Love and Respect

Okay, I’m coming out with it.  I watch Jon and Kate + 8.  I always feel like I need to apologize for myself when I admit to getting sucked into the mindless world of reality TV.  And while I’m confessing I might as well let you know that the other reality show I watch (not regularly because Lee won’t let me ) is America’s Next Top Model.  There – now you know.  My dirty little secrets…

Anywhoo, moving on (blush)  Considering that nearly 10 million people tuned into Jon and Kate last week, I figure I’m not alone in my obsession with the show.  I’ve watched them for a couple of years now and have really enjoyed the show…until the last two weeks.

Now I’m just sad.  It makes me sad to watch them.  I’ve always been slightly uncomfortable with the way that they speak with one another on the show, but before last season it seemed kind of cute and real – it was more banter.  But beginning last season, the banter became excessive and I became uncomfortable.

Here are a few thoughts I have regarding marriage that Jon and Kate have solidified for me:

Two years ago, Lee and I went through a study with our small group called Love and Respect.  If you’ve never heard of this study or the couple who wrote it, I highly recommend you check it out. 

The whole premise behind their concept is that in order for a marriage to be healthy and stable, two things need to happen: A woman needs to respect her husband and a man needs to love his wife.  It seems simple doesn’t it? 

Then why is it so hard?

This has always, in my opinion, been what’s wrong with Jon and Kate’s marriage.  Kate shows little to no respect for her husband.  She orders him around and he, like a well trained puppy, complies with eyes rolled and shoulders slouched.  I almost cried in one episode a couple of years ago when Kate told one of her sons not to listen to daddy because “he’s mean.”

I’m a firm believer in women esteeming her husband in front of others, especially her children.  Kate does not do this, and it is a problem.  A big one.

Now Jon, on the other hand, has rarely shown Kate love, at least not while the cameras were rolling.  This can be a tricky thing, because everyone needs love communicated to them differently.  But, if you’ve watched the show for any amount of time, it’s pretty clear to see that Kate’s love language is acts of service.  If Jon were to get up and do anything without being asked first – and done to the caliber that his wife desires (which I agree may be unattainable in some cases), he would communicate love to her in volumes.  The rare times when he seemed to please her were when he did just this.  Oh, and Jon?  The attitude with which you volunteer your service makes a big difference.  Just sayin’….

Without respect from his wife, a man won’t love her well and without love from her husband, a woman won’t respect him well, and thus goes the vicious cycle.

Now, whether or not a man has been well respected does not at all give him grounds to cheat on his wife.  I do think Kate is getting slammed by the media a bit unfairly.  And I’m not saying that I believe Jon had an affair – at least not physically.  But c’mon – getting caught alone in the middle of the night with a 23 year old?  Doesn’t look good, dude. 

But it all started with this lack of love and respect.  And I find that so sad.  It’s sad for their kids, it’s sad for Jon and Kate, and it’s sad for the institution of marriage.

Jon and Kate need to reprioritize.  They need to grow up, get it together and repair their family.  And I’m with 90% of America in thinking that the best way to do that would be to turn the cameras off.  I was struck by how often they both said that everything they do is “for the kids.”  Um, that’s another topic for another day, but clearly the kid’s-focused life they’re trying to build is not working out for them.  There’s no stability as a couple when everything you do revolves around the children.  None. 

Also, they’ve both said there’s nothing more important in life than family.  Well, Jon, your wife is your family – and Kate, your husband is your family.  You were each other’s family long before the kids came around.  How did that get lost? 

Anyway, those were some thoughts I’ve had.  It’s nothing new – nothing that no one else has said, but it felt important to document.  Jon and Kate claim to be Christians, and I don’t doubt the sincerity of that claim, but if it’s true, then they need to seek godly counsel to help remind them that first and foremost needs to be their relationships with God; second are their relationships with one another; and finally, their kids.  That is a healthy marriage.  It’s not easy – especially with eight kids and a camera crew.  But it is attainable.

If you are struggling in your marriage or are just looking for something to help strengthen your relationship, I highly recommend Love and Respect.  They hold conferences nationwide, they have a DVD series that’s excellent, plus numerous books and resources that you can find on their website.  Check it out and join me in praying for this reality family that is facing a very harsh reality.