Pull up a chair and join us, won’t you, around the kitchen table (actually, if I’m gonna get technical, it’s an island, but whatever.  I mean, really, that’s neither here nor there). 

It’s time to work on a little grammar.  It will be fun!  We’re gonna conjugate verbs…in russian*.  Just you, me and the six year old…

Pretend you’re a fly on the wall…or the screen.  Of course, you don’t have to pretend to be anything if you don’t want to.  You can just sit there and read out loud…or to yourself.  It’s up to you.  Sheesh…let’s move on.

“Okay, buddy.  We’re going to learn about verbs tonight.” 

“What’s a verb?” 

“It’s a word that has action.  A word that moves.”

“Words can move?”

“No.  I mean, well…yes.  It’s a word that shows action.”

“What’s action?”

“Action?  Uh, well…action is movement.”

“Oh…” Clear confusion.  He’s not understanding.  It probably doesn’t help that I’m switching back and forth between Russian and English as I try to explain this to him.  I stick with English for a minute because God help me I cannot explain a verb in Russian.

“Okay – run.  That word has action.  When you run you’re moving, right?”

“Right!”

Score one for mommy.  I’m starting to feel good.  I can do this – I can teach this kid to conjugate a verb in a foreign language…oh yes I can.

“Great.  Talk – that’s a word with action.  Play, stand, drive…all these words have actions.  Can you think of a word with action?”

“Telephone!”

*awkward pause and the feeling of unbridled grammatical success from half a second before pffffts out like a stiff balloon.  “Nnnnooo.  A telephone is a noun.”

“What’s a noun?”

Oh geez.

“A noun is a person, a place or a thing.  It’s doesn’t have action.  It doesn’t move-but that’s not what we’re learning. We’re learning verbs today.You can talk on a telephone, right?”

“Right!  Hey – can I call my friend Chris on the phone?”

“Focus, Sloan. Look in my eyes. Okay (here I switch back to Russian) now we’re going to work on verbs in Russian.  Let’s start with Want.  How do you say ‘I Want’ in Russian?”

“Ya Hochu.”

Feeling of success eases back, this time a bit more cautiously.

“Maladyetz! Very good.  Now how do you think you would say ‘You Want’ in Russian?”

*Long pause.  He’s thinking about it.  I see the wheels turning behind his eyes.  I can almost taste victory.  Then he breaks out in a wide grin. 

“You Vant,” he says in English but using a russian accent.

(sigh)  I think I might be in over my head.

*for the record, I didn’t learn to start conjugating verbs until I was in college and truth be told I wasn’t very good at it then and I’m not great at it now.  In Russian, there is a different ending for every verb depending on if it’s plural or singular, present, past or future tense.  And those endings vary based upon the words, meaning that while there’s a basic model to follow, every word is different and you just have to learn how to say the words correctly.

Tonight we worked on the present tense verbs ‘To Want,’ ‘To Whisper,’ ‘To Scream,’ and ‘To Cry.’

Tomorrow we will work on the future tense.

I think my head might explode.