The Master Cleanse – A Reflection

Last week, Lee and I got the bright idea that we were going to start the Master Cleanse diet. C’mon, I know you’ve all seen the commercials. You’ve heard them say that we all have pounds of waste clinging to our colon walls like spackle or paste. Well, Lee and I wanted to detoxify. And, let’s be honest, I wanted to lose the weight. Who cares about my colon? Mama’s going to Florida in a month – it’s time to get serious.

Have any of you ever tried the Master Cleanse diet? It’s crap! And yes, that pun was intended. Let me give you a little glimpse into the world of the colon cleanse.

It all started on Sunday, when we both ate very light, you know, to prep our stomachs for the days to come. That afternoon, I headed over to Wholefoods, the Mecca of all things healthy and good. I had my list of ingredients and I slowly made my way through the aisles picking up lemons, purified, but not flouridated, water, non-iodized salt, Grade B Organic Maple Syrup and pure Cayenne Pepper. Yeah, I know.

I should inform you that neither of us actually read any literature about this diet because we’re too cheap to buy a book. We simply consulted Dr. Google for the list of ingredients and some testimonials from those who have successfully completed this 10-day completely liquid diet.

“It’s amazing!” they all proclaimed. “I have more energy than ever before; I lost 20 pounds; my skin is glowing and looks fresh and young; I feel rejuvinated.”

My personal favorite was the man who was on day 17 of this diet and was planning on going another 3-5 days because he just. felt. so. great. Freak.

All of Google’s input said that the first 3 days were the hardest. After that, you hardly notice the hunger – “you will be energized as you release the toxins from your body.” Uh-huh.

(The drink that you consume during the 10 day diet provides you with roughly 1200 calories/day, so this is not a starvation diet, though it may sound like one…)

So I came home with two bags filled to the brim with all the things that were going to make Lee and I glow with the radiance of youth and health. At this point, neither of us had eaten much all day, and we intended to start night one with the salt water flush. It sounded easy enough. 35 ounces of water mixed with one teaspoon of salt. The idea is to drink the entire liquid, then sit back and wait for nature to take it’s course, thereby beginning the process of cleansing the colon.

The next time you’re at the beach, fill a cup with 35 ounces of ocean water and drink it. If you are able to do that, I will personally send you telepathic high fives and feelings of all over awesomeness. I, personally, couldn’t get past two swallows without gagging and nearly vomiting. (There’s one way to lose the weight.) And I tried. I tried to drink it warm, I tried it cold; I tried to pound it back quickly (that was not a good idea), and I tried a small sip. And Lee watched me the whole time. I finally made him try it and after one swallow, he headed back to the computer to consult Dr. Google on what to do if the salt water flush is too unbearable. “You are pansies,” came the reply. At least that’s how it felt. Are all those people online lying, or do they really think it’s “not that bad?” Geesh. Then, we saw it – Hark! There is a tea you can drink called Senna. Glory! Lee headed back to Wholefoods while I perused the recipe for the lemonade.

You mix water, lemons, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. I didn’t understand the cayenne pepper, but my trusty internet assured me it was a necessary ingredient and was not to be skipped. And so I intended to follow the directions. You know, because thus far that was really working out for us. So Lee returned, we drank our tea and we went to bed.

The next morning, I awoke to a rumbling tummy. It was a mixture of hunger and Senna. At this point I was beginning to doubt my willpower to withstand this diet. I made Lee and I a batch of lemonade and poured each of us a glass. The blasted cayenne kept drifting to the top so we had to continually stir the drink. It reminded me of Chandler and Ross on Friends, drink and stir, drink and stir. Five points to anyone who remembers that episode.

I think I know now why the cayenne is important. Apparently it burns off the lining of your throat making the consumption of food nearly impossible. At this point I was sincerely cursing my internet friends who had assured me that the lemonade was quite good and the cayenne gives it a “little kick.” Liars from the pits of hell!

Oh, and while I was fighting back my urge to begin breathing fire, I got my first “prompting” from the Senna tea. My first of many, I might add. Miserable, miserable tea.

So, wrapping up. The lemonade was so nasty that after drinking my half-day ration, I was gagging violently every time I took a drink. My house was completely destroyed because every time I ran to the bathroom, the children exploited my weakness and tore about like wild apes. My stomach was growling fiercely and I was growing irritable. I texted Lee and told him I didn’t have the balls to follow through with the intensity of this diet. He replied that he was glad because neither did he. And we quit. Right then and there. After only 24 hours, we quit.

All that to say, I don’t recommend the Master Cleanse diet.