You know when you want to write something really deep and poignant and you feel like it’s all just right beneath the surface, but for some reason you can’t dig it out of your brain because you’re bone tired and you can’t seem to string a coherent thought together other than, “Geez I’m glad Facebook wasn’t around when I was in high school“?
Yeah…that’s super fun.
You know when you decide to scratch the idea of being super deep and poignant and you decide to write something that’s wickedly funny, that’s sure to make people laugh until they cry and share until it goes viral, but you realize that you can’t dig any humor out because you’re bone tired and all you can think about is how much you would have embarrassed yourself if Facebook had been around in high school?
Then remember that time when you used the word “swell” while writing a hypothetical post and you began to wonder whether or not you could incorporated the words “rad,” “groovy,” and “righteous” into the same sentence without being too obvious that you were just trying to complete an exercise in writing through writer’s block?
Remember that time when you realized the movie Reality Bites is coming up on its 18th anniversary and you remember watching it when it first came out on VHS?
Um…that kinda bites.
You know how sometimes it’s best to say nothing at all, but you feel compelled to say something because if you say nothing people might think you have nothing to say, when really you have tons to say but you’re just tired so you just start typing nonsense thinking that something really deep or really funny, (or maybe something deeply funny?) will spill forth from your fingertips but then you realize that you’re pumping a dry well and the best thing to do is shut up and go to sleep?
That’s good advice. Shut up. We don’t say that word in our house. Unless you mean it and it’s necessary.
As far as you know, anyway.
Remember that time you scoured the internet looking for some bit of current news you could use as a launch pad for a post, but instead of reading up on the important matters of the world, you got sucked into celebrity gossip and before you knew it you were yelling at the computer, infuriated by yet another celebrity couple telling the world, “we just grew apart” and you wanted to hulk smash something because you’re tired of marriage being so quickly cast aside?
And then you stumbled over this video that caused you to forget all about the selfish celebrities of the world and instead crumble into a puddle of tears and long to adopt a baby or four from every single country in the world?
This then leads you down memory lane to the day you called your husband sobbing after watching Oprah one afternoon and her coverage of the underground slave trade of young girls in Romania. “We need to go to Romania today and bring home three or four little girls,” you cried. Then your husband asked you not to watch Oprah anymore.
Remember that? That was super.
This is all hypothetical, of course. Merely conjecture. I clearly need to go to bed. Or drink a glass of wine. Or both.
Of course, if any of this were true and did happen to actually spin through my mind, I would tell you that I came up with more than one Status Update circa 1996. And I may have developed a few from 1995, 1994 and 1993, too. I said MAY.
STATUS UPDATE: Last night’s episode of ER was the bomb. Dr. Ross is sooooo hot. (Maybe I would have spelled it hott?)
STATUS UPDATE: Today was, like, so lame. Someone played “I Like It, I Love It” on the cafeteria juke box like 52 times. Ick. Hate that song.
STATUS UPDATE: I hit a parked car at the Homecoming football game tonight. OMG. I’m gonna die of embarrassment. #imadope
STATUS UPDATE: Tonight at the dance the DJ played “Shake Your Rump!” and “Ice, Ice Baby.” #bestsongsever
STATUS UPDATE: OMG! Like, I totally made Hockey Cheerleading today. #wickedawesome
STATUS UPDATE: Wait…why do hockey players need cheerleaders? Can they even hear us behind that glass? #confused
STATUS UPDATE: Reality totally bites. And Winona Ryder is, like, the coolest girl ever.
So tell me, my friends, what would your high school self’s Facebook Status say? We’d all love to know.