming, but maybe also because I was hitting him. After he flew away I ran a few more circles around the yard for good measure and to send a message to all the other wasps that I was not to be messed with.

It’s at this point that I began to wonder what the neighbors must have been thinking.

Oh, and for the record, wasp stings hurt. A lot. If you tell your kids they don’t hurt, you’re lying.

Anyway, back to the hedges. I picked the trimmer back up and snapped away at the bushes with a vengence. Anger motivated me to push past the pain and trim the heck out of those branches. Then the kids came screeching around the corner.

“SNAKE!”

I had just been stung by a wasp so I had no interest in dealing with another of God’s creatures.

“IN THE GARAGE!”

“Tell your Dad,” I said through clenched teeth.

A few minutes later, the mower stops. We all remember what happens when Lee feels the need to defend the homestead from predators, right? If you haven’t read the story I will give you a short, two-word synopsis:

Possom. Crowbar.

So I wasn’t surprised when Sloan came running around the corner with wide eyes. “Dad needs you,” he said.

My husband wanted me to help him catch a four foot snake. I felt it would be more helpful if I just took pictures of him capturing it. Then the kids and I screamed endlessly as he chased it down and hacked at it with the passion of a man defending his family against the greatest of beasts.

That’s when our brand new neighbor came running across the street. And when I say brand new, I mean they moved in yesterday. Apparently screaming women and crying children is classified as “comotion” these days. He found me snapping pictures of my husband hacking the head off of a snake (and yelping) with our three children crying in horror around us.

Responsible.

Respectable.

We firmly believe in making a good first impression… 

Yes, that's the snake's head...

In my house...

Comments

  1. Oh, I need this laugh tonight. Thank you! Hope the rest of your responsible day was much less eventful!

    • Well I just finished a margarita, which makes the snake head lying on my kitchen floor a tiny bit more funny. :)

  2. Michelle says:

    Don’t kill the snakes. Really. They kill the other things that are much worse than snakes. In Florida…. snakes are your friend (especially if they’re only the black ones). You’d rather have snakes (that don’t bite) than the other things scurrying around when the sun goes down. Think of the black snakes as the really, really good guys. :-)

    • For the record, I tried to tell him that but I think he gets an odd amount of pleasure out of killing things. :) HA!

  3. Seriously, I would’ve been in the house babying the wasp sting, quite possibly threatening never to leave the house again and there you are hacking at bushes and taking pictures…you go girl!!

    I think it’s comedian Brian Regan that says nothing makes you look stupider to other people from a distance as swinging around batting at a bee or walking through a spider web :D

    • Ha! That is so true. The panicked flail brought on by stinging creatures sends all our cool right out the door. It’s all about survival. :)

  4. Hi Kelli! It’s the toughest job to be a responsible mother and wife but it seems that you are enjoying the hectic schedule of the entire day with lots of jobs what is really very nice. As I’m a very sluggish person I like to see the energetic person and women are more inspiring to me because they have to manage more than man. Good luck for you and your lovely family. Keep the strength up :) .

  5. You are nuts.

    The end.

    (it’s why I keep coming back)

  6. Thanks you for this! We just moved into a new, more-respectable-than-we-are neighborhood, and I’m trying hard not to reveal too much of our crazy too soon. Once we unleash the crazy, I’ll just think of this and remind myself that at least we’re not running around like a chicken (snake?) with its head cut off while nursing a wasp sting. ;)

    I think we lost cool points, though, and gained they-might-be-witches points when neighbors on either side of our house died the night after we moved in. True (and creepy) story. So maybe it doesn’t matter what we do at this point as long as none of the other neighbors die soon?

    • Ha! Yes. As long as everyone stays alive you are probably in good shape. I don’t recommend running around with a shovel hacaking the heads off of innocent creatures any time soon, though. Just to be on the safe side… :)

  7. Karen says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH….ahem….I mean SO sorry about your adventures! :-)

  8. Traci says:

    I tried hard not to laugh. Really I did.
    bwahahahahahahah

    Thanks for the laugh!

  9. BEST. POST. EVER. I think I just wet myself laughing. And I will keep laughing at the thought of that wasp being all like, “Yo wadup?” And then Shannon’s comment cracked me up too.

    But I have to agree with Michelle. Do NOT kill the snakes!!! That looked like a black racer, the best snake in the bidness. They are very territorial and will chase off all the other snakes AND since he was in your garage he might have chased off the person who wants to steal your other lawn equipment. Seriously. If you see another one call me and I will personally come and relocate him (her?) for you. I promise. We have one who has lived here as long as we have. The only thing I don’t like is when he hides in the hose reel and I accidentally bang his head around as I unroll the hose which causes him to make a dive for the safety of my arm.

    • Candy martin says:

      Jenni, you don’t realize the harm we can do to ourselves in trying to get away from that snake. I know there harmless snakes, but I have been known to injure myself running from a roach!! If the “good” snakes would only wear white hats to let us know they are there for good, it might help!

    • Jenni, if a snake ever jumps at me from a coiled hose I will die.

      Diiiiiiieeeeeee.

      I’m calling you next time because honestly I just really want to see you relocate a snake.

      • Candy martin says:

        Don’t forget what deceived Eve in the garden. I’m just sayin!!!

    • Banging a snake head. Oh my. Lol

  10. this is stinkin’ hilarious! but not the wasp part. you recall Brody’s wasp attack last Summer? Poor dude. He’s a little worried about heading up to the lake in less than three weeks now.

    • Poor guy. I stepped in a nest of yellow jackets when I was a kid and got stung eleven times. I still haven’t recovered from that trauma. In fact, I think this wasp was the first thing to sting me since them because I usually cause such a scene trying to get away from them. :)

  11. JoAnna says:

    Three cheers to Lee for beheading that snake and saving the family!
    I