I read The Help this summer as we made our long and exhausting move from St. Louis to Florida. I was emotionally vulnerable and the book was the perfect escape during that first week we were here. I got lost in the story, the rich development of the characters taking me out of my momentary troubles and giving me someone to root for.
I was most struck by the relationship between Aibileen and Mae Mobly, the little girl she watched and loved. Aibileen took it upon herself to make sure that little girl knew and understood her value and her worth.
“You is good. You is kind. You is important,” Aibileen crooned to Mae Mobley over and over in an attempt to undo the emotional harm and pressure the child received from her young, inexperienced and judgemental mother. This relationship was precious and I bawled, both in the book and in the movie, as Aibileen walked away from Mae Mobly after giving her one last reminder.
“You is good. You is kind. You is important.
I’ve thought about this a lot as I’ve parented my children these last few months – particularly as I have schooled them at home. I will be the first to admit my weaknesses as a mother. While I am constantly challenging my children to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry I myself am not always following that.
I am slow to listen, quick to speak harshly and even quicker to become angry. And in so doing, I tear my children down. I. Hate. That.
Sloan takes the brunt of my quick to become angryness. Mostly because he is equally quick, and perhaps even quicker, to become angry and I react. It’s not that I don’t try to stay calm and patient. I try and I try and I try. And he pushes and he pushes and he pushes.
Round and round we go until one of us snaps. On the precious few days when I manage to not be the one to snap I collapse into bed exhausted and depleted of all sense of myself. Most days, however, I crawl into bed heavy hearted at once again losing control of my own emotions. And I wonder…
Does he know that he is good and kind and important? If I think back on the days events have I given him any reason to believe that I see him as good…and kind…and important?
The thought that perhaps my child is going to sleep unsure of these things can be paralyzing. He knows I love him. He knows this because I tell him all the time. A hundred times a day he hears me say I love him and I sincerely mean it when I say it. I love that child fiercely.
But does he know how good I think he is? Does he know that I think him to be one of the kindest young boys I’ve ever known? Does he know how important he is not only to me, but to so many others? Does he know?
Today found Sloan and me locked in yet another battle of the wills. Each day is new and yet each day is the same. It’s a battle and a war and some days I feel like I am losing. I’m at battle with all three children, of course. You’re at battle with your kids, too, if you think about it. We’re all fighting the war against their sinful natures and desires. We all wake up each morning and walk into the battle zone and it’s a war we must win when they are young and their hearts are pliable and easily molded.
As I felt the frustration bubble up inside of me, I looked into his challenging eyes and saw so much anger. So much confusion. You see, Sloan isn’t the only child needing correction in our home, but he receives it more than the others. This is partly his fault and partly mine. He tries to parent the other two kids and gets in my way and so I have to deal with him before I can deal with them. But many times I deal only with him and forget to correct the other two for pestering and nagging him in the first place. And Sloan feels worn down – I can see it.
So after a particularly grueling hour of back and forth, I stopped and grabbed his hand. I was angry and he could tell, but I was fighting against the anger with every fiber. Looking deep into his baby blues, I spoke softly.
“Do you know that you’re good?” I asked. He blinked, surprised by my reaction.
“Do you know that I think you’re amazing? I think you are kind and gentle and humble. Do you know how good you are?”
Slowly, he nodded his head yes.
“Do you know that I think you’re important? You’re important to me and you’re important to God. Do you know that?”
Again he nodded, his eyes welling up with tears.
“Good,” I said, the anger melting away. “I want you to know that.”
I’d like to say his behavior changed and that he was immediately kinder and gentler with me and his brother and sister. It didn’t exactly work that way, but as the day went on, when he lost control I would look him in the eye and raise my eyebrows and he would stop and nod.
He knows.
He does know. And my prayer tonight is that he would embrace those things and bury them deep. Tomorrow is another day of battle and I feel more prepared now that I’ve added another weapon to my arsenal. We’re going to win this war, he and I. He’s too good and too kind and too important for me to give up on.
Losing is not an option.
I so needed to hear this! I have these same problems with my two boys. Noah is harder on himself than I am, and Grayson has my temper. A good reminder to tell them I think they are important and kind but more importantly that God thinks that are kind and important. Thanks for being so honest with your struggles–you are not alone!
Thank you for that encouragement, Jena!
I, too, read the book over the summer and I am picking up a copy of the movie today at the library. I plan to atch it tonight when my husband takes my girls to Bible study.
That aside, I relate to your post and find comfort in knowing I’m not the only mother on the verge of snapping at any given time.
You’ve given me inspiration to try something new and focus on making sure my girls know that they are all of those things and more. Thank you.
I want to watch the movie again and read the book again. They were both just really, really good.
Thank you for the encouragement.
I deal with this issue with my 13 year old ALL.THE.TIME! I think I will start telling him this and make sure he KNOWS!
And I really have to stop reading your blog at work….you have a way of making me weepy and inevitably someone walks into my office as I’m sniffling and wiping my eyes – they seriously must think I have issues!
Thank you for the reminder that we are all Good and Kind and important!!
No more reading my blog at work.
Okay…no, I don’t mean that. Keep reading. 🙂
Thank you, Jen. Your comment made me feel so encouraged.
Kelli, God used you in my life today. Your words. Your heart. Your honesty. I’m sitting here stunned actually because this is what I needed to be reminded of TODAY.
Michaela and I had a wonderful and terrible morning. She woke up early, hopped in the shower, went downstairs and made her own breakfast. She had her backpack out and did a reading/writing assignment and then started reading to me from a library book of her choice. Life. was. perfect. Time kept ticking away and with about 20 minutes left to comb hair, pull things together, get shoes, snack, etc. she opened her backpack to find a math assignment that was not done. I said “oh … well, get on it baby – you’ve got time”. Perfect. Life. Over.
She started and then I heard “I don’t understand any of this! I need help!” (At this time I am trying to get Hannah ready too, etc.) I said “keep trying. You’ll get it just try” … “I need HELP!”. I said “I am helping Hannah right now. Go brush your hair and finish getting ready and I’ll help you in a minute”. Then came the throwing the pencil, jumping up from the table running upstairs screaming “I HATE homework, I AM NOT going to school! I don’t want to do ANY OF THIS. I AM STAYING HOME!, etc. etc.” I of course was saying all of the ‘opposites’ to these remarks and screamed finally “GET DOWN HERE NOW!” She said “I am running away!” as she reached for the front door handle. I grabbed her and so on and so forth and I’m too ashamed to even write the rest of the next 30 seconds.
She did stay home. We did make up. But I wonder … does she know she is good? Does she know I think the world of her? I’ve asked for forgiveness and she did as well but GEESH – It sucks the life out of me to go thru this even if it’s only once in a lifetime (and no this is not the first although I do pray it is the last). SOOOOO … again, I will say THANK YOU Kelli. God works. God heals. God is a GOD OF HOPE and I needed YOU in my life today, Florida friend. You is good. You is kind. You is important.
Oh Vonita, you just made me all teary eyed. I miss you and your tender heart so much.
Hey girl…call or text me! I can’t find your number and I’d love to try to get some homeschool mama’s together tomorrow night for some coffee.
Yeah for coffee! 🙂
I love, love, love that book as well as the movie. That quote from Aibileen is just fabulous. I’ve thought a lot about the relationship between Mae Mobley & A too. I’d love to write a paper on it from the perspective of a child development specialist. And I’d like to smack that Elizabeth upside the head.
My favorite quotes from the book were:
“I tell myself that’s what you get when you put thirty-one toilets on the most popular girl’s front yard. People tend to treat you a little differently than before.”
“She’s wearing a tight red sweater and a red skirt and enough makeup to scare a hooker.”
“Ever morning, until you dead in the ground, you gone have to make this decision. You gone have to ask yourself, “Am I gone believe what them fools say about me today?”
And then from the movie- the scene that cracked me up was:
Mrs. Walters: “I may have trouble rememberin’ my own name, or what country I live in. But there’s two things I can’t seem to forget. That my own daughter threw me into a nursin’ home and that she ate Minny’s s#%&. Good night.”
Great quotes! 🙂
I really enjoyed this post. Well said. In my case…it’s “does SHE know”? But the message really resonated. As a mom, I needed a little motivation for some behavior modification – this was it. Thanks!
You’re welcome. Thank you!
I don’t normally have the attention span for movies, but I watched The Help last night and loved it.
You did exactly what God does with us. Bravo, Kelli. Chalk one up for the mom!