And then the road bends

Two days before “K” left, I found myself feeling sick. My stomach hurt, my head hurt, and I just didn’t feel right. I quickly chalked it up to the stress of putting her back on a plane, and the insanity of a month-long adventure that left me feeling run down and overwhelmed.

Just to be sure, though, I bought a pregnancy test to see if there was anything…bigger going on.

Negative.

I tossed the stick in the garbage can and moved on, perfectly content with the knowledge that I was likely a little over-stressed. But there was this nagging thought in the back of my mind that kept rolling around, pushing it’s way out at night when the room got dark and the world quieted.

What if the test was wrong?

For years now (and by years, I mean yeeeaaarrrrssss) I’ve felt completely certain that our family was incomplete. The feeling was so strong that some days I would pull out of the driveway and look frantically in the back seat to see who I’d left behind. I’d look at photographs and feel so certain that someone was missing from them.

I knew the day I brought Landon home from the hospital that he would not be my last child. I just knew it. I was certain at the time, however, that I would not give birth to another child. So certain that I gave away all the baby stuff I owned except for the infant carrier and the crib because sentimentality wouldn’t give me permission to let go.

I was wrong.

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It’s no secret that my heart lies firmly with adoption, and my first choice would have been to further expand out family in that way. But for reasons I don’t fully understand, God had a different plan.

And don’t think for a single second that I haven’t mulled over the irony of the fact that we conceived a child while hosting a Ukrainian teenager in our home. I’m fairly certain God chuckled to Himself as He knit that one into the tapestry.

I digress…

After we put “K” on her plane, the feeling that something was up intensified. It was a combination of feeling queasy and exhausted, so I decided to check just one more time for peace of mind. Lee went to church that Sunday morning without me, and I ran to the store, picked up the cheapest test I could find, and came home. After I took the test, I started cleaning, and…well, I forgot about it.

I was so certain it would be negative again.

I was wrong. (I mentioned that already, right?)

That was nearly a month ago, and in these last few weeks Lee and I have slowly adjusted to this new development. It’s not that I didn’t want this, because there was a part of me that always liked the idea of having just one more.

There was another part of me, though, that didn’t really want to start from square one. And there is was a HUGE part of me that did not want to go through another pregnancy. Some women love pregnancy – I am not one of them.

So yes, the part of me that liked the idea of having a baby is excited. The part of me that longs to adopt is disappointed. These are conflicting emotions that will need to be worked through. I don’t doubt God’s plan for our family one bit.

I also don’t think that He’s done leading us down the path of orphan care. I don’t know what form that will take now, but I know this:

I am open to anything.

When we started our adoption journey, we did so on a very safe path. We wanted a child as young as possible, with as few issues as possible. It was what we felt we could handle. Now?

I wouldn’t say no to anything anymore. This is a freeing place to be, honestly. I am so open to whatever path the Lord leads us down, whether that be raising awareness, working with a ministry, taking trips to serve children in need, hosting orphans, fostering, adopting older or younger or special needs. Nothing scares me.

I feel free.

I also feel pregnant. For the time being, this is our path. We will continue to raise the children that the Lord has blessed us with joyfully and gratefully, and with all the wisdom that He chooses to reign down on us. And who knows? Maybe I’ll have the privilege of being an adoptive grandmother someday. Wouldn’t that be grand…

So that’s the story of where we are now. Life is full of surprises, isn’t it?!

(Come back tomorrow and I’ll share a bit of how our kids reacted to the news. I will also share my observations on pregnancy after having a loooooong break in between babies. Did you know at 35 I am considered of  ”mature maternal age?” HUMPH…)

Comments

  1. Leslie Winterberg says:

    Right there with you on those mature mother tests- x2. I can also join you in those looonnng breaks between kids- those comments dont every go away- so be prepared! But I also have found myself a different (older) parent in both good and bad ways!

    Congratulations to you and your family! Always a blessing… and I will come over and get the kids any afternoon so you can nap…. that is one thing I will never forget- the overwhelming tiredness (exhaustion) those first few months…..

    • Yes. I’m laying in bed as I type this comment. I am so tired! :) Thanks, Leslie. I have thought of you several times as I’ve considered the fact that I am going to graduate a child from high school with another one still in elementary school. Whaaat?!

      :)

  2. candy martin says:

    So excited to have another grand baby to snuggle. Dad and I both thought about how old we will be when this baby turns 10 and we do the birthday trip. Whew…I better get in shape now, and pray this child will have no interest in hiking or climbing mountains (or roller coasters). I am still trembling over the fact that I may have to do Mount Everest at Disney with Tia when we do our trip in March!

    • Haha! That’s right! You guys are going to have to stay active and healthy because that kid will have a LOT of time to think about what he/she wants to do for the big trip. :)

  3. Nothing better than having a baby in our “mature” age! Now that I have the gray hairs to prove I have a little more wisdom at this parenting thing, it is easier to savor each moment and snuggle hard because on the other side, I know just how fast they grow. I am pretty stoked that little Asher will now have a cousin his age to hang with! Love you and praying daily for sweet baby #4.

  4. carol prosser says:

    Oh Kelly! I am so happy for you! You are so blessed to be having another baby! And this baby will be so blessed to join your sweet family! I can also relate! I SO wanted to adopt! I remember counting how many cribs we could fit in our house for baby girls from China. I too, did not feel that our family was complete with 3. I too, believed that we would adopt to complete our family. I too, felt very tired and yucky during Christmas and chocked it up to the busy season. I was 38 at the time. The Lord blessed us with Ashley and I am so grateful! And yes, the Lord did grant the desire of my heart to adopt as an adotive grandma! I will warn you, however, that the ache for more children did not go away until I was well into my 50s….
    Enjoy this time! It is a miracle and blessing to cary a child! I am so happy for all of you!!!!

    • Thanks, Carol. Really, talking to you this summer gave me such a peace and hope about our future with adoption. I had never considered being an adoptive grandma before you mentioned that. Now I think that would be pretty dang cool. Love you so much! Thanks for continuing to love me!

  5. Kelli-
    Congratulations! Love, love, love how God inspired this one for you and your family!
    I share some of the same feelings, did not feel complete when we had our 3rd. Then at 35 along came number 4! It is a blessing, though I am much slower and patient. My children love to remind me how old I will be by the time they all leave the nest! But the others are so right, I cherish those special moments so much more! I look into his 12 year old eyes deeper and longer! :)
    Robin

  6. I can’t wait to shoot your baby! You know, like with a Canon. Camera, that is. ;-)

  7. I’m so excited for you guys!!! (and sad you are ending this blog!) I’ll be sure to keep up on your next adventures as long as you’re posting into cyberspace! :) Good luck with the pregnancy!!!!

    • I will be posting in cyberspace, because I am addicted to this space. And seriously, one of the first things I thought when I found out I was pregnant, after WHAT THE HUH?! was Cool! More blog fodder. :)

  8. Kelli, I’m SUPER excited for you!!! Congratulations!!! Yay!!!

    (My youngest brother is six years apart from the rest of us, and my mom talks about feeling the same way you did – getting in the car to go somewhere and she’s sure someone’s missing, but everyone’s there, and that kind of thing.)

  9. Jeff Michelman says:

    I told you to finish your book and quit fooling around with Lee. But nooooooo, you know best and now I need to throw a larger book publishing party. And Robert says no Baja sharks for you.
    But it was meant to be. So enjoy the divinity of motherhood once more and my love and congrats to the first trinity.
    Oh, it’s a girl.

    • Oh c’mon, man! I’m just getting started. I’m like friggin’ Angelina Jolie! I’m gonna rule the world with my wacky brood! :)

      Thanks, friend.

  10. Kelli, I have SOOOOO much to say but you’re already exhausted! ;) Seriously, reading your words felt like a trip back in time. (Ryan 24, Jonathan 22, Michaela 11 and Hannah 8 … who was born 5 days after my 40th birthday!). I get where you are at, my friend and I REJOICE with you as you PONDER all that God is up to. His plans are PERFECT!

  11. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    THIRLLED!!!!

    This? Is a great story–I mean more than just this post!

    xoxoxo

  12. Oh, Kelli. Isn’t God cool?!

    And yes, his orphan care plan for you is not remotely done or even on hiatus. It’s what he’s put in your heart. I love reading your story!

    a

  13. I love this story! As someone who recently laid down a desire to adopt a third time, I find so much hope in the reminder that God’s got a plan. Thanks for sharing your exciting news with us online!

  14. Congrats. I am so happy for you. I wrote my adoption story. I think you would like it. It is called “Not Just Another Love Story” Have a great day!

Trackbacks

  1. [...] I feel like it’s flying by, and on the other I find myself completely over it. Remember, I didn’t really want to do the pregnancy thing again. This wasn’t my plan. Add to that the fact that I feel crummy all. the. ever. lovin’. [...]

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