A Lapse in Judgment

When daddy is out of town, I try to do things that are a little different – partly to take the kids’ minds off the fact that he is gone and mostly to keep myself from going completely wacky. Tonight, since it is the only real down night that we have, I decided to do something to get us out of the house.

First was a semi-needed trip to Target. Really, I just needed a little “fix.” I needed the glare of the bright lights off the pristene white tiles and the smell of good deals mingled with awesomeness to surround me. It didn’t take long. I was flying high almost as soon as I walked into the door. The fact that Tia had to go to the bathroom before we even made it past the threshhold didn’t even damper my spirits (usually she waits until we’re all the way in the back of the store with a cart full of goodies before declaring that she has to go potty).

I was feeling so elated by the time we left, with two new pairs of shoes for Landon and a folder for Tia, that I told the kids we would be going out to dinner. Because I am trying to be more health conscious, I opted out of the ease that is McDonald’s and decided, instead, to head to Bread Co.

Yes. My Target high led me to completely overestimate my mommy superpowers.

Luck was on my side in the fact that Bread Co. was relatively uninhabited. I bribed the kids with the promise of a muffie if they obeyed and did not completely humiliate me, then ordered our food and settled us down at a table as far away from the other patrons as possible. This is where things got a little hairy. It wasn’t totally the kids. They actually did quite well, all things considered, but, well there are three of them and only one of me. That’s just not fair…

When they called my name, I raced to the counter as fast as I could to pick up our food before Sloan and Tia got got their own high off of a lack of supervision. When I returned, both of them had their shoes off and Sloan was trying to remove his shirt. I wasn’t gone that long.

Then there was the issue of getting everyone situated with his and her specific meal. Landon was approaching meltdown from extreme hunger so he needed immediate attention. I needed water because I unwisely ordered a soup that has a bit of a kick to it. The water was on the other side of the restaurant. I took a deep breath, reminded them of the muffie that awaited them later and scurried over to get water. As I’m over there, I hear a wail emanating from my very own 5-year-old’s mouth. Apparently Landon snatched the bread off his sandwich when he wasn’t looking. This was a tragedy.

When we were half-way through dinner, I broke open the last packet of yogurt I had and began squeezing it into Landon’s mouth. It was at precisely this moment that Tia declared she had to go poo-poo. The child has amazing timing. Landon began crying and reaching for the yogurt, which he was enjoying imensely and I had a moment of panic. What the heck do I do now? I made a split second decision, which I almost immediately regretted. I agreed to let Sloan take her to the bathroom…which was also across the restaurant. I issued a threat on their lives if I heard any screaming or playing around and told them that they absolutely better be back quickly if they wanted their muffie. I watched them walk all the way to the bathroom door, then sat down and wondered what on earth possessed me to think this was a good solution. What if someone called Child Protective Services on me for neglect or just plaing dopiness? It was also at that moment that I remembered that neither one of them were wearing shoes. Yes, I became that mom and I think that I have hereby lost all my mommy superpowers for the time being.

They did very well, though, and were back within minutes, assuring me that they did not crawl on the floors or lick any toilets or anything like that. Finally we were able to wrap up dinner and I got in line to buy the much deserved muffie. As we were waiting, a policeman walked in. Sloan walked up to him and introduced himself and shook the man’s hand then proceeded to pepper him with 20 questions about what it’s like to be a policeman, even asking the poor guy if he could hold his gun! The officer did take out his handcuffs and let the kids touch them before I quickly ushered them back to the table and begged them to eat as quickly as possible. We left shortly after, at the same time the officer left. As he got into his car, Sloan called after him – “Hey, go chase the bad guys and put them in jail so they don’t kill us.”

My face generated enough heat in that moment to melt the remaining ice on the sidewalk and off we slinked to our car. T-Minus 3 days till daddy returns.